Merry X-mas

I had a wonderful time spending X-mas with my family. I am glad that the whole family is here, my two older brothers and sister and finally back together under one roof along with their own families. I loved playing Loteria with them and taking my sister's money lol. I do miss D and am kinda hurt that he didn't stay with me, I am feeling really sad and low right now. I figured that he would have at least called me more or even just stayed with me. I just feel like shit right now, and very lonely. Just feel like going home and crying myself to sleep, don't know if I have ever felt let down like this in a long time. Just want to go home and forget the bad part of the day, I don't know if D can make up for this ever. Honestly I feel like the only thing I can do right now to make myself feel better is to just cut the pain away.

yay, what a successful party it was

We just got back from Daniel's X-mas party at his job, I think it was a good turn out. Not a lot of employees from the day crew came to it but I liked all the food that they had. The brisket was perfectly cooked and the ham was so damn moist and delicious, I helped him pass out the x-mas presents. Even though I didn't get a thing I am glad that we got to show his employees that we care and taht we can give back to them for being such great and hard workers. The clean up was not hard well because I didn't do any of it ha ha ha. Can't wait till the next one, going to make it even better for him, and all the hard working employees that help keep his checks rolling in. Merry X-mas Babe!!!

X-mas

So I am going to miss D this X-mas, because he is going to be spending this years X-mas with his family. I'm not saying that he should not spend it with them its just that we always switch every year and we spent it with them last year and almost died in the process of getting there. I thought it was my families turn this year, guess not since he told me he might not come back till the day after X-mas. So I don't get to see him X-mas eve or even X-mas day, which is going to suck a lot. I suppose he deserves to be where he wants because he is a grown man, and I did leave to Dallas for a week and we were broken up for 2 weeks. I am saddened but whatever happens happens I suppose.

Bro

So I heard from my sister today that my aunt B took my brother C's ex boss to his apt in San Antonio and they took his Jeep. My brother just welcomed his baby girl into this world on 12-11-2010 and now they take his only means on transportation around San Antonio and not to mention he used that for work. I really can't believe that my fucked up aunt would stoop so low as to do that to him all because he didn't have enough money to bring back your fucking trailer that you don't even FUCKING use you dumb chain smoking, beer chugging, life ruining, desperate to stay in the light by fucking up other peoples lives SOB. I know that if I were to run into you somewhere I will act as though you are dead. I would also like to point out to the world that you are always suppose to have your family's back and take into notice that your nephew just had a kid and didn't have a way to return your FUCKING trailer you selfish old dried up fucking prune. You act as though your whole fucking life would be ruined if you did not get your trailer back. Glad that this whole ordeal has a golden light at the end of the tunnel, because I get to have my brother and his new little family here for X-mas.

I'm Back

So I moved back to Midland to be closer to my family and well D of course, I didn't realize how much I would miss him when I left to Dallas. He sent me money to get back to him, it shows that he really does love me. I am grateful to have him in my life and I am going to work on keeping him in my life. I will hopefully find a job soon, I had an over the phone interview with At&T the other day. So I am keeping my head held high.

Curse their blood

For each wrong you've done may the pain come,
for this disgrace you have shown upon your blood,
I curse your family to a life of nothingness,
I call the triple goddess to my side to help me in this matter,
take their love and happiness from their hearts,
I bring the horned god to my sight,
reign down upon their lives bringing pain and suffering,
I give you the power to sever the ties that bond us by blood,
no more will I call you apart of me,
Take this curse with all my anger....the spirits of the past will haunt your soul,
I give my blood to stain yours,
I make it thee,
So mote it be.

