Meaningless

My life feels so meaningless right now, I don't have a job even though I have been trying to land something since last year. This is not a great way to start the new year, I just know that if I can get enough money together to get some great tattoo equipment the rest will fall into place. It can really open up doors for me but in order to do all that I have to acquire a job and get some money. I want to ask D to buy the stuff for me but he will never do that because he doesn't trust me. I just can't get a break anywhere, man I just feel so damn helpless. I feel as though D would rather spend every cent he has on his family that he hardly ever sees than help me out. It has always been like this, I want to rely on him but I can't. He tells me that I am making my way here at the apt because I don't have a job I'm suppose to have everything clean. Just because I don't have some GM job at some burger flipping place doesn't mean I have to clean your crap up every second of my life. If this was truly a "partnership" he would see that I need help getting my tattooing career off the ground and give me the help I need instead of always telling me that if I had a job i could pay for it myself. I'm trying but some days just don't feel worth getting out of bed to hear that I'm not cleaning enough or that I don't cook enough or just that I'm not good enough. Makes the razor blade more and more tempting to me, just to feel that instant relief from all this crap. No more worrying about him coming home and pointing out that I didn't do this and that, no more restless nights thinking about how my mother feels, no more worrying about anything in this life. If I could have three wishes I'd wish for a happy healthy family, have a tattoo shop of my own, and not have someone constantly telling me that what I do isn't good enough. I am who I am, so if you are reading this just make up your mind already. Either accept me for who and how I am or ask me to leave, I know you know I have always accepted how you are without hesitation. Guess I'm just tired of waking up and my first thoughts are "what is he going to complain about now?" or "what are we going to fight about now?"

Hoping to land a job soon

So I had a job interview on Thursday and I am keeping my fingers crossed about getting it. I like the details about the job functions and what I would be doing, there are some opportunities to advance in the company so I like that. The pay is good enough to fund my tattoo gear and pay some pretty good bills that need paying. I know I will have to catch up on my car payments and also get my phone bill paid off so I can turn it back on and have an actual phone instead of this crummy prepaid cell phone. I'm not going to get my hopes up for nothing but I can still have some optimism about it. I need something really bad so lets hope this works out for me.

WTF

So I get home from an interview and D asks me how it went, so I simply replied " it went fine." Then he stares at me for almost a minute until I ask him, "are you okay babe?" and he said "no nothing is wrong." so I leave to start making us some food to eat. Well he has the radio on and starts looking at some videos so he mutes it for a good 10 minutes. I take that as a cue that I can use it, so I get to the radio and he raises his voice at me telling me that he is still using it and is going to use it after he watches his videos. I said okay and went to get my mp3 player and listen to it while I cook and put up some laundry. When I started getting the laundry ready to put up he comes into the room and closes the door and asks me why I was ignoring him since I got home. I was so lost because I asked him if anything was wrong with him earlier and he said nothing and now he is complaining that I am ignoring him. Well we started arguing about everything and he starts telling me that I don't clean like he wants basically and telling me that if I wasn't going to work I have to clean the apt for him. Basically telling me that if I don't make money I have to be his Bitch. I hate that he acts like this but I just suck up his mean words because I can't afford to stand up to him and be kicked out. My mothers house is the only place I have to go. I love him but can't take being talked down to, I won't deny that I can't clean like he likes because I'm not him. I try my hardest to look for job, shit I just came from an interview before he started fighting with me. He gets me to the point where I just want to break something and yell at the top of my lungs, then when I do he always makes me feel worse and like shit. I hate taking it but what can I do, I just hope that when I get a job he will back off and finally just let us be happy. If it doesn't change I fear that we will leave each other again, he already says that I act like I don't live there like he wants me to say "yes I want to leave." I want to stay with him, but he needs to back off me and stop putting me down so much. I know what to do just hate the consequences of it all. I just wish we could be in the same room and not fight.

Homemaker

So D gave me a choice, he said I can become a complete house husband and not have to find a job anymore or find a job. Well I like the idea of staying at home and making it nice and comfy for him when he comes home from work, but I don't know if its for me. I started sending out applications and resumes and well I got an immediate call back from one place today. It is a drug screening job that is based in Odessa, TX but the position I applied for is in Midland, TX where I drive around and test people. I don't know all the details about this job but it seems fun because I will get a company vehicle to drive around all day and collect pp from random strangers ha ha. I have to go to their office tomorrow at 1:30pm so I hope D has time to take me.

Showcasing my work that I have done so far.

So I decided to post my art work that I have done so far, I am putting together a portfolio to show off to future tattoo artists for an apprenticeship. I hope whoever looks at my blog enjoys my drawings :)

Complicated

Lately I have been listening to Rihanna's song Complicated, it makes me think about my relationship with Daniel. She really hit the nail on the head with this one song lol :) Its so complicated between Daniel and me because of all the stuff we have put each other through but we both can't ever find the strength to leave each other. I love him more than any other man I have ever loved, hope he is really the one for me. I don't think I would want to live without him even if he is complicated :)

Wood burning

I used to do this as a hobby and to make a little extra money during the holidays and football season. Hmm I just might pick it back up again!!

Constant Reminder

I often look at tattoo machine kits to help remind me that I have a goal and need to do what I can to reach it.

