Trying

This is my way of trying to be healthy while waiting for my flight

Waiting at Dallas, TX dfw

Waiting for my flight to Atlanta Georgia So excited to be this close to J

1 day left

I leave for Dallas in the morning  at 10 am and catch my plane at 7:45. Going to miss my family but glad I'm going to be with J for new years eve. who knows it might work out and in 6 months time I'll be living in Dallas with him.

4 more days

Time to get my clothes washed and ready to go to Georgia, also have to make my reservation to get to Dallas and a return reservation from Dallas. That's if I come back ha ha ha.

Merry xmas

Hope you all have a safe xmas... I had fun with my family. Built a giant snowman but the neighbors knocked it down assholes, but one of them was a super hottie. I love you all, enjoy the holidays.... Oh and I'm so excited to be spending new years with J in Georgia. I love D but not going to stay single forever.

It's booked

Got my flight booked to Atlanta Georgia on the 30th till the 4th, I'm so excited. We video chat all the time instead of txting or calling as much via my bad ass phone. I love that I can talk to him while looking at him, makes it more intimate. Here is his pic, he's so handsome.

Talked to him

so I talk to d then we had a few conversations and I asked him if he love me. he said he does still say it's too soon for him to try getting back into things with me. part of me hopes it soon and part of me realizes that it might not be the best for us. I miss him greatly especially around the holidays like this its been 5 years in 5 christmases. but I can't wait forever I can't stay single forever just for him he has a man I'm tryna move on to, I met a guy and we hit it off pretty good and he offered to fly me out to georgia to go see him for a bit so that song gonna try to do on the 30th

My hot boss

One of my bosses is one of those cocky loud fun guys that makes a party wherever he goes. He's a great friendly guy and smart too, now add in that he's a total Jock and has amazing blue eyes. That's a deadly combination. I was talking to him today before clicking out to go home and he was sitting in his chair and I couldn't help but notice that he has a huge package. I could literally see the outline of his cock head and his ball are big. Idk if he noticed me looking down at his crotch a few times while we were talking but I'm not complaining bc it was a beautiful sight. I love working with him bc he makes it fun. hope I get to see more of that perfect package next time.

Finished my teddy bear

Finally colored him in.

To damn crowded

I need to move out of my parents house soon, there are way to many ppl living here. I have zero privacy for anything. Everytime i take a shower it never fails that someone turns on the sink and I get a blast of ice cold water or I have to wake up super early just to take a shower so I can be ready for work. When I talk on the phone I literally have to go outside bc everyone is to loud. I love my family but I'm embarrassed to bring anyone I meet around them. I always tell the guy it's bc I have to make sure he's worthy of meeting them when it's really my family who isn't worthy. I don't like feeling this way about them but I can't help it, the sooner I move out the better.

Most recent news

Xmas just isn't the same without D by my side :( I'm not giving up on us but that doesn't mean I'm going to put my life on hold while he's with mr. wrong. When he does decide it's time for us to get back together I'm his no matter who I'm with. I love him not these other guys. Oh and I did a 5 hour tat on wed, I was tired as fuck after.

So yet another guy is a bust

Fml right lol, well I should  have guessed it wasn't going to work out bc he was on his phone most of the date. Obviously don't have time for someone who can't put their phone away for a first date. I want a good guy but they are either horn dogs looking for a fuck or douche bags.

Making money

Did some tats last night, I like how they came out and made some much needed cash. Going to hope for more business bc these guys know other guys with money lol

Got a date

Got a date with a new guy, not going to jump the gun like I did with n ha ha but I'm going to try and have a good time. He seems like a really good guy but that's what I said about the last one lol. I'll keep you guys posted when I do go on the date on Friday. Oh and he likes my beard how I dyed it red.what do you guys think?

Fml

Just heard the song what do you want from me, made me think of d. He wanted me to listen to that a while back, breaks my heart all over again just hearing it.

Tattoo

It felt so good to tattoo my brother today, its been a while. I posted the pics of it, tell what you think guys.

So many hot bears at work

Yeah I just found a new appreciation for my job, there are so many hot bears to eye fuck lmao

Wow

That's awkward I just ran into my ex d sister at the mall and acted a though I was perfectly happy in my life. Fuck I miss him

Just got off work

Work had been great, even though it ended with n and d doesn't want me I'm not giving up on finding a guy for me that fits my life. Headed to east with my family for my moms bday party. I'm happy she's still with us.

Working

Wow the wind today is horrible, and I have to work in it.

Didn't last long now did it

I left N, well his words " I don't have time for any relationship" let me know its time to say goodbye. Then he says " I truly cared about you", yeah if he truly cared about me he wouldn't have started a relationship with me if he couldn't handle being in one. Thanksgiving blows this year ugh FML, Xmas is going to suck even more beause the past 5 xmas' I've been by D's side. I don't want to be without him anymore but that's not my choice to make is it? I love him with all my heart but he doesn't love me, I'd like to know how he stopped loving me and what I did that was so bad for him to move on. I guess I'll never know, I think I'm destined to live with a missing piece in my heart where D's love is suppose to go. If your reading this D just know that I love you forever and always. I'm not to proud to say that I want to be back by your side.

it took this long huh?

I can't get over how much I miss D, I feel like crying on someone's shoulder but I can't because I have nobody. I don't have any friends to turn to because I don't have any that are close to me like that. I'm alone in life right now, I'm tired of this feeling. I remember how I would cry on D's shoulder or in his arms when I first heard that my mom's cancer was back. It didn't matter what time it was, he would hold me and not let go till I was done. I felt safe with him, I just want that feeling back. I could tell him anything, fuck I miss him.

no phone till payday

So I may have given my phone a love tap that was to hard and cracked the screen, now I have to wait till I get paid on Friday to get a new one FML right lol. I told N and well he kinda freaked out on me, basically made it seem like I'm some violent monster who beats people. I'm not perfect nor have I ever claimed to be perfect, I made a mistake and I'm the one who has to pay for it not him or anyone else so why does he have to insist that I'm one step away from doing a killing spree. He keeps saying that he sees a lot of red flags already, well I see a lot more. He has no time for me because of his busy life, he might move away when he lands a job out of city or state, feels like everytime we are able to be together its just a sexual attraction. He says that he can't give me 100% of himself because he might move away and his busy life, so now I find myself asking myself if I want to wait to be dumped. I thought I finally found a great guy but like always its to good to be true. I have already told myself that it might work out in time, so that's what I'm giving it. If something else arises I'm just going to end it, I don't want to be in a relationship that's full of problems. I also remembered that it was D's bday a few days ago, having problems with N and D's birthday has gotten me into a sad mood. I still miss him, it doesn't help that everytime a relationship doesn't work out I think about him more and more. I can't replace him with anyone else, but he doesn't want me so what am I to do? It also sucks because we've spent xmas together for the past 5 years, I hate to decorate but I miss watching him decorate and force me to help him. I don't know if he reads my blog anymore.

Another one....FML

So its starting to look like things are to good to be true with N. We never spend time together or text anymore. We were suppose to spend some time together this past weekend but his family came to see him so we didn't, I was really bummed that I didn't see him. I later told him how I felt but didn't want him to think I want him to ever choose me over his family. Things have kinda gone down hill since then, we don't talk as much anymore. I'd hate to say that its a failed attempt at a relationship but its looking like it. I'm going to hold on a bit longer to see if this just a tiny bump in the road. I know it would be a lot easier if I had betty working, but if this falls through then I'll move on like always.

First day at work

So my first day at work was tuesday but I forgot to post lol, it wasn't very busy and I enjoyed it. I was at the wash bay cleaning the cars and found that I got into the groove of things very fast and started knocking them out like nothing. I was suppose to be off Wed and Thurs but my handsome boss asked me if I could come in on either of those days so I told him I'd be in on Thurs at 7am. Little did I know that it's going to be fucking 30 degrees in the morning and by the time I leave work it'll only be 60 degrees. FML right ha ha!!! Its ok though as long as I stay busy I don't think I'll be that cold. My brother is trying to help me get a different job where I will be making more money so I'll see how that goes. More money means I'll get to fix Betty faster and get a better phone because the one I have now is crapping out on me not to mention that I'll be able to finally pay my phone. I don't have the money to pay it so its going to be cut off tomorrow and I won't be able to talk to N unless I'm at home via FB since he lives in Odessa and I live in Midland. He's super busy and we barely get to see each other in person so me having my phone cut off is a major bump in the road. I'll get to see him this weekend hopefully, I sure do miss being in his arms. One thing that made my day was that my sis told me that D's new man is ugly and that my man is a huge upgrade from D. I just smiled so big because D chose 20% over 80% and now he's stuck with an ugly guy who probably doesn't do what I did for him. N is the lucky one now as am I for being able to be with N, he makes me happy and is very supportive. I can tell that he truly cares about me like I care about him. As of now I know that I would not take D back if he came around, to many lies between me and him to be happy on any level.

Finally

I got a call from Enterprise and its the call I've been needing. I got the jod and I start tomorrow, from what I gather its a set schedule Fri-Tues with Wed and Thurs off. Its only $8 and hour but hey that's better than making $0 a day. First things first get my phone and bronco paid for, then start investing in fixing my black betty. Oh that's what I've decided on calling my bronco I'm going to paint it black and call her Black Betty :) I'll let you guys know how the job goes tomorrow.