Not doing the best I thought I could

So its been a few days since I moved to Dallas with my friend A, I have not found a job yet and its kinda wearing me down. I don't have any idea where I am at because these roads are so damn confusing to me, hate feeling lost. Yes I will also admit that I am getting very homesick and have even started thinking that I made a huge mistake by leaving D, but I already made that decision and in doing so I hurt him. I just have to suck it up I suppose and just try to make it work out for the best. I want to be successful in life, but feel lonely without D by my side. I screwed up that relationship and I don't think I will ever get it back. Yes there were a lot of problems between us that needed to seriously be resolved, and I don't like being confined to such a over ruled life. I just wanted a simple little life with him, maybe have 2 or 3 good friends that we could hang around with and maybe go have dinner with or invite over for dinner and a movie or a game of Smartass. I know I have responsibilities like a car payment and some other bills like cell phone and internet to pay, but I have always had my own way of doing things. I know  I would have gotten a job soon and would have started making my tattoo work shine bright. I will take the blame for ending the relationship and breaking his heart, I have no shame in that. With that said though, a relationship is a PARTNERSHIP and not suppose to be where one fallows the other one around like a lost little puppy dog. I know in my heart that if D would have just cared more about what was going on in the inside of me rather than the part of me not having a job I would have stayed. Even now my family is showing him support for his grandfather, even my friend that he hates is showing him support. I wish he would have given me even a little bit of that attention when I was with him, I felt so alone when I stood next to him. He used to make me feel so happy and proud to tell everyone that I had him as my man, I remember starting every conversation with a new friend that included him in it. I was always telling them I was happily taken and had no interest in anyone else. Why couldn't you show me some damn love and support D? I was right there and you just stood silent and just watched me cry my eyes out in front of you. I needed your strength to help keep me up, and yet you refused to give it to me, why D? Why did you just try to run my life without ever trying to get involved. I gave you my heart and my full attention, I knew and cared about everything that ever happened in your life, I had big plans for our life. I noticed that you only showed me affection when it was convenient to you, I hate how you always seem to try and change right when I am leaving. Well if you would have just cared for me like I care for you in the first place like you should have done, I wouldn't be in Dallas with A and missing you and K so much that it makes me want to cry. I think of you a lot. I don't know if your family hates me again, or if you even want to talk to me. I just want you to know that if you open your heart to someone who has already given you theirs, then you will truly be happy instead of always fighting. You have a mouth for a reason, use it to tell the ones you love that you care for them and love them with everything you have. I miss being by your side. Right now I wish I could just close my eyes and make everything better, but I can't. I want to make mom better and live a happy life with the one I love by my side, but I suppose its not that easy huh. If you do read this, then I don't care if you want to bitch me out or tell me that I am a no good waste of time. Then do so without any regrets, just let me know how you feel because that is what I have been asking for this whole time we have known each other. I will say this, I love you and always will. Even when I am living in a different town, thank you for everything you have ever given me or shown me in the amount of time we have spent together.

Made it here

So I survived my first day in Dallas, I hope I can land a job soon so I can finally pay my car bill and my other bills as well. Going to look into what I can hopefully get into. Want a great job so I can pay bills and not be broke. Here is for hoping for a better tomorrow and better future.

Well tomorrow is the day

Going to be saying goodbye to my family tonight and leaving tomorrow at 9 am. Wonder if anyone believes I can make it in Dallas, if nobody believes I suppose I will just have to believe enough for everyone. I am sad because I might have to miss xmas with my family this year because I might not have enough money to get back down here and back to Dallas.

End of the Week

I am leaving this week on Friday or Saturday morning, some of my family is not happy about my decision but I just have to keep my head up and try to live my life. I just want my life to come together and just include my family, my friends, and my career (tattooing).

Almost Ready

So I finally got my tire fixed and my oil changed with a fresh new oil filter, I am almost ready to move. I just need to sell my camcorder and say goodbye to my family and hope that I don't get lost on my way. Looking forward to seeing the big bright lights of Dallas my new home, but I am hoping to still have some money to travel back to Midland for X-mas with my mother and family. I like sleeping on the couch at my mom's lol, very peaceful and warm unlike D's apt. Was always so cold and blah there, would have killed to leave the freaking Heater on there. Hmm I wonder if A wouldn't mind keeping the heater on a low setting to keep it warm there. I applied at the ZOO lol, hope I get the job. Everyone wish me luck.

Dallas

So since last time I was on here, I was in a relationship with D and was living with him and K. Now I am living with my mom as of 20 mins. ago. When I get enough money to fix the car for good and then I'm on my way to Dallas to live with my bestie A. Hope I find what I am looking for down there, which is a job and my tattoo career.

Drawings

So I am an aspiring tattoo artist and so far I have made a portfolio of what I can do so far, take in mind that I am not claiming to be a pro at drawing. I want to start an apprenticeship at a great tattoo shop where I can learn the business and get hands on techniques on drawing. I want to be a great tattoo artist.

