One Year

My life will be different in one years time, I will hopefully have completed my training and be making the money that comes with being a tattoo artist. I plan on making a name for myself and not letting anyone get in my way. Its going to be either get with my program of get the fuck off the ride with me, I don't have time for games or guys that can't handle a true 1-on-1 LTR. I don't know if I'll still be in Midland or Odessa doing tattoos when I'm done with training, they might transfer me somewhere else. So obviously if I decide on being with someone they have to be willing to move with me or have something long distance. Not going to worry myself with it now, just going to focus on me and my dreams. That and my family is all that matters to me now.

One day down

I finished my first day at Brutal Nation Ink today. I had a fucking blast even though I was mopping and cleaning a lot. I was even a sign holder twice, free tattoos everyday. Come and see us if your in Odessa. I learned how to break down a tattoo station and set one up. So many rules and regulations but hey its worth learning. So many people came in today to get free tattoos, very few got big ones. But hey the shop just opened yesterday so things are gonna be running on the free tattoos till the reputation grows. I will do my best to promote the shop at work and wherever I go. The staff is super friendly and great, I fully appreciate my boss for the opportunity he has given me to achieve my dreams. I won't be going tomorrow because I work all day at Walmart, I assigned my Tuesdays and Thursdays as my off days from the shop so I can put in a whole 8 hours at work. Have to make money some how right. Really hope to be getting this car soon because I wanted to stay longer than 9 at the shop, but since I had my sis and mom waiting outside I had to leave. I'm so in love with the shop, oh and funny enough I always get lost in the back. Funny thing is that its just one strait line lol like a huge hallway. Oh and I was trying to take the tops off the inks and I spilt some on the WHITE counter lol, everyone was making fun of me lol. I got it cleaned up as much as possible but there is still some in the cracks. I quit because I didn't want to make anymore messes.

First day at work

I had a good first day at work. Started way to fucking early though lol, and what do I get for complaining that it was too early I get to go in at 7am tomorrow lol. Just my luck ha ha, I get off at 12pm and have to go to Odessa to the tattoo shop by 1pm. I'll be there till about 9 or 10 pm. I fixed my schedule to where I am able to only miss 2 full days of training and on the days I go to Odessa I'll only miss about an hour of training. I'll work about 31 hrs a week at Walmart because I want to spend as much time as possible at the tattoo shop. Trying to buy a little car from my dad's friend so I'll have some wheels to take me to work and training without having to have someone drive me around. Looks like its an easy enough job at Walmart. I know that I will be dog ass tired from working all morning and training at night, it is worth it all though. I'll fill you all in on how my second day at work goes and my first day as an apprentice goes. I love you all!!!

I love my tattoo family

Missed a call from the shop and the manager left me a funny ass message lol, they are fucking awesome. I have to go to Walmart tomorrow for the orientation and to setup my schedule, I have to make it to where I can make money but still have enough time to be at the tattoo shop most of the time. I also need to worry about buying a car. Ugh please let me get hit on by a rich as man who will promise me a car and money. Ha ha ha yeah like I'd really go for that. Its just going to take time to get it all together but once I do I'll be happily on my way to living the life I want. When I get on my own feet and start making the money tattoo artists make I am going to live by my own rules. I've always been told that isn't the way its done, well here is a big FUCK YOU to all those who told me that. Its not my fault you are to scared to chase your dreams, you gain nothing without risk.

I'm still a man

I may be single and happy that I now have a job and an apprenticeship but that doesn't mean I can't get super horny. Its been a LONG while since I last got laid and its killing me. I'm not one for casual hook ups or one night stands either or else I'd have already gotten laid. This is the shitty part about being single :( Just have to deal with it I guess, oh and if your wondering if I ever pleasure myself think again because I just don't find jacking off that great anymore ever since I left D. I miss cuddling and having that romance with someone, but can't find the strength to move past this pain and having to trust someone with my heart again. I don't know when I'll feel safe letting someone else into my life, I don't even think I'll bring that person around my family until they have proven themselves to be trustworthy to me. One little fuck up and they are out of my life for good, I don't have time for games.

Set up mobile blogging so i dont have to wait to get home anymore, so that means more posts yay!!!!