Damn time change

I almost forgot that the time changed, I feel so off today. First of all I've never been a huge fan of colder weather and now it gets dark faster. I got turned down from one job because of my backround, it was a real bummer and blow to my job hunt. Thankfully I have N to pick me back up and keep a smile on my face. I love that he supports me in whatever it is I do, he doesn't judge me for the situation I'm in. I'm not feeling very happy about Enterprise, guess you can say I'm just waiting for the rejection letter or phone call. I need to find something so I can stop being so damn broke. I wish I could be so lucky to have the skills my friend F has and passed my tattoo test in 2 months then I would be able to work at any tattoo shop. I just have to keep trying my hardest and keep believing that my dream will come true someday soon. Until then I'm going to try and make money by any means other than selling drugs or my ass lol, my bro said he'll help me get some tattoo supplies so I can tattoo out of the house. Its a great chance to make some money that I really need. I'm thinking about it more and more everyday. I'll keep you guys posted on what happens.

Had one of the best nights I've had in a while

Its quietly official lol, N is my new man and I couldn't be happier. We spent a great night together at his house. I feel so comfortable with him and get this "100% honesty" feeling from him. We kissed, cuddled, and well you know what else lol Twice!!!!!!!! He's amazing at what he does and he takes charge in the right moments. I like hearing him speak about his day and his life. I can honestly say that I see myself with him. He's that special to have broken me out of my slump and saving me. I owe him a lot.

Its not official yet but.....

So I let N know how I feel about him and what we could have together and he feels the same way. He's taking me to the movies tonight and we're going to talk about the potential relationship. He's been hurt like I have its just that mine is more recent but that still doesn't mean he isn't just as hurt as I am. I know what its like to be lied to and so does he, I know that I will always be honest and faithful. I'm taking a risk that he will be to. I like him so much so that I'm willing to put myself out there and be vulnerable. More to come hopefully great news to share with you guys.

Am I ready to take the plunge again????

So things with N are going great and well today he asked me what I think about us potentially being a couple. I thought about it and I couldn't find anything negative to point out. He's been 100% honest with me from the start and usually I find something about the guys I date to be wrong but with him I can't. I don't find myself thinking about D anymore I just think about N. I smile everytime I see him or think about him, he makes me feel so damn comfortable. I think I'm ready to put myself out there again, its been one hell of a journey to get to where I am now. Things are slowly starting to get better and I have N to thank because when I was sad and ready to just throw in the towel he didn't let me stay down he made me smile and see that things always get better. If things take a more serious turn I'm not going to turn and run the other way, I'm going to allow myself to be vulnerable with him and let him know that I am ready to be with him. I just hope he feels the same way. I'm not saying we're going to get the wedding bells ready more like being exclusive instead of just dating. I'd proudly call him mine if he calls me his :)

A bit worried

So I had a job interview today and it went great, I didn't expect to find out that the manager was a fellow tattoo artist. She was so happy to find another person who knew about tattoos other than "oh they look cool" lol, we talked for about 30 mins. talking about tattooing and completely forgot the interview. She then realized that I was suppose to get an interview and just decided to pass me and send my backround check off. They only thing that worries me is that my backround isn't the best in the world, I just hope it goes through because I really need this job for the money. She told me its strictly seasonal and I told her that I wasn't trying to be rude but that's all I really wanted and to not have a career out of her job lol. She knew I want to be a tattoo artist so she didn't mind. Its $9.50 and hour overnights, I need this. Wish me luck guys :)

Happy Halloween

Best Halloween so far, I went on a mini date with N and had an amazing time. I like spending time with him and holding his hand when we're driving. I'm super comfortable with him. He took me for ice cream and we sat outside on a bench close and just talked. I love the fact that he's ok with showing that he's gay in public, its not like we were kissing  just sitting close and not caring what the small minded ppl of West Texas thought. This little girl came up to us and asked if she could take our picture because we reminded her of her uncles, I'm pretty sure that wasn't the case but we let her anyways. We've already scheduled another date for Friday to go see the new Harold and Kumar movie, oh yeah I almost forgot that I have a job interview at Toys R Us as an overnight stocker. I really hope I get the position because I need the money BAD. I hope it doesn't interfeer with my date on Friday. I hope eveyone had a great Halloween this year, be safe and have fun. Keep yall posted on how things are going with N :)

Halloween alone

I got invited to go celebrate Halloween with N but I'm not feeling up to it. I'm just not feeling like I'm very worthy yet because well I don't have a job, a vehicle, money. I leterally feel like one of those dead beat boyfriends only without the title boyfriend. N doesn't bring up the fact that I don't have a job or car or money so I don't know if it bothers him, I just don't want to be an embarrasement. I've started putting in some applications for some jobs to help me pay bills but I haven't heard back from any of them yet, but on a nother note I am going to tattoo my friend J and he's going to pay me. I am so fucking happy. Ok I side tracked a bit lol, back to N. Everyday he makes me feel more and more special and opens up in new ways too, I like how he told me that  he hates it that I'm sad and if I can think of any way for him to help to not hesitate to tell him and he'll do it. Its very comforting to know how much he cares already. I miss being close to him and hearing him talk about his day and well kissing him. He's a phenominal kisser!!! We haven't had sex though so I don't have anything to report on that ha ha, but I will when it finally happens. I was suppose to go to a Halloween party with him and stay the night with him but wasn't feeling to cheerful. I really wanted to stay with him but not in this mood that I'm in. I want our time together to be a happy one, one without the stress of having to find a job or being broke.

No job = FML

I am having a hard time dealing with life while I'm broke. I have so many things that I need to pay and being broke isn't really an option but its what I've been dealt. I literally dread getting a regular day job but what else am I suppose to do. I also haven't heard from  F or G since we left the dying shop. I've been really depressed because they got to move on to a job where they are making money and I'm SOL. I just want to fucking learn to tattoo and tattoo for the rest of my life. I got the numbers for my friends tattoo shop ready for him but that still doesn't do me any good because the shop won't be open for another few months due to having to renovate it a building to suit the standards of the Texas Health Dept. and get the tattoo and piercing license. I've been talking to a great guy but lately I've been stressed with not having any money that its affecting what we've got. I will admit that I'm ashamed that I've got no money and think to myself that he's not going to want to date someone who is broke like me. It has really been bothering me. My self confidence has really taken a blow these last few days since I left the shop. N has really been making me happy and I love spending time with him. If only I could make the money I need I could have it all: a job, a car, my career, a man. The last one isn't necessary but he makes me happy and I want to feel like I'm not some dead beat loser if we get more serious. In fact I don't want to get more serious with him until I get a job. I'm going to have to suck up my pride and go find a regular job till the shop is open in a few months. FML

Proud but sad

So ever since I quit the shop because the owner decided to sell it while we knew nothing about it, F and G got a job at another more local tattoo shop. Unfortunately I don't have anything to fall back on, I was just an apprentice so I can't just walk into a shop and be an artist like the guys. I've given up so much time and effort to have it all come crashing down on me, I've been strong since leaving D but every week its something new that strikes a blow to my brick walls. I really feel down and sad that I'm back to square one but more broke than before. I seriously just want to cry and retract from life. It would be easier for me to just give up and throw in the towel but I'm a stubborn fool so I'm just going to have to find another way to make it happen. I literally only have $14 to my name and I've got so many things I need to pay, I'm trying but its not good enough right now. I have to keep the thought that one day soon I will have all I want and need in life because I never gave up. All I can do it work on my skills and just apply at different shops for apprenticeships. The look starts tomorrow, I know I'll get denied a few times but I can't give up. I've got someone who inspires me, I don't know if he'll stay in my life for a little bit or for a good while or for the rest of my life but while he's here I'm going to take the inspiration he gives me and use it.

Work out

So I've decided to start working out again. I loved it when I was in perfect shape and the attn I got from it was awesome too! Plus an added bonus is that if I ever run into my ex while I'm in shape he'll see what he's missing. I can do this.

Time for more rambling from my heart

So I finally got the bronco home and gutted the entire inside out and bug bombed the shit out of it. My brothers and family friend are willing to help me fix him up as long as I pay for the parts. Thing is that I don't have any real money coming in at the moment, I survive off tips from the tattoo shop. I also learned that the shop is up for sale from the boss, and the fucked up part is that I had to learn via Craigslist. I can't believe I'm going to loose what I worked so hard to gain. I know F and G will be able to get a job tattooing somewhere else but not me, I'm only an apprentice and have only my basics down. If I have to tattoo out of the house again I will but don't think I will be able to learn like I can at a shop. I don't know what I'm going to do but I'll figure something out. I still need to pay my friend for the bronco but she's not in any hurry for the money. I also need to come up with another $400 to fix the bronco to how I need it. In times like these I get sad because I don't have anyone I can lean on and turn to for comfort. I have this blog that's all, I miss D a lot when I'm sad. I know he doesn't want me anymore and that he has already moved on but I still love him. I think about how I devoted myself to him and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him only to have it all ripped out of my heart. I somehow pride myself on not shedding a tear for him, but maybe that's what I need? I'm sad and have all this anger and loss of love inside of me trapped. Sometimes I just wish I could drive and drive till I end up in another town and start a new life. I don't want to be sad anymore or miss him anymore but I can't help it. I listen to one song by The Script called Nothing a lot, one part says that if she just saw how sad he was she would change her mind. I sometimes think like that and want to just end up on his doorstep asking if he'll take me back into his life.Then again I don't want to be seen as begging for his love, I want him to love me because he wants to. There are so many things that I see that would make my life so much easier but I can't reach any of them from where I'm standing. Its going to be up to me to take a step and figure something out to get what I want, I don't know if D will want to come back into my life or not but even if I'm sad I can't sit still and wait forever. I don't know what's going to happen at the shop but I'm not going to give up my tattooing passion. I am alone with no love but that doesn't mean I'm always going to be alone, one day I'll have a husband and I'll be a tattoo artist and living the life I see for myself. Its not going to come in one day but I'll have it one day.