I'm Done!!

I'm so done with X-mas shopping, now I don't have to worry about forgetting to get someone. I still wonder if D is going to get me that tattoo machine kit I want, so I can get started on my tattooing. I know what my first tattoo is going to be, I am going to ask my mother to write "I Love You Son, Mom" on a piece of paper and then transfer that onto my skin to keep forever because my time with mom is getting shorter and shorter. I am going to miss D if he goes to Balmorhea for Thanksgiving and X-mas, wish he would just stay with me in town and just call his family. I want him by my side at all times and to spend time with mom on her B-day.

Baby

On another note, my brother C is going to be having a baby girl soon. I really hope that she is born on my mothers birthday, that would be special. Ugh I don't know why I am not a kid person but when I see my nephew Johnny I just get all crazy and wanna hug him and go run around with him. I have no idea why but I just connect with him more than I do with any of my other nephews and niece. I always feel like since my brother was never really there for him that I have to be. I know that if I had the money I would COMPLETELY spoil him and his brothers, his mother V is a great friend of mine as well. Awww now I miss him, can't wait till he starts talking more and gets older.

Car

I got back my car but it might only be temporary because my brother C might take it to San Antonio to use it because he has to turn in his Jeep because its too expensive and he has a baby on the way. I really wish I could still have my car but I have to come to terms that I can't pay it and my brother can so I don't want to loose the car to the bank as a repo. I think he is planning on saving to get his own vehicle later on an returning the car to me, it will be paid off in another year and I really want to pay it off and keep it for myself so that I can have a car and won't have a car bill just insurance. I don't know, hopefully it all works out.

Still Looking For a Job

Oh man Oh man, I need a job big time. I wanna buy so many things when I go to the store or to the mall and be able to pay for x-mas presents and my mothers b-day gifts too. Someone help me ugh!!

Really Need a J O B

Okay its been two months since I quit my last job and now its really taking a toll on my life. I need to find something fast and soon, i plan to only be employed for the holidays just to pay for presents and to buy my tattoo gear and needles. Maybe I will keep it longer if its a great job, just in case my tattooing doesn't take off like I want it to. Planning on doing some online hiring tonight and some more in the morning after I do some cleaning. D doesn't go to work till 5 pm so hopefully we don't fight before he goes to work, plan on using his truck to go visit my mother. I miss her a lot, hope to never wake up and not be able to see her face. it makes me tear up when I think about her not going to be there one day. I wonder if i have made her proud of me. Truthfully this is not the life I wanted nor the man I saw myself ending up with, but I'm still young right. I think I have more growing up to do and one day I will see that D is either the ONE or NOT the one for me. We have known each other on and off for the past 4 1/2 years, a few more years might be just what I need to let me know if he is the one or not. Feeling kinda like a failure everyday and well D doesn't make it any easier, he makes it worse because he always belittles me and I have to constantly take it from him without saying what I really feel inside because I fear that if I do he will tell me to get my things and get out. I have nowhere I can go right now, my mothers house is full not to mention there is no such thing as privacy there. I don't have any friends to help me out for a bit, I have no job to pay for my own apt or get a roommate to stay with. Right now all I can do is just grin and bare with it. I am a strong man and I just feel weak and alone with out a solid job and good friends to remind me that I am great and I don't need a man to be safe and be alive.

Obsessed

D and K are so obsessed about the scores in football its kinda driving me crazy. At first it was okay because it wasn't that annoying but now I wanna cut off the internet because D will not step away from the comp to be with me and K is so hooked on the scores as well that she paid more attention to the football blog that she completely ignored the movie we were watching. I wonder if they ever think I am obsessed with anything, I doubt it because I am very good at balancing out my stuff. I like to draw but I am able to stay in the loop if we are all watching a movie or talking. Well thank goodness that it is almost over for a good while. Oh and now onto another topic, my car is being traded between my family like every week it seems. My bro R tool over payments but he lost his job and has not payed the bill now it is two months late and now my bro C wants to take over payments and take it to San Antonio. I need the car as well but don't have the money to pay for it, but D told me that if my bro can't make the payments then I should just take it for myself again and use it to get around and it will help me find a job. I don't want to take it back if my brother needs it but I can't keep putting myself last if I need something as well. If I do get the car back, it will be nice to be able to get around. I'm sure that it will not have insurance on top of not being current with the payments. We will see what happens. Also on another note, I had to take Dixie to the pound because she was not working out in our apt. She was tearing up our carpet and also starting to chew on our couches and constantly barking while she was on our balcony. I don't know if she has been adopted out or been put down, I tried to place her in a shelter instead of the pound but they all turned me down. I had no other choice because nobody would take her in and I could not keep her anymore because if the apt manager found out she was here while we had Ramon they would charge us $50 and then $25 a day for everyday she was here. I feel bad for my brother but I know what its like. There will never be any replacement in the future but I'm sure his heart will heal.

