So many hot bears at work

Yeah I just found a new appreciation for my job, there are so many hot bears to eye fuck lmao

Wow

That's awkward I just ran into my ex d sister at the mall and acted a though I was perfectly happy in my life. Fuck I miss him

Just got off work

Work had been great, even though it ended with n and d doesn't want me I'm not giving up on finding a guy for me that fits my life. Headed to east with my family for my moms bday party. I'm happy she's still with us.

Working

Wow the wind today is horrible, and I have to work in it.

Didn't last long now did it

I left N, well his words " I don't have time for any relationship" let me know its time to say goodbye. Then he says " I truly cared about you", yeah if he truly cared about me he wouldn't have started a relationship with me if he couldn't handle being in one. Thanksgiving blows this year ugh FML, Xmas is going to suck even more beause the past 5 xmas' I've been by D's side. I don't want to be without him anymore but that's not my choice to make is it? I love him with all my heart but he doesn't love me, I'd like to know how he stopped loving me and what I did that was so bad for him to move on. I guess I'll never know, I think I'm destined to live with a missing piece in my heart where D's love is suppose to go. If your reading this D just know that I love you forever and always. I'm not to proud to say that I want to be back by your side.

it took this long huh?

I can't get over how much I miss D, I feel like crying on someone's shoulder but I can't because I have nobody. I don't have any friends to turn to because I don't have any that are close to me like that. I'm alone in life right now, I'm tired of this feeling. I remember how I would cry on D's shoulder or in his arms when I first heard that my mom's cancer was back. It didn't matter what time it was, he would hold me and not let go till I was done. I felt safe with him, I just want that feeling back. I could tell him anything, fuck I miss him.

no phone till payday

So I may have given my phone a love tap that was to hard and cracked the screen, now I have to wait till I get paid on Friday to get a new one FML right lol. I told N and well he kinda freaked out on me, basically made it seem like I'm some violent monster who beats people. I'm not perfect nor have I ever claimed to be perfect, I made a mistake and I'm the one who has to pay for it not him or anyone else so why does he have to insist that I'm one step away from doing a killing spree. He keeps saying that he sees a lot of red flags already, well I see a lot more. He has no time for me because of his busy life, he might move away when he lands a job out of city or state, feels like everytime we are able to be together its just a sexual attraction. He says that he can't give me 100% of himself because he might move away and his busy life, so now I find myself asking myself if I want to wait to be dumped. I thought I finally found a great guy but like always its to good to be true. I have already told myself that it might work out in time, so that's what I'm giving it. If something else arises I'm just going to end it, I don't want to be in a relationship that's full of problems. I also remembered that it was D's bday a few days ago, having problems with N and D's birthday has gotten me into a sad mood. I still miss him, it doesn't help that everytime a relationship doesn't work out I think about him more and more. I can't replace him with anyone else, but he doesn't want me so what am I to do? It also sucks because we've spent xmas together for the past 5 years, I hate to decorate but I miss watching him decorate and force me to help him. I don't know if he reads my blog anymore.

Another one....FML

So its starting to look like things are to good to be true with N. We never spend time together or text anymore. We were suppose to spend some time together this past weekend but his family came to see him so we didn't, I was really bummed that I didn't see him. I later told him how I felt but didn't want him to think I want him to ever choose me over his family. Things have kinda gone down hill since then, we don't talk as much anymore. I'd hate to say that its a failed attempt at a relationship but its looking like it. I'm going to hold on a bit longer to see if this just a tiny bump in the road. I know it would be a lot easier if I had betty working, but if this falls through then I'll move on like always.

First day at work

So my first day at work was tuesday but I forgot to post lol, it wasn't very busy and I enjoyed it. I was at the wash bay cleaning the cars and found that I got into the groove of things very fast and started knocking them out like nothing. I was suppose to be off Wed and Thurs but my handsome boss asked me if I could come in on either of those days so I told him I'd be in on Thurs at 7am. Little did I know that it's going to be fucking 30 degrees in the morning and by the time I leave work it'll only be 60 degrees. FML right ha ha!!! Its ok though as long as I stay busy I don't think I'll be that cold. My brother is trying to help me get a different job where I will be making more money so I'll see how that goes. More money means I'll get to fix Betty faster and get a better phone because the one I have now is crapping out on me not to mention that I'll be able to finally pay my phone. I don't have the money to pay it so its going to be cut off tomorrow and I won't be able to talk to N unless I'm at home via FB since he lives in Odessa and I live in Midland. He's super busy and we barely get to see each other in person so me having my phone cut off is a major bump in the road. I'll get to see him this weekend hopefully, I sure do miss being in his arms. One thing that made my day was that my sis told me that D's new man is ugly and that my man is a huge upgrade from D. I just smiled so big because D chose 20% over 80% and now he's stuck with an ugly guy who probably doesn't do what I did for him. N is the lucky one now as am I for being able to be with N, he makes me happy and is very supportive. I can tell that he truly cares about me like I care about him. As of now I know that I would not take D back if he came around, to many lies between me and him to be happy on any level.