WTF

So I saw my first bf's profile pop up on my FB and sent him a message to see how he has been, I didn't mean anything about it just to say hi. He messaged back and we txt each other all day. It was nice to catch up, i'm not looking for something romantic with him bc he has a man. I don't know if I'm going to talk to one guy bc well he stood me up and didn't call me for days then calls me out of the blue at 9 am. WTF right? Not going to play games with some guy. Oh and well it looks like my apprenticeship is about to come crashing down because the shop isn't making the money it needs and they haven't been paying the bills. I'm already ordering some supplies to start tattooing from home. Not cool.

Promises or bigger and better....still waiting for that lol

So my boss has been telling me that I'm going to be getting more machine time when the new shipment of supples comes in. Well I have my doubts about that concidering that I have to pay $20 everytime I want to tattoo on someone when we give out free tattoos everyday. I don't see why I have to pay when I'm trying to be an artist to bring money into his shop and ppl he doesn't even know get free tattoos. I don't get it but oh well right. I just want to tattoo and live my life, don't know if I'm going to stay with the shop after I'm given the ok that I passed my tattooing test. I want to try and live my life around to world tattooing and learning about the worlds tattoos. Looking at that lifestyle I don't see much time for a loved one, its a sacrifice I'm willing to make. I have been wanting to get in contact with my ex since I got back into town from my trip to Brownsville but I haven't, he's got a man and clearly is over the whole idea of being with me so I must truck on right? Talking to someone but its nothing serious, don't know if I really want it to be because of where I see my life going. Time will tell right? I have been asking myself if D ever wanted to get back together with me would I go for it? Sometimes the answer is Yes and sometimes its No, I love him and when we split I wasn't the one who wanted to be apart. I may have ended it because he fucked up but not because I didn't want to be with him anymore. I'll just continue to live my life and just focus mainly on my tattooing passion.

Why is it that everytime i see a red ford i hope and pray its D? Still miss him a lot

Been a while since I have posted

Work is going great, so happy that I'm getting a vehicle. Its a red '82 Bronco 2. It needs some work but I'm willing to put in the time and money if it means I will have my own ride. Things in my personal life are ok, I'm no longer talking to J. I have been talking to someone else but don't think its going to go very far. I would like to have something but I look at my life and see that if I do get someone then I'd have to break their heart when I move away to tattoo in another town. I can't let anyone or anything get in the way of my tattooing. The old me would have just settled and gotten a shit job and been with whoever, not anymore. I love tattooing way to much to stop now. I'm hoping to get more machine time within the next few weeks.

Vacation

I'm back from my trip to Brownsville, I had a good time. I didn't expect the ocean to be so fucking salty ha ha, I got a huge mouth full and almost threw up and my eyes were on fire for a bit. Didn't see any sharks yay!!! I wouldn't mind going back for another visit. Now onto J, I like him a lot but I just don't see us continuing on with a relationship. I just don't see myself moving to brownsville or settling down. Having a bf would mean I would either sacrifice my dream of moving around as a tattoo artist or break a guys heart. I honestly want a relationship but don't want anything to get in the way of my apprenticeship, love can wait lol.

4 anxious days left

I've got 4 of the most anxious days left before I hop on the bus to go see J, I really hope the weather is nice when we are out and about. I feel like I might be getting a little sick so I'm going to be taking some meds to fight off anything that might try to ruin my time in Brownsville, Tx. I like that he has been talking his friends ears off about me, I just hope I live up to their expectations. Either way I'm just going to be me. Its going to be great laying next to someone I connect with on so many levels, who knows he just might be my new man but that's getting ahead of myself. I am keeping an open mind about things though. I have very few days with him and so many things I want to see. There is : the beach, hiking, the zoo, the mall, bars. I know for sure that I want to go to the beach because I've never been on one so that is a must and the rest will just be spontaneous I guess. I told him that since he still has to work Friday that we'll just have movie night at his house and make food. I'll cook if he wants a taste of my cooking.

less than a week away YAY!!!!!

So excited that I'm going to meet J in 6 days, ready to see how we are together. If things go well I'm willing to invest the time and emotion into him. On another note, we lost our senior artist today. Its hard to make money at a new shop especially in Odessa. They should have started the shop off in Midland, then we wouldn't have lost anyone. I'm going to prepare for the worst and get my art supplies and portfolio from the shop before I go to visit J and see what another shop thinks about my work. The apprenticeship isn't great, they have no grasp of how to make it work. Texas is not like Colorado.

Commission

So up until two days ago I got put on the payroll and can now get commission. I made $20 the other night and a few tonight. Its not much but hey when you go from 0 to something its fucking great. I'm working on getting more machine time so i can achieve one of my dreams.

7 more days

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO happy that I finally have my tickets to go see J on the 22nd. 7 more days left. Anxious to finally meet the man I've been talking, e-mailing, and txting for the longest time. Can't wait to give him a big hug and feel him against me. On cloud nine seriously!!!! I love you guys I'll keep you posted on how it turns out.

Best time of my nights

My phone was on the brink of getting cut off last night bc I wasn't able to raise the money at the shop to pay it so I spent almost 3 hours on the phone with J before it was cut off. I love how we never really run out of things to say. So excited to go visit him, I will admit that I have been super giddy since we've planned this get together weekend. I was telling my mother about it and she's already jumping farther ahead than J and me, talking about oh if you like him are you going to move in with him. I was like "damn woman your just ready to get rid of me huh" . She just wants me to be happy, but not going to rush things. Its taken since about december for J and I to plan a meeting so who knows how long it will be before I move with him if we hit things off.

Headed in a great direction

So I've been enjoying the past few days talking with J, literally every night besides tonight we've talked for 2-3 hours on the phone. I have grown to really like him and see a great side of him. So very excited to go visit him in South Texas, I'm going to truly give him the chance he deserves. I will always love my x D but its time to try and move on. I'm happy he never gave up on trying to be with me, its paying off for him.

Taking care of the kids

Taking care of M's kids so she can make money at the shop, yeah its not my thing lol. Love them but I'm going to love giving them back even more. Wow I just changed her little boy's daiper and man this kid can shit.

Moving on

So I am going to take the leap and trust a guy I've been talking to. Going to go visit him on the 22nd for the weekend. I'm really excited to meet him, never seen the beach before. I have put this guy through the ringer and then some through my whole time knowing him and he's still been chasing me so that says something to me. I seriously didn't think his lifestyle and mine would be compatable but the more and more I look at it I realize that it doesn't matter. He completely accepts who and how I am with my tattooing, doesn't mind that I get tattoos. I am going to see how things go on the visit and if all goes well I feel like I could invest more time into him. Oh btw I love talking to him on the phone, never really have a dull moment.

Sometimes music takes the words right out of my mouth

This is how I feel when I think about D. 

Why do you keep coming back?

If your so happy with him now then ask yourself why you keep checking up on my life? I've already said that I will always love you no matter what, even though you hurt me. I am strong enough to look past that and just move on from that, I wouldn't have made myself look like a complete dumb ass trying to get a hold of you and asking your brother and my sister if you were single or if you missed me if I didn't want to be with you. You gave me mixed signals when you hugged me and told me you always thought about me yet say your with someone else, time is not on your side. I can't wait forever for you to decide if you want him or me, I'm not going to allow myself to be the second choice if shit hits the fan with him. Either you want to be with me or you want to be with him. If its him then fine, I'll be happy for you just don't give me some hope that your still thinking about me. If you want to be with me then man up and say so. I'm working my ass off to achieve my dream and live a fantastic life for myself, you can choose to either be apart of that because you love me or let me go for good. What I want from you is to be an honest man and love me for the rest of my life like you first promised me when you first said you loved me, no more secrets or talking to other men. Just have complete faith in each other. I can do that, just tell me you want me and we will be. No games or beating around the bush. Life is to short for all that, you know I love you so come and get me I'm right here D.

Didn't think I would be ok

I honestly did think that I'd be able to funtion today since I got my heart trampled on by D but you know what. I'm having a fucking awesome day lol. It hurt at first and felt like every breath was going to be my last but after a good sleep and some time around my awesome shop family I started feeling happy and realized that if D has moved on then I as least know that there isn't any false hope. I don't have to keep thinking if he's going to be with me now, he's moved on and happy so why should I keep dwelling on being single. I may not have a man but I'm fucking happy and thats all that matters. I love myself enough to just keep going, if D does decide to be with me then thats fucking great but if he doesn't then thats fucking great too :)

Comparison

Seems like I compare every man that I like to my X, idk if that's fair but its what I tend to do. Right now nobody is good enough for me, then again I can easily not be good enough for them. Its a fine line that I walk along, seems like I'm destined to fail if I keep measuring them up to the greatest loves of my life. If you know how I feel please tell me how you got through this. I need some help any help.