Dixie

I feel bad because I had to take Dixie to the pound today, she was just to much to handle because she was so active and needy. I tried really hard to find her a nice dog shelter that would not kill her but I had no luck. I regret taking her there but I had no other choice besides we were going to have to pay another pet deposit of $450 and we did not have the money.

Dixie

So my brother finally moved all his stuff to his new apt and he had to leave behind one of his wonderful dogs, her name is Dixie. If I have never mentioned before but I once had the best dog on the world named Diamond and Dixie is the spitting image of her. Yeah she does have white fur as well as black but her shape and personality is almost a perfect twin of my sweet Diamond. Well we have Ramon and he has been acting crazy as of late, like pissing on our clothing and bedding. We have always given him as much attention as we always have. We are going to make a tough decision to ask our apts to possibly switch Ramon out for Dixie. D is starting to really have bad reactions toward Ramon also, so I believe its best to find Ramon a new home. Besides we have always been dog people. Now we have Doofy, Nacho, and now Dixie. I hope someone isn't going to tell me about any other dogs that are cute. Ugh I just can't say no sometimes. Well I'll let you guys know if we are allowed to switch the cat out for the doggy. Sorry Ramon but you gotta go.

When

I miss my mother, even though I don't live very far from her I hardly ever see her. I miss seeing her face, especially when she smiles and we share a joke or two. I will miss those times when she is gone, I want so many more memories but there isn't anything I can do about it. I wish I could stop time and spend a whole day with her. I would never let go of her hand, if she leaves me who will I make a cake for on Thanksgiving Day or give a card to on Mothers Day. Its not fair that she has to leave me, Its just not fair. Its selfish for her to just start leaving me, without even trying to spend time with me. Doesn't she want to spend time with me with all of her family right now, but instead she spends most of her time with another family tacking care of someone else. It hurts so much, I just want to trade my life for hers. If you ever read this mom, Please don't leave me. If you have to leave then promise you will say goodbye

A bust

Aww our Halloween Party is going to be a complete bust, I invited my family and D's family to come but D's family besides K that already lives here didn't show up. Its okay though and some of my family isn't going to come either. I wanted my mother to come but she said she was going to have to work all night, that sucks but I just want her to be happy.

Its been a while

Yeah so it has been a few days since I have posted up anything, So the Family Halloween Party  is tomorrow night at 7 I believe. We have been kind of broke lately because of the move into the apt and having to deal with all the new bills and apt fees like the cat fee and ect. So I am going to be a pirate for Halloween and D is going to be Cesar. I have no idea what K is going to be though, I told her to be Kim Kardasian by stuffing her ass and boobs a lot and wear a skank dress. I hope my mother and father come to the party, they never went to our last apt.

Balmorhea

Here in Balmorhea watching some tv with my in-laws, going to El Paso in the AM so happy to be going to the Zoo. This family is so fun because they are loud and just completely different than my family. I may not be able to always understand them when I am around them but I feel apart of them.

Going to El Paso, TX

Okay so we are about to go to El Paso, Tx this weekend for our nieces 14th birthday. Wow I can still see her as a little girl that would help me take care of her sisters when I used to live with them in Az. Today we are just going to travel to Balmorhea and stay the night there at D's mom's house and then go to El Paso in the morning...like 6am Ugh but its okay. I have not been to El Paso in forever, I think the last time was when my grandmother died. I really want to go to the Zoo ha ha ha, I totally want to see some animals. I'm going to have to talk D into taking me, hopefully its just me and him because I want some alone time with him but knowing him he is going to wanna take his nephews and nieces along and I'll be stuck baby sitting like always. Its not that I don't like the kids its just that well I'm not a child person. I guess it has to do with me having to share D with anyone else, I can't help it I'm selfish. I want all his attention on me because I want to memories to look back on when we grow older. I'm going to take some pics and videos of the trip and hopefully of the ZOO ha ha, so I'll post a few. Well I've gotta get the stuff ready to load up in the truck.