Figure out my schedule

So I have to figure out how I'm going to work while going to the tattoo shop. I know I want to devote most of my time at the shop, so I have to figure out what to tell Walmart. I know the manager said he wants me to work at least 4 days and 3 nights, but that was when I didn't have plans of being an apprentice. Maybe I can work part time like 7am to 12pm and apprentice at the shop from 1pm to 9pm or later. I know I will figure something out, just need to talk to walmart on tuesday when I go to orientation. Somehow I need to pay for the gas to get to Odessa and back.

I Motha Fucking Made It In

I was so nervous but as soon as I walked in the door I left it all behind. I passed the timed test with ease, but I didn't expect to. The second test was without a time limit, I had to draw a dragon. I hate drawing dragons, but I rocked it out. Took my time to finish, was there for about 3 hours. They loved my drawing but said that I need to work on my timing. I got accepted and I almost couldn't contain my happiness. I wanted to cry a few tears of happiness but didn't lol, I didn't want to look like a punk. I did this on my own, I didn't need a man by my side. I know I can achieve a lot more if I just put my mind to it. I love my family and friends for all the support that they have given me along the way. I know that I wouldn't have been able to achieve this apprenticeship if I was still with D, he always did find a way to bring me down. Not only did today prove that I don't need him in my life to be happy, but that I don't need any man in my life to be happy. I just have to have trust in my family and friends. More updates to come friends, I'll keep a constant update on my progress and I train to become a PROFESSIONAL TATTOO ARTIST!!!!!

Drawing Test

So I have to take a drawing test tomorrow and pass it in order for me to become an apprentice. I'm so nervous, hope I can live up the standards to pass. First test is 8 mins. long and the second isn't timed. I know I can do the second one for sure its the first one that is bothering me. I'm just not very creative I guess.

FINALLLLLLLLLLYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!

So I finally got an e-mail from the tattoo shop I've been wanting to apprentice for. Going to Odessa tomorrow with mom to talk to them. I'm fucking nervous and shitting bricks. What if they don't like me or decide to pass on helping me? I'm way more nervous than when I go in for a job interview. This is my passion in life and I guess I can't help but be nervous. Wish me luck world. Oh and on a side note, I've noticed that things are starting to look up in my life now that I'm done with D. Seems like its all falling into place, good karma I guess. I want to say that I deserve it because of all the love I gave out. The gods are giving back all the love I showered on D, wish it didn't have to be like this but it is so I'm just going to roll with it. Please let me land that apprenticeship.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

I was about to go to bed when I started listening to some of Fefe Dobson's music and I broke down and cried. I just want to know how the fuck someone can say that they love you and tell you that they want to spend the rest of their life with you and have it be nothing but a lie. I thought after so many years and times that we spent together that it would mean something. That is what proved he wasn't the one for me, the fact that he tries to say he only wanted me now that I'm not his. I'm not some toy you can decide to play with and toss aside when your bored and come back to me later. I never want to see him again. He ruined my belief in love and trust, he is the cause of all my pain right now. I wish I could say I hate him but I don't, I just wish I never have to see him again or even think of him again. I don't have anyone to cry on so I have to either hold back my tears and say I'm alright or cry alone like I am now. I've decided that after I get a car and a laptop along with a few thousand saved up, I'm out of this town and hopefully leaving his memory behind for good. I don't care where I go as long as I get to be me and live my dreams.

Fefe Dobson - Don't Let It Go To Your Head

I remember always listening to this while I was with him, right now I am so angry because I think about what we could have had and how he threw all that away. I know he tried to make up for it but it was to late, I wanted to believe he could make it all better by being around more, but there was already way to much damage done. His lies took over the relationship and made it impossible to love him again. I get so angry at times and I just want to cry from the pain he has caused me but I don't I just smile and think of something else. He will never know how much I wanted to be with him, he can say that he loves me and that he only wanted me but deep down he never loved me enough to just be with me. I was never enough, I wasn't good enough for him. I will be more than enough for someone some day. D was my all when I was with him, I held the love I had for him above anything else. So to know that it meant nothing to him as he went behind my back and talked to the entire world hurts me deeply. I remember falling in love with him when he was in college and working a loser job, I stuck by his side when he dropped out. I never cared about what he did for a living as long as I had him and he told me he loved me. Everything changed when he started making more money, he became a completely different person. He wasn't the sweet guy I once knew anymore, he only cared about money money money. Well now I hope his money is telling him " I love you" because I no longer will. It breaks my heart knowing that I gave everything I could to make him happy but he decided it wasn't good enough and started talking to other men. He could have at least had the balls to tell me he wasn't happy and that he wanted to see other people. He is a coward and not a real man, I see him in a completely different way now. I now see that we were never meant to be together forever because we are two different types of people. He needs someone who only thinks about making money and I need someone who values life, love and happiness over material things. D was only meant to be in my life to show me how to NOT love someone, I will take my experience with D and use it to love someone else truly UNCONDITIONALLY. I know I will be happy someday, and that helps me get up and face the days as they come.