Way to send mixed signals

So I met with my X today, was happy to see him. Miss hugging him and being so close to him. Then it got a little crazy, he said he always thinks about me yet he says he's not in love with me just loves me. Wow mixed signals right? He's got a new man but the way he was hugging me didn't seem like he did. I love him and would get back with him if he wanted to but I'm not going to play games or be the other man or be the back up if it doesn't work out with ol boy. I will not wait forever, I wish him all the happiness with whoever this guys is. If you want me then make your move, one way I think about it is "do I really want to live my life without this person I've given my heart to?" If you can honestly think about me and say you don't see yourself with me for the rest of your life then we'll just never talk again, but if you can't deny that you still want me then fuck everyone else and just love me. I've said all I wanted to say and you know how I feel, its in your hands now. You have my number, you know where I live, don't hesitate to say something.

Ha Ha I get the point

I get now that its not going to happen between me and my x nor anyone else. It makes me sad but it is what it is, I'm just going to admit defeat in the battle of love. Its so funny because I try to be a good person and no love is my payment, I'm done being a caring person. Call me loveless from now on because I walk alone. These little moments in life are what help drive me to finish my apprenticeship and move the fuck away so I can forget everything but my family. I'm just tired of not having someone to love and call my own anymore, but if its not meant to be then its ok. I seriously feel like breaking down and just saying "fuck the world" and throwing myself into a deep depression, but I don't have that luxury. I have to keep going stronger than ever, don't let anyone get in my way. It sucks that I want to be with the one man who broke my heart and he doesn't want me. Guess if its that easy for him to move on then he really didn't care and the 5 years we have together didn't mean shit. I look back at what I have written and I've been rambling on like a little school girl but it makes me feel better. Thing I'm going to write a spell tonight to help me block out these feelings and keep love from breaking my heart again.

Numb

Lately I've been feeling like I'm seperate from everyone and everything. I tend to find myself thinking about the past and everything remins me of what was. Honestly I don't even remember when I left D, my days have all blurred together. I feel my heart aching inside my chest, it wants to be loved and not be invisible but at the same time is scared of the unknown. Sometimes I just want to be numb from this world so that I can get through the days. I see that my clouded mind has greatly affected my drawing and tattooing, I love it but been dazing off while at the shop. I just have so much running through my head all the time. I want to know if he has really moved on, and if he has I want him to tell me to stop loving him. I know a lot of people would say that I don't need him because of what he did, but sometimes I just want what I want. I remember crying in his arms when I first found out that my mom was sick again, and he was the only one who saw my tears when I would cry everyday. He wasn't always to thrilled that I tattooed at the apt but he never told me to give up. I remember always knowing what he was thinking and how he felt. That was the scary part, because I knew when he was talking to other men and when he wasn't. Right now I feel like curling up in bed and crying while feeling his arms around me. If I can no longer have that feeling then I'll have to learn to cope and move on, there will always be a spot for him in my heart. I just don't know if there is still a spot for me in his. I just have to keep moving forward with my life, don't let anybody in to disrupt my focus. I will put on a smile for the world to see while I cry on the inside for what I've lost. As far as anyone knows at work my life is perfectly in order, shows how trusting I really am.

The X again

So I sent my x a message on FB today and later asked my sis if that was a stupid thing to have done. She then informed me that he was already seeing someone else. Yeah it hurt a bit to know that it was that easy for him to move on, then again he did cheat on me so its not a complete surprise. I don't know what to think anymore, I'm not going to bug him about anything so I just messaged him back saying that I know he is now with someone else and that he should just disregard that last message. I know I hated how he cheated on me so I'm not going to give him the opportunity to cheat again on someone else. I'm just so tired of being alone and having horrible luck with guys. I'm sad and mad and just want to hate the world right now but it won't make me feel any better so I'm just going to let it all go and just not want any relationship. It does suck that I'm still in love with my x and still want to be with him even after all that he has done to me. Hopefully I can leave all this behind when I finish up my apprenticeship and move away from Texas.

Hate giving guys a chance to fuck up my world,going to shut them out for a while.

Moving on up

So I did 4 awesome tattoos today, guess I've really proven to my boss and the other artists that I've got what it takes to get some machine time. I wasn't expecting to get an amazing tip from one guy I tattooed on, then after he was done he put a deposit down on another tattoo for me to do on Monday. I feel very accomplished and that I've shown how good of an artist I am. I started work on a Koi tattoo but going to finish it Sunday. I love what I do, I'm never going back to working at a normal job ever again.

Part 1

So I finally got my rib tattoo started, but unfortunately for me the apprentice tattoos can only be worked on till 4 pm so we had to stop. I at least got my outline done and a little bit of shading in, going to heal up and when I'm ready I'm going to add in the color. Its going to fucking hurt I know it lol, but its well worth it. I don't want to post up pics of my unfinished tattoo just yet so when its done I'm def going to post it up. P says I wimped out bc it was super painful, well I don't see him with a rib tattoo so I don't know how he can bs me about mine. I'm not gonna lie it kinda bothered me, I just don't like someone telling me that I pussed out when I know thats not the case. I'm just going to cool off and not make it into a big deal, I like him and don't want some little comment that more than likely was a joke ruin what we've got.  Oh and I did my first tattoo on a real client today and got tipped big time!!!! I had a bad ass fucking day today!!! Hope I get to do more tattoos now that they know I can bust em out like the pros.

Taking the day off

I am taking the day off from the shop so I don't run myself into the ground. I chose to take to today because its one of the non busy days for the tattoo shop so they can handle it without me. I need some rest and time to get my stuff correct. I definately want to start working out today and go for a nice long bike ride. I am planning on touching up my drawing for the rib piece tattoo that I want and catching up on all the anime that I've not been able to watch. I've been talking to P more and more lately and it seems things are back on track and maybe going better than ever. I'm still not making any life changing choices but I'm really enjoying talking with him. I'm just going to enjoy my day off and try not to stress about the shop, I got to do tattoos so far but nothing truly challenging. I did a little piggy and some black and grey shading on one of the artists existing tattoo. I want to lay down some new lines and color some fresh skin, I know I'll get that opportunity soon enough so not rushing anything. More to come.

Can't lose my focus.

So I've lost 2 great apprentices, but you know what I'm not going to throw a pity party over it. I'm just going to take up their slack and keep busting ass like I've been doing. They didn't make me lead apprentice for nothing right? I've been working on getting more and more apprentices and letting people know about it but its taking a little while to get them in the door and to take the test. Its down to 3 apprentices now, Me...Lil Bit....and Flash!!! Whoever I hire on have some big shoes to fill and us three have set the bar fucking high. I like having a manager for the tattoo artists and shop bc when I need imput I can collaborate with them to decide what to do. Had a fucking blast though, put out some bad ass tattoos today and it fucking rained for once. Did only 2 free tattoos today, thats fucking awesome!!!! Proud of us 3 apprentices for always being there for each other and showing that we are here till the end. On a side note the guy I've been having some complications with finally messaged me back and kinda got things figured out. I just have to say that if you know your going to be busy at least give someone a heads up as to why you haven't talked to them in the past 2-3 days. Its ok bc I'm not mad and I don't hold anything against someone, I have told myself that if he is still around when I'm done with my apprenticeship I'm going to try and make it work with him. I like him a lot and am willing to give him a chance if he's willing to try as well. I like that he respects that I have this apprenticeship to finish. Ok everyone, I'm off to bed goodnight . WOOF!!

Hate when things happen and they are to good to be true, thought i found a guy i clicked with but it all went to shit :-(

New Tattoo

So I've been working on letting the boss man allow one of my apprentices to tattoo on me. Flash is a really good guy and I trust him with tattooing me. Its going to be a big rib piece, very colorful but with some black and gray work. A traditional Dagger with a ribbon that says LOVELESS on it and around the dagger are going to be some awesome sugar skulls. I can't wait to get it soon, still drawing it up and pushing to get it. Wish me luck guys.

What to do, what to do??