Willow Smith

Okay this lil one is a star already and she is going to be a bigger star in time, if you haven't heard her song 'Whip My Hair' then you need to. The video is so good too. She may be 9 but honey she rocks that hair and has a great voice. I'm rooting for her to beat that lesbian Justin B.

hahaha

Okay I applied at Big 5 for the manager position and well here is how it went. They liked my job history and then he asked me if I was willing to relocate. The way that they do it is they train you in a manager position and ship you off to work in another town, he said it might be somewhere in Cali. Okay I'm not going to lie, it sounds great to be able to move to a new town and experience new things. Now I'm in a LTR and well I can't just leave my family behind especially my mother, and my new cute little apt family of me and D and K and don't forget Ramon (D's cat). I want to be a tattoo artist and that's what made me think about considering taking the offer of managing a store in Cali. oh well there is always going to be another opportunity right. I hope so!! Well that's how that went at Big 5.

Gay movies that I love

Okay I have already stated that I love Netflix, but I love netflix on the Wii because of all the gay themed movies I can watch. Right now D and me are watching The Brokenhearts Club, but some of my other favorite movies are: To Wong Foo thanks for Everything from Julie Newmar, Rocky Horror Picture Show, Connie & Carla, Its a Boy Girl Thing, TransAmerica, Queens and so on and so on. I wish D would just fucking get over his insecurities and just let us have some fucking friends for once. I wanna have some friends over for dinner and a movie or just have a small get together on the weekend. I'm tired of sitting at home all alone with nobody to talk to, I'd like to be able to get out of the house and hang out while D is at work and have him meet up with us after work. But until he realizes that I'm not going anywhere with anybody even if they are hotter or nicer than D, I just want us to have a healthy relationship that includes friends that we can talk to when we are mad at each other or have great conversations about funny shit that has happened to us or just about anything. Man oh man I have gotten so fucking lonely since I gave up having friends in order to have a life with D, sometimes it doesn't seem worth it anymore but I always seem to just move on.

I am going to start applying at places to get a job UGH

So things are not working out how I planned them to be, but its okay right? I mean I do have a roof over my head and food in the fridge. I just have to work harder to get what I need, maybe a good paying job is what I need to get myself started on what I need to start what I truly want for myself. Well here goes nothing.

Netflix

I like that we have netflix because well its great that we get to watch a whole variety of movies that we would never have known about. Right now we are watching a funny but very strange movie about the mob, its got a gay twist to it. I'm so ready for Halloween this year, we are having a party to celebrate our new apt.

Sunday Sunday Sunday

Its Sunday everyone and well its a great day to be alive like any other day I suppose. I started my day out with watching Kloe and Courtney take Miami with K, I had no idea that it was such an addicting show. Well this weekend we are going to be going to El Paso for my nieces 14th birthday, wow just another year and we will be throwing her a quince. I feel like I might be apart of the family more and more now, before I would just sit there and they would talk spanish and I would just stare into nothingness while they talked. Now they include me in the conversations and they don't make a fuss about translating for me as if they had been doing it their whole lives for me. Plus when we already have some history between us, I have known his family for about four years now. They are so close with each other, they are almost the complete opposite of my family. They are SUPER loud but care for each other in a special way that makes me wish my family was closer like them, don't get me wrong okay I love my family but they are not that close. My second eldest brother moved out of the house when he was 16 and we hardly ever talk to him. my oldest brother is around now but he comes and goes like no ones business, now my sister is a very different story. She is great, and I'm glad she is there with my mom right now. I live on the other side of town and don't have a vehicle to be getting around to see her everyday. Hopefully that will all change soon when I get my tattoo guns and supplies, I'll be a tattoo guy and be able to afford what I need to succeed in life.