What keeps me alive?

I live to keep my mother and father's blood alive, I live on to make them proud and not regret anything. I know my mother is going through a hard time right now and my father does not say what is hurting him the most. I get more out of those awkward silences than I could from their actual words, I can only imagine what they are feeling let alone thinking. I see that my mother is tired of fighting so long and having to be the strength of our family all the time, I see that my father sometimes hides behind his beer bottle because he is the second rock that holds the family together. I don't know what I would do if either of them were to leave me alone in this world. I hate to think about the worst case scenario but I can't help it, every time I see them I want to tell them I love them and that I want to know how they feel but I don't because I see how hard they work at keeping it hidden from my niece and siblings. Sometimes I just want to cry non stop and just break down and just give up, I don't know what i can do to help them other than just stand on the sidelines and pray for them. I know we are not the typical family where I can just cry on their shoulder about this, I just can't even though that is what I want to do. I remember having some special times with my dad when I was growing up, I remember we would talk some late nights and just be completely serious and sometimes cry together. I remember feeling like I could tell my father anything and everything. Another thing I never thought about was how hard it was to leave my mother when I left to live in Dallas, TX. I remember being completely fine the days before I left, but when I hugged her in those final moments before I set off I just didn't want to let go of her. I remember trying to not forget her perfume and trying to burn her eyes into my memory so I could always have them with me wherever I went. I thought to myself, "if it hurts this much to let go when I am moving to another town, how in the hell am I going to survive when she is gone for good?" I hope that day does not come soon. I will chant and pray my ass off for that day to be in the far far future, I want her to see my nieces grow up and see me finally get married to the man I am suppose to be with. I don't want to go to my parents house and only be able to say hi to only one parent. I love you mom and dad!!! With all the power I have within my body and soul I will give it my all to make it all okay, I promise!!!!

Swallow Tattoos

I have been noticing that a lot of people have been sporting swallow tattoos, I like seeing that they are becoming so beautifully artistic. I just don't know if most people know the back round of the swallow, so I looked it up and came up with some interesting facts about the pretty little bird. Before their widespread tattoo spree they started on a ship called "The Swallow" with a few bad sailors. There were seven sailors that were going to commit a mutiny on the ship and the only way they could identify themselves from the rest of them was from their swallow tattoos on their chests. After that it evolved into something completely different, sailors who would go on long voyages that made it to 5,000 Nautical Miles would get one swallow on their chest and after another 5,000 Nautical Miles they would generally get one on the opposite side of their chest. If they choose to get more swallows after another 5,000 Nautical Miles that was their choice, also the sailors believed that if they were to fall overboard and drown that the swallow tattoos would carry their souls up to heaven.

They represent love, care, and affection towards family and friends showing the loyalty of the person always returning home. These days the swallow tattoo can have many more meanings that only the bearer can say, thanks to the internet the swallow tattoo has become one of the most popular tattoos.

In some parts of the world if you get a swallow tattoo on your fist is symbolizes that you are indeed a great fighter. I'm not sure if I will get a swallow tattoo but who knows, might immortalize my mother in a swallow tattoo. ;)

Dance Central

I had so much fun with my sister yesterday playing Dance Central, she has played it a little more than me so she obviously beat me more. I like the songs they have, some old school and some hard ones lol. I want to unlock everything, Hmm wonder how long that would take to complete the game. I am trying to get my babe to plat but he doesn't want to :( One of these days he will play!!

Stuck in a Rut

I feel like I am stuck in a small rut, I just don't feel like drawing lately. I still have the passion inside of me but just can't seem to get it out on paper. I feel as though I have all the energy taken out of me, I can't find a job and that is taking a lot out of me because if I can't find a job then I can't get the money I need to pay for machines or inks. I guess I need to just draw my frustrations out and put more focus on finding ANY job that will help me get somewhere.

Ships of the Tattoo World

First up on my list of tattoos are the mystical and very classic ship tattoo. I am not to sure if I will ever be getting one of these tattoos frankly because I am not into the ocean nor have I ever been on the ocean/sea before. On the other hand I would love to work on my ship drawings especially old time wooden ships like pirate ships, this comes from my anime addiction. I have recently been watching One Piece and its about a young boy names Money D. Luffy who's goal is to be the King of the Pirates, he and his small but strong crew travel the rough pirate and marine infested oceans and seas on a very interesting pirate ship. The ship itself is not very detailed like the tattoos you would see on Marines or Sea going people, but it has been enough of an inspiration to make me want to work on my drawings. I have seen pirate ships, battle ships, yachts, and sail boats...I'd have to say that the pirate ships and Haunted ships catch my attention more mainly because I like the darker side of the history of ships. I also want to mention another anime "Soul Eater" where they mention the Black Dragon Nidhogg, I like how they incorporate this Norse dragon into being a haunted demon ship that takes souls of the people it encounters. I also like the story of The Flying Dutchman and many other Haunted ships. Not to forget the pirate ships that are famous through our history like Queen Anne's Revenge which was captained by the famous Blackbeard and the ship of Calico Jack the great The William.

The Flying Dutchman

Going Mary from One Piece

Nidhogg from Soul Eater

Queen Anne's Revenge

The William