So I've been talking to a guy for a while, I'd say like a month through txt message. I met him through bearwww.com and he's a great guy as from what I can tell. I'm not having false illusions that he's going to sweep me off my feet lol, its nice to talk to someone who gets you. He's a very handsome man, we've even added each other to our facebooks and sometimes chat via facebook or bearwww.com or txt message. We'll I told him that I'm not looking for anything serious right now nor will I be until I finish my training next year. If we are still talking by this time next year I told him that I'd like to meet and so how things go. Its been nice talking to him over the weeks, he's really kept my mind on my apprenticeship. Well I've sent a few pics of me that had my I <3 U tattoo in them to him. I wasn't telling him I <3 U its just my tattoo and I can't remove it lol. So when he wrote back with <3 U one night I kinda freaked out bc I'm not ready to have someone throw that at me especially when I've never even met the guy. So I told him that I'm not ready for that and its best to cool it. He got mad bc well to him it was just a simple saying, but to me it means a lot more. I have been heartbroken so many times that I've become Loveless, so I told him that I just don't think we should throw those words around and well he told me that he wasn't in love with me and wasn't going to argue with me and said he's done. I felt like poop when he said that. I txt him a few times to just say that I freaked out bc it means so much to me and that I understood how he felt now. I told him that I didn't want to lose him bc he was a great guy, I let him know that if he wanted to continue to talk just to get at me when he wanted after he cooled down. I left him alone the rest of the day until the night and txt him if he wasn't going to talk to me anymore. He txt me back saying that I need to stop reading into things so much, I half agree with that bc its hard for someone like me who's been cheated on to not have a red flag when commitment pops up or I love you pops up. I've got my walls up so I don't get hurt, yeah I've let some down bc its nice to talk to someone who I'm attracted to and share a lot of things in common with. Well I messaged him this morning but no reply :( I'm not going to get my hopes up if he does decide to just drop me, not going to stress to much about it bc I know if I do I'll be taking focus away from my aprenticeship.

$350

So I talked to a guy today and he said he could fix my laptop for $300, I am trying to sell my Wii to make up half that. I'm planning on asking my parents to loan me the rest so I can finally get it fixed. I rely on my laptop so much. I also need to pay my phone which is $52. I don't make enough in tips right now bc the shop just opened and isn't getting the business it needs just yet. If I was a call boy I'm sure I can make enough to buy a house lol but I'm not going down that road. Lets just hope I can pull a miracle out of my broke ass and get it fixed and my phone paid.

Lighter

So last night this guy came into the shop to get one of our free tattoos, I helped him out and got him set up. I thought he left but later came back, and I noticed that he changed his shirt and fixed his hair. He wasn't getting a new tattoo just hanging around the shop. Well come to find out he was scoping me out, and yeah I was not interested. Before he left he slipped the receptionist a lighter with his number written on it, she handed it to me after he left. I was quick to say, no thanks but I'm keeping this bad ass lighter ha ha ha. MP our receptionist was so mad that I wasn't going to give him a shot, she told me he was cute and sweet. I still wasn't changing my mind because he was definately not my type. Oh and really who gives you a broken lighter with your number on it, better make sure that shit works when you give it to me. I think thats been the fourth number I've gotten from a guy while working at the shop, going to start a collection jar soon. I'm flattered but not interested in any of them.

One month down!!!!!!

So I finally completed my first month at the shop, I'm so happy that I got this far. I look back on my older posts of when I was eagerly waiting for them to call me. I remember being so nervous to take my drawing test that I almost threw up. I recall when my boss man told me I was good enough to become an apprentice in his shop, I almost cried but didn't want to look like some punk ass. My first day I was fucking nervous like the first day of school all over again, I remember being so scared to talk to any of the artists or other apprentices. I've grown to love them all and confide in them when I need help with something. I've seen numerous apprentices come and take the test to only throw this opporunity away. I love every minute of it and even though some times are hard and feel like they are breaking you down its all worth it. It makes you stronger. I was recently promoted to lead apprentice so that means its my job to direct the apprentices in whos doing what. I like it because I've held manager positions before so I'm used to it. I don't just sit on the sidelines and watch them work, I get into the cleaning with them and sign waving too. The title lead doesn't change all that much for me, just means that if they have a problem they tell me and I'll fix it and just be in charge of things so that they can focus on perfecting their drawings skills and learing from the artists. I see potential in everyone of them, its up to them to have the drive to reach the end and become a pro tattooist. I know I have the drive and the passion. I have made some bad ass friends at the shop and we have become a tight crew, I know what to expect from them and they know what to expect from me so we work smoothly together. I'm happy where I'm at now, and having these people around me has really helped me move on with my life.

Yeah it sucks playing around with all the guys at the shop, it just makes me wanna fuck so bad ugh why me. They have no idea what they do to me

So funny how when you think something is going so well it all goes in another direction in a heartbeat. Glad i didn't open my heart

Super Fucking horny, sucks being single with trust issues and not into one night stands :-( could really use some all night sex with a hot man

Just saw the perfect bear today, getting a tattoo so hot!!!!

No love in my life

I hate that I can't trust any men right now, I see a lot of great guys and have talked to a few as well but everytime something in the back of my head says "don't trust them, its only a matter of time" so I just politely decline any invites. I'm just not ready and I've also got my apprenticeship to concentrate on. My friend from work said he wanted to try and hook me up with one of his friends from work but I just don't have the time, money, or the trust for that. I really appreciate him trying to help my single situation but for now I'll just have to turn my lonelyness into something positive. I see myself moving away from this town once I'm done with my apprenticeship, I want to stay with the shop for a while. I hope they open one up in my town by the time I'm done with my training, the 20 min drive to and from Odessa is long. Love will have to wait, oh and besides the men are sure to be much better when I move away.

Hate this

I'm sick, in the middle of a fucking drought I'm sick. WTF!!!! Anyways I had to take a day off rom the shop because I can't be sick and working around people with fresh tattoos because I could spread it to them. I don't want to get the other apprentices sick either. I'm taking meds right now and hoping that I'm all better by tomorrow because I don't want to miss another day at the shop.

X-mas

This is what I want for my X-Mas present please!!!!!!

Finally cut my hair

I haven't cut my hair in forever, well it seemed like forever. I finally decided that Its time to shed these horrible locks of hair and start making myself look hot. I just love my new hair cut, I hope everyone else does too!! I wanted to post a picture of the new me but I don't have a camera or a fancy phone to e-mail one so I'm SOL lol! Its ok, all these hard times are just a temporary set back because when I finish my trainging I'll be making enough money to live my life happily and not have to worry to much about being broke. I haven't been posting regularly like I used to because I have been so damn busy apprenticing at the tattoo shop, I'm usually there from 10:30am - 10:30pm 6 days a week. I like it though because it keeps me busy and I have some great friends at the shop, my mind is always going and thinking of new ideas of what to draw. I don't mind having no time for a bf because I don't want one now, I'm also going to allow myself to be really picky when I do start looking. I want what my friend C has, her bf is a tattoo artist and she is an apprentice about to be a tattoo artist. That would be perfect for me, to have a bf that is a tattoo artist and a bear. That way we could work together and have so much in common, I eat sleep and breathe tattooing so I know that I would never get tired of hearing about it all. We could learn from each other, I look forward to meeting him someday.

Another day gone

I worked my ass off today, I helped run the front desk while my manager was getting shit done. I loved it, reminded me of when I was working for Sam's and the dealership. I was getting all the paperwork in line then processing them out. My boss made my day when he walked all the way out to me when I was sing waving just to thank me for what I did. I love the shop and I'll do anything to help them bc they are helping to make my dreams come true. I'm working like a beast to earn my Brutal Nation Ink hat and shirt!!!!!!!! I don't know if I'm ready to get it as a tattoo just yet, maybe when I finish my training next year. I was also thinking on the way home, I want to have a bf that is a tattoo artist but also a bear type. I know its like trying to find a needle in a hay stack but I'm sure there is one out there for me and I'm not going to settle for anything less even if I have to be single for a few years. Right now my primary concern is my tattooing career and my family, no man even registers to me.

I don't want to

I hurt my ankle a few days ago and I've been working on it at the tattoo shop, well I happend to mention it to my manager and he is forcing me to take a day off. I so don't want to spend an unwanted day off from the shop bc I love being there so much. I asked him if it would be okay if I came in and got some drawing done and not apprentice, he said that would be okay. I would like to go but might not because I see that my mom and dad need a break from taking me to Odessa and back everyday. I wish I had my own car to get back and forth without anyone to drive me, but it is what it is right? I have grown so close to all the people at the shop, its hard to imagine missing a day there. I'm going to rest my ankle and get it better so that when Monday comes up I'll be ready to work hard!!!!!! Can't wait to take my artist test to see if I'm ready to take the next step.

So tired but still in the game, i love being at the shop. So its decided, I dont have time for any dating. But its worth it to me, this is my life.

Torn

I don't know what to choose anymore. I want to break down and fall into his arms but can't because I feel like I'd lose everything I have worked so hard to get. I want to see his face again and have him tell me he loves me all over again but my heart breaks everytime I think about what I went through. Do I turn away and just keep going without him or do I give in and blindly allow him into my life again??? I will test myself, if I can see him face to face and not feel like I want to be with him again then I will just keep living my life how it is now, but if my heart races and I want to be with him then I will. I will not give up my dream or my training, he will have to settle with seeing me on my off days. I will give myself this test, and the outcome is what it is.