Okay its been three days

So in the beginning of the year like Feb. I got a car and up until July I was able to make the payments, now that I have no job I can't make the payments anymore so my oldest brother R has taken over payments. So the payment on the car is $300 every 13th of every month for the next two years, well his first payment he was 13 days late. Now he is late again and I'm afraid that its going to mess up my credit a lot, I made him sign a contract saying that if he isn't able to make the payments I will make them for him and until he pays me back I will have custody of the car. Now I talked to my sis and she made it seem like I was being a bad guy for wanting to do that in order to protect my credit. My mother on the other hand told me to do what I need to do, I love my brother but honestly he isn't the most reliable guy in the world. I'm glad i made him sign a contract even though he is blood because he isn't concerned with my credit just the hood rats he sleeps with. If anyone is reading this can you please give me your insight to this topic. How do I deal with getting my brother to pay up with out fucking up our brotherly bonds?

10- 13-2010

Hello everyone,


Today was a great day even though they cut off our hot water from 9Am to 6PM, I woke up feeling great. K was watching The Kardasians on the Wii so I sat down and we watched a few episodes of that then we started watching Heroes. Man that is a great show, K and I have really gotten into it a lot. We are almost done with the third season and only have one more season left. I love having Netflix on our Wii because we don't have cable. K is addicted to Teen Mom and Sixteen and Pregnant and I'm so wonderfully addicted to Glee so we always go to my mothers house with K and we watch our shows with my family. My sis E likes all the shows K and I like so it makes for great company and conversation. I like that K is spending every Tuesday with me and my family, feels like we are really bonding.

10-11-2010

So last time I wrote it was midnight. Today was an eventful day, D and I started early today. Well I should explain that early to me is 11:00 AM and early to D is 9:00AM. We wanted to get all of our laundry done today because we didn't realize that we have a lot of clothes and we only wear half of them, well yeah we forgot that we needed to clean and hand in the keys to the old apt. so we just got dressed because the hot water was off for some reason. I think they were fixing on the pipes or something, well I was super hungry and didn't want to be awake till 2:00 PM, sure as hell didn't want to be cleaning a run down apt. that I hated living in. Then to top it off I remembered that D was off today and yeah we always fight on his days off, its just something that happens. Okay lets get back to the topic ha ha ha, so yeah there was a lot to clean in the apt. but we finally got it done today. We loaded up the last of all our stuff and handed in our keys to the apt. manager and drove off, then headed to my parents house to drop off my daddies bar-b-q pit that he had lent to us and drop off some cheese. Then we paid a visit to K at her job, then headed home to clean some more and finish our laundry. Now D is decorating our apt. in Halloween decor, its very BRIGHT!! I like it because we are the best decorated apt. even though we are the ONLY decorated apt. Well we just ate and now I'm so tired, I'm about to stuff more food into me. Sweets are my weakness as they are for many others, but I'm not a big fan of breaded sweets like the mexican sweet breads and cakes. I'm done today talk to everyone tomorrow.

First Day 10/11/2010

So this is the first day of my blog, this is kind of weird because I usually keep my life to myself and my family only. Now I feel like I'd like some advise from complete strangers that are not bias towards myself or anyone else I mention. They will give me the truth they see and I'm looking forward to see how I react to their words about me daily life. I am going to be writing about my life everyday, yeah that sounds kind of boring but if I don't try then I won't know for sure will I. Okay for tonight's topic: I have a partner (D) and his sister (K) and we all just started living together in our new apt on Friday the 8th. D and I have been together off and on for about 4-5 years now and we were officially living together last year in Nov. and K started living with us on our last month at our old apt. So far it as been great and I like the time I spend with K. So this is the deal, D is our bread winner and K just needs to pay for herself. I honestly don't mind letting her just worry about her own stuff because its not like we want her to pay for everything, she is just starting her life out of a small country town. Now about me, ha ha ha, well I have no job. I used to work as a tobacco cashier for Sam's Club but that went south due to them being so pushy about certain things, then I became a car salesman and well that didn't work out because I wasn't a cut throat soul stealing non-emotional guy. Now I am a stay at home boyfriend/house wife, but to be honest I'm not such a great house wife because I lack a boat load of motivation to get things done on time. So if there is anyone out there who reads this and is kind of in the same situation as me I would like your input on this.