Fefe Dobson - Ghost

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! This song make me want to sit D down and play this for him OVER and OVER.

Fefe Dobson - Stuttering

Love all her music, it really makes me look at life.

Fefe Dobson - Can't Breathe

I can't get this song out of my head. It rings through my brain day and night.

No bueno

My family is thinking about taking a trip to San Antonio and I can't go because I'm about to get two jobs. I really would love to go and just be happy with my family, but then again I want to make money. Sometimes you just have to do what you need in order to get what you want. I want to be financially independent so I've gotta put my mind in full work mode. One day I'll have the time and money to do what I want, when I want. I know that I'm going to help out my parents with what I can and the rest is going towards my phone bill which is only $45 and savings for a car. Going to push myself as hard as I can to achieve what I need in my life, no time for much fun right now. I have my family beside me so its okay, besides I pass the time by playing Black Ops with my brother and L.

Starting over is never easy

Finally had a talk with D, cleared out a lot of emotions I've wanted to express. I will always love him because he was in my life for 5 years, but I will never be in love with him anymore. I don't think about him or going back to him, at first I thought I was just in the moment and I would just run back to him again. Then after a few more days I finally realized that I'm over going back to him. I am still hurt and can't see myself trusting anyone anytime soon. I am moving on but at a slow pace. My life is finally mine to live with no one to tell me no or hold me back, its either go with my flow or get out of the way. The 5 years I spent with D have tought me how to not treat someone you love, I know that when I do fall in love again that whoever he is will be the luckiest man alive. My love is deep and never ending, but my forgiveness is limited.

Why take one when you can have 2?

I have two job interviews tomorrow, think I'm just going to take both jobs. Need money to buy a car and I'm not doing anything with my life right now. I don't date or even go out so its the perfect time to work two full time jobs. I want to buy another Cobalt, mine was an 05 and was my little baby. I want a Lancer but they are really pricy, especially the one that I want. Cobalts are cheap and great with gas, would love a sun roof but that can always be installed right. This time I'll go with a two door Cobalt instead of 4 door, because I don't have kids and don't plan on moving anytime soon. Wish me luck guys, really hope I land these two jobs.

One day at a time right

So I don't really know how long its been since I left D, but I'm glad I got myself out of that lie of a relationship. A side affect I knew I was going to have is that when I look at a cute man all I can think of is," I wonder if he has cheated?" I have completely lost trust in men, I have no desire to be with one. One day I will open my heart again.

Everyday

Everyday I wake up I look back on my life and see what I need to change in order to not have a tragic repeat. Working on getting a job still, my cousin M called me a few days ago and told me that his friend was going to try to help me out. I have to turn in the application but my brother is taking forever with the suburban. I think it pays $9 an hour but if its less I don't care, something is something. Going to stop tattooing for a while because I've run out of some supplies and I can't afford to buy more. It has put a little sad cloud over my tattooing dream but still not going to let it stop me.

Unfamiliar territory

It feels strange to be single and not have a guy, I'm so used to always having someone. I like this independence from it all, I can think clearly and not have to worry about someone else for a chance. I am currently looking for jobs, need some money. I have a new plan. 1. Get a job 2. get a car 3. get a laptop 4. SAVE SAVE SAVE 5. Try my hardest to get an apprenticeship in Midland or Odessa. 6. Either move away if I don't land an apprenticeship or find my own apt if I do get my own place. I will have to work really hard if I want all this, but since I'm the one who is the only one keeping me from starving and being a broke ass I am extremely motivated. Had to trim my goatee today so that I won't look like a crazy ass when I apply, hope it helps. Feels weird to have it short again, but its only hair so it can always be grown back. My brother wants me to help him with his business as a locksmith, I'm thinking about it but don't want to get stuck doing it. I don't see myself living in Midland or even Texas for the rest of my life. I plan to move away to a place where I can be me and not end up with a openly proud gay man and have a group of great friends. But I'd like to have the group of friends more than a man right now, need to get out of this house. I love them but sometimes I need someone else to kick it with. Then again, I hate to be broke and go anywhere. So until I find a job I'm stuck at home with my loving family. I want to go to the clubs but not here, to many hoes. Everyone fucks everyone here and that is some nasty shit. Really thinking about trying to save up for a cruise, think it would be a great adventure and add to my life. I'm sure I'd be able to make some great friends from around the country. To travel is my ultimate dream, I just want to see as much as possible while I can. I only have 1 life and I'm not going to waste it in this town dating a loser.