Tattoo Love

Been working on a tattoo to symbolize my love for tattooing, I have it drawn up but still need to fine tune it and tweek it more before I can get it put on me. The basic concept is to have a tattoo machine with 2 pentagrams being held up by a little voodoo doll that is tattooing another voodoo doll. So its a tattoo within a tattoo, I'll find some way to post up some pics of the finish drawing and when I finally get it I'll post up the finished product. I'm so excited to be getting a new tattoo and one that I drew on my own, I've been watching the other apprentices and taking some tips from their drawing styles and learning how to shade correctly. I want it to be a color piece but not to much color because I want to give it that awesome dark occult look. I'm also going to work on drawing up something for my teddy bear tattoo, I'm not to sure if I put the reason behind him. Well he symbolizes a point in my life where I was just used and not cared for like I was supposed to be. Like a little teddy bear I gave off nothing but love, and instead all I recieved were scars and a broken heart. He signifies the dark times I had with D, I put all that in my past not to forget but to just leave in my past. He is there to help remind me that I'm not taking any more crap from any man ever again, I will never allow myself to be taken advantage of again. I plan on putting some old school letter blocks on one side of him but looking worn out and broken and something else on his other side also worn out and broken. Its going to be a whole piece dedicated to all the negativity I'm leaving behind while I'm on my journey to achieving my dreams and living my life the way I want.

Happy 4th of July

Had a great time at the tattoo shop, we closed down for the day. There was burgers, hot dogs, beer, and ppl getting tattooed. The last one was the best part. There are 3 tattoo artists so far: J, G, and M. I like working with all of them but more with G because he has like 30yrs. of experience and knows his shit. Oh the best part of the day was when M was tattooing an apprentice and while she was getting tattooed she was doing a tattoo on someone else. That was like history in the making, G said he has seen some stuff in his days but never anything like that. I wanted to stay longer but decided to call it a day. I'm off Tuesdays and Thursdays, so I'll be going back up there on Wednesday then off again on Thursday. I drew out a bad ass tattoo that I want so bad, its a tattoo machine with voodoo dolls. It makes me more driven to get it and to finish my training. Can't wait to go on Wednesday, I would go tomorrow but I want to give my mom and dad rest from taking me to Odessa. It'll be nice to rest anyways, need to catch up on some laundry.

WOW

Had a Motha Fucking AWESOME day at the shop! I know I need to work on my drawing skills because I feel like I'm way behind the others. I see them popping out bad ass designs and I'm just not thinking that way. Everyone is super helpful and very supportive. Cook out tomorrow!!! Loving my tattoo shop family!!!

So tired from work and training but love living my own life, more happy days at the tattoo shop to come

One Year

My life will be different in one years time, I will hopefully have completed my training and be making the money that comes with being a tattoo artist. I plan on making a name for myself and not letting anyone get in my way. Its going to be either get with my program of get the fuck off the ride with me, I don't have time for games or guys that can't handle a true 1-on-1 LTR. I don't know if I'll still be in Midland or Odessa doing tattoos when I'm done with training, they might transfer me somewhere else. So obviously if I decide on being with someone they have to be willing to move with me or have something long distance. Not going to worry myself with it now, just going to focus on me and my dreams. That and my family is all that matters to me now.

One day down

I finished my first day at Brutal Nation Ink today. I had a fucking blast even though I was mopping and cleaning a lot. I was even a sign holder twice, free tattoos everyday. Come and see us if your in Odessa. I learned how to break down a tattoo station and set one up. So many rules and regulations but hey its worth learning. So many people came in today to get free tattoos, very few got big ones. But hey the shop just opened yesterday so things are gonna be running on the free tattoos till the reputation grows. I will do my best to promote the shop at work and wherever I go. The staff is super friendly and great, I fully appreciate my boss for the opportunity he has given me to achieve my dreams. I won't be going tomorrow because I work all day at Walmart, I assigned my Tuesdays and Thursdays as my off days from the shop so I can put in a whole 8 hours at work. Have to make money some how right. Really hope to be getting this car soon because I wanted to stay longer than 9 at the shop, but since I had my sis and mom waiting outside I had to leave. I'm so in love with the shop, oh and funny enough I always get lost in the back. Funny thing is that its just one strait line lol like a huge hallway. Oh and I was trying to take the tops off the inks and I spilt some on the WHITE counter lol, everyone was making fun of me lol. I got it cleaned up as much as possible but there is still some in the cracks. I quit because I didn't want to make anymore messes.

First day at work

I had a good first day at work. Started way to fucking early though lol, and what do I get for complaining that it was too early I get to go in at 7am tomorrow lol. Just my luck ha ha, I get off at 12pm and have to go to Odessa to the tattoo shop by 1pm. I'll be there till about 9 or 10 pm. I fixed my schedule to where I am able to only miss 2 full days of training and on the days I go to Odessa I'll only miss about an hour of training. I'll work about 31 hrs a week at Walmart because I want to spend as much time as possible at the tattoo shop. Trying to buy a little car from my dad's friend so I'll have some wheels to take me to work and training without having to have someone drive me around. Looks like its an easy enough job at Walmart. I know that I will be dog ass tired from working all morning and training at night, it is worth it all though. I'll fill you all in on how my second day at work goes and my first day as an apprentice goes. I love you all!!!

I love my tattoo family

Missed a call from the shop and the manager left me a funny ass message lol, they are fucking awesome. I have to go to Walmart tomorrow for the orientation and to setup my schedule, I have to make it to where I can make money but still have enough time to be at the tattoo shop most of the time. I also need to worry about buying a car. Ugh please let me get hit on by a rich as man who will promise me a car and money. Ha ha ha yeah like I'd really go for that. Its just going to take time to get it all together but once I do I'll be happily on my way to living the life I want. When I get on my own feet and start making the money tattoo artists make I am going to live by my own rules. I've always been told that isn't the way its done, well here is a big FUCK YOU to all those who told me that. Its not my fault you are to scared to chase your dreams, you gain nothing without risk.

I'm still a man

I may be single and happy that I now have a job and an apprenticeship but that doesn't mean I can't get super horny. Its been a LONG while since I last got laid and its killing me. I'm not one for casual hook ups or one night stands either or else I'd have already gotten laid. This is the shitty part about being single :( Just have to deal with it I guess, oh and if your wondering if I ever pleasure myself think again because I just don't find jacking off that great anymore ever since I left D. I miss cuddling and having that romance with someone, but can't find the strength to move past this pain and having to trust someone with my heart again. I don't know when I'll feel safe letting someone else into my life, I don't even think I'll bring that person around my family until they have proven themselves to be trustworthy to me. One little fuck up and they are out of my life for good, I don't have time for games.

Set up mobile blogging so i dont have to wait to get home anymore, so that means more posts yay!!!!

Figure out my schedule

So I have to figure out how I'm going to work while going to the tattoo shop. I know I want to devote most of my time at the shop, so I have to figure out what to tell Walmart. I know the manager said he wants me to work at least 4 days and 3 nights, but that was when I didn't have plans of being an apprentice. Maybe I can work part time like 7am to 12pm and apprentice at the shop from 1pm to 9pm or later. I know I will figure something out, just need to talk to walmart on tuesday when I go to orientation. Somehow I need to pay for the gas to get to Odessa and back.

I Motha Fucking Made It In

I was so nervous but as soon as I walked in the door I left it all behind. I passed the timed test with ease, but I didn't expect to. The second test was without a time limit, I had to draw a dragon. I hate drawing dragons, but I rocked it out. Took my time to finish, was there for about 3 hours. They loved my drawing but said that I need to work on my timing. I got accepted and I almost couldn't contain my happiness. I wanted to cry a few tears of happiness but didn't lol, I didn't want to look like a punk. I did this on my own, I didn't need a man by my side. I know I can achieve a lot more if I just put my mind to it. I love my family and friends for all the support that they have given me along the way. I know that I wouldn't have been able to achieve this apprenticeship if I was still with D, he always did find a way to bring me down. Not only did today prove that I don't need him in my life to be happy, but that I don't need any man in my life to be happy. I just have to have trust in my family and friends. More updates to come friends, I'll keep a constant update on my progress and I train to become a PROFESSIONAL TATTOO ARTIST!!!!!

Drawing Test

So I have to take a drawing test tomorrow and pass it in order for me to become an apprentice. I'm so nervous, hope I can live up the standards to pass. First test is 8 mins. long and the second isn't timed. I know I can do the second one for sure its the first one that is bothering me. I'm just not very creative I guess.

FINALLLLLLLLLLYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!

So I finally got an e-mail from the tattoo shop I've been wanting to apprentice for. Going to Odessa tomorrow with mom to talk to them. I'm fucking nervous and shitting bricks. What if they don't like me or decide to pass on helping me? I'm way more nervous than when I go in for a job interview. This is my passion in life and I guess I can't help but be nervous. Wish me luck world. Oh and on a side note, I've noticed that things are starting to look up in my life now that I'm done with D. Seems like its all falling into place, good karma I guess. I want to say that I deserve it because of all the love I gave out. The gods are giving back all the love I showered on D, wish it didn't have to be like this but it is so I'm just going to roll with it. Please let me land that apprenticeship.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

I was about to go to bed when I started listening to some of Fefe Dobson's music and I broke down and cried. I just want to know how the fuck someone can say that they love you and tell you that they want to spend the rest of their life with you and have it be nothing but a lie. I thought after so many years and times that we spent together that it would mean something. That is what proved he wasn't the one for me, the fact that he tries to say he only wanted me now that I'm not his. I'm not some toy you can decide to play with and toss aside when your bored and come back to me later. I never want to see him again. He ruined my belief in love and trust, he is the cause of all my pain right now. I wish I could say I hate him but I don't, I just wish I never have to see him again or even think of him again. I don't have anyone to cry on so I have to either hold back my tears and say I'm alright or cry alone like I am now. I've decided that after I get a car and a laptop along with a few thousand saved up, I'm out of this town and hopefully leaving his memory behind for good. I don't care where I go as long as I get to be me and live my dreams.

