it took this long huh?

I can't get over how much I miss D, I feel like crying on someone's shoulder but I can't because I have nobody. I don't have any friends to turn to because I don't have any that are close to me like that. I'm alone in life right now, I'm tired of this feeling. I remember how I would cry on D's shoulder or in his arms when I first heard that my mom's cancer was back. It didn't matter what time it was, he would hold me and not let go till I was done. I felt safe with him, I just want that feeling back. I could tell him anything, fuck I miss him.

no phone till payday

So I may have given my phone a love tap that was to hard and cracked the screen, now I have to wait till I get paid on Friday to get a new one FML right lol. I told N and well he kinda freaked out on me, basically made it seem like I'm some violent monster who beats people. I'm not perfect nor have I ever claimed to be perfect, I made a mistake and I'm the one who has to pay for it not him or anyone else so why does he have to insist that I'm one step away from doing a killing spree. He keeps saying that he sees a lot of red flags already, well I see a lot more. He has no time for me because of his busy life, he might move away when he lands a job out of city or state, feels like everytime we are able to be together its just a sexual attraction. He says that he can't give me 100% of himself because he might move away and his busy life, so now I find myself asking myself if I want to wait to be dumped. I thought I finally found a great guy but like always its to good to be true. I have already told myself that it might work out in time, so that's what I'm giving it. If something else arises I'm just going to end it, I don't want to be in a relationship that's full of problems. I also remembered that it was D's bday a few days ago, having problems with N and D's birthday has gotten me into a sad mood. I still miss him, it doesn't help that everytime a relationship doesn't work out I think about him more and more. I can't replace him with anyone else, but he doesn't want me so what am I to do? It also sucks because we've spent xmas together for the past 5 years, I hate to decorate but I miss watching him decorate and force me to help him. I don't know if he reads my blog anymore.