Finally

I got a call from Enterprise and its the call I've been needing. I got the jod and I start tomorrow, from what I gather its a set schedule Fri-Tues with Wed and Thurs off. Its only $8 and hour but hey that's better than making $0 a day. First things first get my phone and bronco paid for, then start investing in fixing my black betty. Oh that's what I've decided on calling my bronco I'm going to paint it black and call her Black Betty :) I'll let you guys know how the job goes tomorrow.

Damn time change

I almost forgot that the time changed, I feel so off today. First of all I've never been a huge fan of colder weather and now it gets dark faster. I got turned down from one job because of my backround, it was a real bummer and blow to my job hunt. Thankfully I have N to pick me back up and keep a smile on my face. I love that he supports me in whatever it is I do, he doesn't judge me for the situation I'm in. I'm not feeling very happy about Enterprise, guess you can say I'm just waiting for the rejection letter or phone call. I need to find something so I can stop being so damn broke. I wish I could be so lucky to have the skills my friend F has and passed my tattoo test in 2 months then I would be able to work at any tattoo shop. I just have to keep trying my hardest and keep believing that my dream will come true someday soon. Until then I'm going to try and make money by any means other than selling drugs or my ass lol, my bro said he'll help me get some tattoo supplies so I can tattoo out of the house. Its a great chance to make some money that I really need. I'm thinking about it more and more everyday. I'll keep you guys posted on what happens.

Had one of the best nights I've had in a while

Its quietly official lol, N is my new man and I couldn't be happier. We spent a great night together at his house. I feel so comfortable with him and get this "100% honesty" feeling from him. We kissed, cuddled, and well you know what else lol Twice!!!!!!!! He's amazing at what he does and he takes charge in the right moments. I like hearing him speak about his day and his life. I can honestly say that I see myself with him. He's that special to have broken me out of my slump and saving me. I owe him a lot.

Its not official yet but.....

So I let N know how I feel about him and what we could have together and he feels the same way. He's taking me to the movies tonight and we're going to talk about the potential relationship. He's been hurt like I have its just that mine is more recent but that still doesn't mean he isn't just as hurt as I am. I know what its like to be lied to and so does he, I know that I will always be honest and faithful. I'm taking a risk that he will be to. I like him so much so that I'm willing to put myself out there and be vulnerable. More to come hopefully great news to share with you guys.

Am I ready to take the plunge again????

So things with N are going great and well today he asked me what I think about us potentially being a couple. I thought about it and I couldn't find anything negative to point out. He's been 100% honest with me from the start and usually I find something about the guys I date to be wrong but with him I can't. I don't find myself thinking about D anymore I just think about N. I smile everytime I see him or think about him, he makes me feel so damn comfortable. I think I'm ready to put myself out there again, its been one hell of a journey to get to where I am now. Things are slowly starting to get better and I have N to thank because when I was sad and ready to just throw in the towel he didn't let me stay down he made me smile and see that things always get better. If things take a more serious turn I'm not going to turn and run the other way, I'm going to allow myself to be vulnerable with him and let him know that I am ready to be with him. I just hope he feels the same way. I'm not saying we're going to get the wedding bells ready more like being exclusive instead of just dating. I'd proudly call him mine if he calls me his :)

A bit worried

So I had a job interview today and it went great, I didn't expect to find out that the manager was a fellow tattoo artist. She was so happy to find another person who knew about tattoos other than "oh they look cool" lol, we talked for about 30 mins. talking about tattooing and completely forgot the interview. She then realized that I was suppose to get an interview and just decided to pass me and send my backround check off. They only thing that worries me is that my backround isn't the best in the world, I just hope it goes through because I really need this job for the money. She told me its strictly seasonal and I told her that I wasn't trying to be rude but that's all I really wanted and to not have a career out of her job lol. She knew I want to be a tattoo artist so she didn't mind. Its $9.50 and hour overnights, I need this. Wish me luck guys :)