Fefe Dobson - Don't Let It Go To Your Head

I remember always listening to this while I was with him, right now I am so angry because I think about what we could have had and how he threw all that away. I know he tried to make up for it but it was to late, I wanted to believe he could make it all better by being around more, but there was already way to much damage done. His lies took over the relationship and made it impossible to love him again. I get so angry at times and I just want to cry from the pain he has caused me but I don't I just smile and think of something else. He will never know how much I wanted to be with him, he can say that he loves me and that he only wanted me but deep down he never loved me enough to just be with me. I was never enough, I wasn't good enough for him. I will be more than enough for someone some day. D was my all when I was with him, I held the love I had for him above anything else. So to know that it meant nothing to him as he went behind my back and talked to the entire world hurts me deeply. I remember falling in love with him when he was in college and working a loser job, I stuck by his side when he dropped out. I never cared about what he did for a living as long as I had him and he told me he loved me. Everything changed when he started making more money, he became a completely different person. He wasn't the sweet guy I once knew anymore, he only cared about money money money. Well now I hope his money is telling him " I love you" because I no longer will. It breaks my heart knowing that I gave everything I could to make him happy but he decided it wasn't good enough and started talking to other men. He could have at least had the balls to tell me he wasn't happy and that he wanted to see other people. He is a coward and not a real man, I see him in a completely different way now. I now see that we were never meant to be together forever because we are two different types of people. He needs someone who only thinks about making money and I need someone who values life, love and happiness over material things. D was only meant to be in my life to show me how to NOT love someone, I will take my experience with D and use it to love someone else truly UNCONDITIONALLY. I know I will be happy someday, and that helps me get up and face the days as they come.

Fefe Dobson - Ghost

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! This song make me want to sit D down and play this for him OVER and OVER.

Fefe Dobson - Stuttering

Love all her music, it really makes me look at life.

Fefe Dobson - Can't Breathe

I can't get this song out of my head. It rings through my brain day and night.

No bueno

My family is thinking about taking a trip to San Antonio and I can't go because I'm about to get two jobs. I really would love to go and just be happy with my family, but then again I want to make money. Sometimes you just have to do what you need in order to get what you want. I want to be financially independent so I've gotta put my mind in full work mode. One day I'll have the time and money to do what I want, when I want. I know that I'm going to help out my parents with what I can and the rest is going towards my phone bill which is only $45 and savings for a car. Going to push myself as hard as I can to achieve what I need in my life, no time for much fun right now. I have my family beside me so its okay, besides I pass the time by playing Black Ops with my brother and L.

Starting over is never easy

Finally had a talk with D, cleared out a lot of emotions I've wanted to express. I will always love him because he was in my life for 5 years, but I will never be in love with him anymore. I don't think about him or going back to him, at first I thought I was just in the moment and I would just run back to him again. Then after a few more days I finally realized that I'm over going back to him. I am still hurt and can't see myself trusting anyone anytime soon. I am moving on but at a slow pace. My life is finally mine to live with no one to tell me no or hold me back, its either go with my flow or get out of the way. The 5 years I spent with D have tought me how to not treat someone you love, I know that when I do fall in love again that whoever he is will be the luckiest man alive. My love is deep and never ending, but my forgiveness is limited.

Why take one when you can have 2?

I have two job interviews tomorrow, think I'm just going to take both jobs. Need money to buy a car and I'm not doing anything with my life right now. I don't date or even go out so its the perfect time to work two full time jobs. I want to buy another Cobalt, mine was an 05 and was my little baby. I want a Lancer but they are really pricy, especially the one that I want. Cobalts are cheap and great with gas, would love a sun roof but that can always be installed right. This time I'll go with a two door Cobalt instead of 4 door, because I don't have kids and don't plan on moving anytime soon. Wish me luck guys, really hope I land these two jobs.

One day at a time right

So I don't really know how long its been since I left D, but I'm glad I got myself out of that lie of a relationship. A side affect I knew I was going to have is that when I look at a cute man all I can think of is," I wonder if he has cheated?" I have completely lost trust in men, I have no desire to be with one. One day I will open my heart again.

Everyday

Everyday I wake up I look back on my life and see what I need to change in order to not have a tragic repeat. Working on getting a job still, my cousin M called me a few days ago and told me that his friend was going to try to help me out. I have to turn in the application but my brother is taking forever with the suburban. I think it pays $9 an hour but if its less I don't care, something is something. Going to stop tattooing for a while because I've run out of some supplies and I can't afford to buy more. It has put a little sad cloud over my tattooing dream but still not going to let it stop me.

Unfamiliar territory

It feels strange to be single and not have a guy, I'm so used to always having someone. I like this independence from it all, I can think clearly and not have to worry about someone else for a chance. I am currently looking for jobs, need some money. I have a new plan. 1. Get a job 2. get a car 3. get a laptop 4. SAVE SAVE SAVE 5. Try my hardest to get an apprenticeship in Midland or Odessa. 6. Either move away if I don't land an apprenticeship or find my own apt if I do get my own place. I will have to work really hard if I want all this, but since I'm the one who is the only one keeping me from starving and being a broke ass I am extremely motivated. Had to trim my goatee today so that I won't look like a crazy ass when I apply, hope it helps. Feels weird to have it short again, but its only hair so it can always be grown back. My brother wants me to help him with his business as a locksmith, I'm thinking about it but don't want to get stuck doing it. I don't see myself living in Midland or even Texas for the rest of my life. I plan to move away to a place where I can be me and not end up with a openly proud gay man and have a group of great friends. But I'd like to have the group of friends more than a man right now, need to get out of this house. I love them but sometimes I need someone else to kick it with. Then again, I hate to be broke and go anywhere. So until I find a job I'm stuck at home with my loving family. I want to go to the clubs but not here, to many hoes. Everyone fucks everyone here and that is some nasty shit. Really thinking about trying to save up for a cruise, think it would be a great adventure and add to my life. I'm sure I'd be able to make some great friends from around the country. To travel is my ultimate dream, I just want to see as much as possible while I can. I only have 1 life and I'm not going to waste it in this town dating a loser.

I'm a survivor

I am an adult and need to finally take charge in my life and cut out what isn't good for me anymore. With that said, I have broken it off with D completely. I have not shown any remorse for us splitting up, its done. I wish I could have said, " I still love him unconditionally and want him in my life". But I just can't because he hurt me bad and I don't ever see him changing his ways, that is not what I want in my life. I have bigger plans that just being a small time tattoo artist who is stuck in my home town. I am strong and very able to reach my dreams if I keep my focus up and don't let anything or anyone distract me. Have some good work lined up for this weekend, so hopefully I can get more and more clients in the chair. Still haven't gotten a call from the shop that is suppose to be opening up in Odessa, if they don't call then I'll just keep my head up and try another place. Sooner or later I will get something. I finally love myself enough to stand up and be happy, even if that means being single. Midland and Odessa don't have anything to offer me when it comes to men, they are all just whores that like to sleep around. Thinking about moving away soon, don't know where but anywhere but here.

newest tattoo i've done

New Tattoo done

I did a tattoo on a client today, he was so happy that he paid me more than I asked for. Looks like I have a client for life !!!!!! Working on getting the pics up on the computer so I'll post a pic up soon.

This Sucks

So I have been living at my mom's house since I left D, well when we got back together I refused to move back in with him. I just needed the time to deal with the hurt still but I also want him to work hard at showing me that he can be trusted once again. I do miss him and sleeping beside him every night, but at what cost. Certainly not at the cost of giving up who I am, why is it so hard to just be you with D. He has this thing where he feels like he needs to put on this "Macho strait guy" act when we are in public, yet as soon as we are in private or with MY family he flips and starts hugging on me and being really gay sometimes. It makes me so mad because I can't do that, I act the way I act regardless of who I am around. Just wish he would call me babe in public like I do him, or not act like I'm just a friend when other people are around. I gave him a taste of it in Balmorhea for the Memorial Day Dance and he didn't like it. Maybe I need to do the same here, then again by not seeing him everyday or even talking to him everyday makes me want to hold him and kiss him more. I wish I knew what to do but I don't have the answers. Really need a fairy god mother right now. Guess only time can tell on this one. Going to just take it day by day, if he really wants to be with me then he will make the effort to come see me when he can or call me when he can because I'm not going to do the chasing he is.

Its Different now

So ever since we got back together its been hard to not want to go through D's phone or his emails but I don't. I want to trust him but everytime I see him pick up his phone or jump on his laptop my stomach tightens and my mind starts racing thinking about what he's doing. I still don't think I can trust him with my heart, which is why I'm not going to move in with him for a while. I don't like not being by his side to watch over him and constantly remind him that he is in a relationship so that he doesn't run off on me again. Another thing that bothers me is that I have ONE rainbow shirt that says " We Are Everywhere" and D hates for me to wear it in public. I am not scared to be seen with this shirt on, because I am a very proud gay man. Its not like I'm runing up to people telling each and everyone of them that I'm gay, I just want to wear my pride. I don't see how it differs from people wearing things about themselves like bumper stickers or shirts saying who you voted for or what nationality your are. D hates this shirt and refused to go out in public with me so i simply said " well take me home then so you can go grocery shopping". I'm not going to change who I am anymore for him, either accept it all or lose it all. Not playing games anymore. I never tell him what to wear or how to wear it, I have always accepted him how he is so why can't he do the same. So from now on I'm just going to keep my distance from him and only see him every now and then, hopefully he will grow up and stop thinking about what everyone thinks and just be happy in his OWN life. I don't have time to debate on a shirt, its my body and I'll do whatever I see fit with it. I wish he would love me unconditionally and stop thinking about the world when we step out of the door. He is with me not them. If you have any insight on this matter please feel free to right me, I always welcome advise.