I'm a survivor

I am an adult and need to finally take charge in my life and cut out what isn't good for me anymore. With that said, I have broken it off with D completely. I have not shown any remorse for us splitting up, its done. I wish I could have said, " I still love him unconditionally and want him in my life". But I just can't because he hurt me bad and I don't ever see him changing his ways, that is not what I want in my life. I have bigger plans that just being a small time tattoo artist who is stuck in my home town. I am strong and very able to reach my dreams if I keep my focus up and don't let anything or anyone distract me. Have some good work lined up for this weekend, so hopefully I can get more and more clients in the chair. Still haven't gotten a call from the shop that is suppose to be opening up in Odessa, if they don't call then I'll just keep my head up and try another place. Sooner or later I will get something. I finally love myself enough to stand up and be happy, even if that means being single. Midland and Odessa don't have anything to offer me when it comes to men, they are all just whores that like to sleep around. Thinking about moving away soon, don't know where but anywhere but here.

newest tattoo i've done

New Tattoo done

I did a tattoo on a client today, he was so happy that he paid me more than I asked for. Looks like I have a client for life !!!!!! Working on getting the pics up on the computer so I'll post a pic up soon.

This Sucks

So I have been living at my mom's house since I left D, well when we got back together I refused to move back in with him. I just needed the time to deal with the hurt still but I also want him to work hard at showing me that he can be trusted once again. I do miss him and sleeping beside him every night, but at what cost. Certainly not at the cost of giving up who I am, why is it so hard to just be you with D. He has this thing where he feels like he needs to put on this "Macho strait guy" act when we are in public, yet as soon as we are in private or with MY family he flips and starts hugging on me and being really gay sometimes. It makes me so mad because I can't do that, I act the way I act regardless of who I am around. Just wish he would call me babe in public like I do him, or not act like I'm just a friend when other people are around. I gave him a taste of it in Balmorhea for the Memorial Day Dance and he didn't like it. Maybe I need to do the same here, then again by not seeing him everyday or even talking to him everyday makes me want to hold him and kiss him more. I wish I knew what to do but I don't have the answers. Really need a fairy god mother right now. Guess only time can tell on this one. Going to just take it day by day, if he really wants to be with me then he will make the effort to come see me when he can or call me when he can because I'm not going to do the chasing he is.

Its Different now

So ever since we got back together its been hard to not want to go through D's phone or his emails but I don't. I want to trust him but everytime I see him pick up his phone or jump on his laptop my stomach tightens and my mind starts racing thinking about what he's doing. I still don't think I can trust him with my heart, which is why I'm not going to move in with him for a while. I don't like not being by his side to watch over him and constantly remind him that he is in a relationship so that he doesn't run off on me again. Another thing that bothers me is that I have ONE rainbow shirt that says " We Are Everywhere" and D hates for me to wear it in public. I am not scared to be seen with this shirt on, because I am a very proud gay man. Its not like I'm runing up to people telling each and everyone of them that I'm gay, I just want to wear my pride. I don't see how it differs from people wearing things about themselves like bumper stickers or shirts saying who you voted for or what nationality your are. D hates this shirt and refused to go out in public with me so i simply said " well take me home then so you can go grocery shopping". I'm not going to change who I am anymore for him, either accept it all or lose it all. Not playing games anymore. I never tell him what to wear or how to wear it, I have always accepted him how he is so why can't he do the same. So from now on I'm just going to keep my distance from him and only see him every now and then, hopefully he will grow up and stop thinking about what everyone thinks and just be happy in his OWN life. I don't have time to debate on a shirt, its my body and I'll do whatever I see fit with it. I wish he would love me unconditionally and stop thinking about the world when we step out of the door. He is with me not them. If you have any insight on this matter please feel free to right me, I always welcome advise.