Help Wanted

So I'm here in Balmorhea with D and his family. We went to his brothers graduation party on Friday and I asked him to dance with me. Well one thing lead to another and we went to bed mad at each other because he doesn't want to be gay in public yet wants me to be all over him behind closed doors. I understand the whole no holding hands and kissing passionately like some hot and heavy couple, but a simple "babe" or little quick peck wouldn't kill him. So I had a super long talk with his sis M and I came to an agreement with myself that I would try to treat him like he wants. So on Saturday I don't call him babe or try to be affectionate with him, not trying to be really close to him. I was just acting like a friend by not standing to close, calling him by his first name, being just calm and cool. So when we get back to the house I'm still acting the same way, then when we go to bed he is all pissed that I'm not all up on him trying to jump his bones. So he tells me that he's just gonna call off the trip to San Antonio and Six Flags, I told him "OK" because that's not what I'm here for. I'm here to spend time with him and try to work things out but apparently I'm not doing something right like always. I don't give a fuck if we go back to Midland, its not like I'm living with him or relying on him for my bills. He can spend his last days of his vacation alone for all I care, because if this is how its going to be then I just have one word for him " GOODBYE". I'm not about to let him bring me down again when I didn't do anything wrong. He needs to grow up and stop being a chicken shit about showing some fucking affection towards me, nobody gives a shit. I don't want him to do it to show them that he's with me, I want him to do it to show ME that he's there for ME. I don't even know anyone besides his family so what satisfaction would I get from him showing off how gay he is by dancing or holding my hand? If he doesn't change his ways then he can just move on, I'm not going to give in to anything this time around. He has two choices: get his shit together and just live happy with me and stop worrying about what others think about him, or hit to road and find another closet case to spend his life with. Going to have a talk with him and let him know whats what, I don't give a shit if he leaves me in Balmorhea to find my own way home as long as he finally makes up his FUCKING MIND for once.

Weekend in Balmorhea

So I am here in Balmorhea, Tx. for D's brother's graduation. He is the last one of the siblings to graduate. I'm proud of him, man I remember meeting him when he was little lol. I've known him since he was 12 years old, wow that makes me feel so old even though I'm only 23. After the graduation and the party today there is the annual Memorial Street Dance held in the center of town. I like it because there is music and dancing, byob, oh and must not forget the many food booths. I will admit that I am more excited about the food than anything else. Going to be eating a lot this weekend, but I'll work it off when we go to San Antonio for the next part of the vacation. Six Flags here we come on the 29th. We'll be coming home on the 2nd of June so D can pay his rent and start work on Saturday. I have been eagerly waiting for the call from the tattoo shop that sent me the e-mail about an apprenticeship but still haven't gotten a call. They open on the 1st of June so if they don't call by then I'll just have to take the initiative and call them myself. Hopefully they will see that I really want this and welcome me to learn all there is to this beautiful art. I have so many plans for my future and getting an apprenticeship is the first step in reaching my goals. Wish me luck everyone.

Why did she have to say that???

I was having a great day, did a small job interview at Al's Formal wear and went for a great bike ride. When I got home my sis told me " hey did I tell you that D lost his wallet?" I just said its because he's a dumbass. It bothered me a lot because it stirred up so many memories of me always trying to find his wallet and phone and keys for him all the time. I find myself thinking about him now, I told R that it was making me sad to think about him. I didn't tell him that what my sister said started making me miss finding stuff for him. It made me miss the time we spent together, then it makes me so mad because I can think about all the happy memories we shared and the happy times I shared with his family. I find myself asking why wasn't I good enough to keep him for myself? What wasn't I doing? Makes me so mad. I know I will never be able to trust him again, but I can't help but want to be in his arms again. I didn't want to leave him, I didn't want to leave his side. Makes me really depressed when I think about what we had, I just want to know what made him stray to others. Is it for the best that we are apart? Will I ever get over him? Will any other man be able to fill in the hole he left in my heart? I have so many questions, and no answers. Had a dream last night about me and him happy together, I woke up scared and almost started crying. I sit alone in this quiet house and all I can hear are the fans blowing and the wind passing through the trees while I can't stop thinking about him and how he sleeps. Wondering if he's moved on to one of those guys he was talking to behind my back. I don't know if I need to hear him say that it was me and that he didn't want me anymore so that I can move on with my life, or if I want him to pursue me and tell me everything will get better and show me that he is willing to prove himself. Then again it would take deleting his facebook account before I could feel okay. I'd want to always be checking his phone and that's not something a relationship needs. I want to convince myself that he will change and that he could be honest to me, but its hard to believe when its not the first time. Sucks knowing that I had my life planned out for us but he threw it all away. Now that I am not with him anymore all these job opportunities and this apprenticeship come up, why couldn't they have shown up earlier in the months? I don't know what is in store for my life, but I have to be strong enough to stand on my own two feet if I'm to survive. No more relying on anyone for anything. Going to ask R to give me a few days of space to think and try to just be me. I like him a lot but right now I'm still not sure I want to move on from D even if he has cheated on me. Whatever I decide I will have to face it head on, even if i have to be the bad guy.

So its been a few days

Well we somehow worked things out and are just going to tkae it SLOW!!! I almost lost my chance with R because of my insecurities that I developed while I was with D. I believed that I wasn't worth waiting for or even pursuing by another man. Thanks to R's talks I realized that in order to make my life the way I want it I have to be the one to make the choices. So I told him that I would like to wait till Oct 31st to make my mind up if he has a spot in my life. If I don't make a choice by then I told him that he can just walk away from me with no remorse because we agreed that 4 months is plenty of time to make up my mind. So far everything has been starting good, oh and we are going to abstain from sex. We told each other that if we make it official that we will be completely monogomous and celebrate with the most intimate of actions, SEX!! So until then we are going to just date and wait, so this past Saturday he took me out to eat and to the movies. I had the best fucking date ever, and he is so fun to be around. Oh did I mention that our date was 12 hours long, yeah it didn't even feel like that because I was having such a great time with him. Even though we agreed to not have sex that doesn't mean we can't kiss, and man there was a lot of kissing lol. We went to the drive in and watched Fast Five and Brides Maids. Well we just wanted to see Brides Maides so while Fast Five was playing we were just talking and well kissing the whole time. Yeah best movie ever lol. Oh if you haven't seen Brides Maids then you need to see it because its fucking hilarious, there were a lot of people with kids who watched Fast Five. Well wen Brides Maids came on all those people with kids left in the first 5 mins because it was so vulger and raunchy lol. So my kind of movie and also R's kind as well, we were laughing so hard during the whole movie. I highly recommend it. After the movies ended we went to a quiet place to talk some more till about 3 am and then he took me home. I so didn't want to leave his side but know that I can't afford to jump into a relationship so fast. Its going to be worth it to take it slow and build it up. Going to spend the weekend with him, so excited for that!!!! Love them kisses and that smile.

Just Friends

So I had a long talk with R and we decided that we should just be friends because my life is way to complicated. Just going to hold off on dating, gotta get my life on track. Really hoping that I get the apprenticeship at Brutal Nation Ink..keeping my hands tied.

I'm sorry

So I finally told R that I needed to just work on me, and it went kinda how I thought it would go. I knew he was going to take it hard but not that hard. I know he was and still is dealing with some family demons but I still can't let that get in the way of making myself better. I still want him as a friend even if he moves on, because its not often that you meet someone great like him. I rushed into things way to fast and the result was hurting him in the end. That was the last thing on my mind but I had to man up and tell him the truth. No more pussy footing around with people, I have to take full control of my life because nobody else can. My sis tells me that she would like to see me get back with D, but I don't see that happening. It hurts me when she says stuff like that, aren't you suppose to take my side? I get sad at times because I may not have a nice apt like when I was living with D but I wouldn't trade the time I have spent with my family. It hurts when someone brings him up like it doesn't hurt me. Its not like I am running away from the pain, its just that I feel like I can't get over it if everyone keeps talking about him like we are still together. If I keep my head up I know that someday I will not think about him or even flinch when someone brings him up, but for now I just try to keep myself from breaking down. I feel horrible that I hurt R like this, if I could make it up to him in any way I would. The more and more I learnt about his lifestyle, the more I began to realize that I had chosen the wrong path to take with him. I regret not being his friend first and being able to learn all about him and then pursuing something romantic. But that ship has sailed and I have ruined any chances of us ever getting serious. I now have to focus on my tattooing and making it my lifes passion, I know I will find someone someday. It just isn't the right time for me, but it will someday. I love you all!!!! Be safe, Be strong!!