Merry X-mas

I had a wonderful time spending X-mas with my family. I am glad that the whole family is here, my two older brothers and sister and finally back together under one roof along with their own families. I loved playing Loteria with them and taking my sister's money lol. I do miss D and am kinda hurt that he didn't stay with me, I am feeling really sad and low right now. I figured that he would have at least called me more or even just stayed with me. I just feel like shit right now, and very lonely. Just feel like going home and crying myself to sleep, don't know if I have ever felt let down like this in a long time. Just want to go home and forget the bad part of the day, I don't know if D can make up for this ever. Honestly I feel like the only thing I can do right now to make myself feel better is to just cut the pain away.

yay, what a successful party it was

We just got back from Daniel's X-mas party at his job, I think it was a good turn out. Not a lot of employees from the day crew came to it but I liked all the food that they had. The brisket was perfectly cooked and the ham was so damn moist and delicious, I helped him pass out the x-mas presents. Even though I didn't get a thing I am glad that we got to show his employees that we care and taht we can give back to them for being such great and hard workers. The clean up was not hard well because I didn't do any of it ha ha ha. Can't wait till the next one, going to make it even better for him, and all the hard working employees that help keep his checks rolling in. Merry X-mas Babe!!!

X-mas

So I am going to miss D this X-mas, because he is going to be spending this years X-mas with his family. I'm not saying that he should not spend it with them its just that we always switch every year and we spent it with them last year and almost died in the process of getting there. I thought it was my families turn this year, guess not since he told me he might not come back till the day after X-mas. So I don't get to see him X-mas eve or even X-mas day, which is going to suck a lot. I suppose he deserves to be where he wants because he is a grown man, and I did leave to Dallas for a week and we were broken up for 2 weeks. I am saddened but whatever happens happens I suppose.

Bro

So I heard from my sister today that my aunt B took my brother C's ex boss to his apt in San Antonio and they took his Jeep. My brother just welcomed his baby girl into this world on 12-11-2010 and now they take his only means on transportation around San Antonio and not to mention he used that for work. I really can't believe that my fucked up aunt would stoop so low as to do that to him all because he didn't have enough money to bring back your fucking trailer that you don't even FUCKING use you dumb chain smoking, beer chugging, life ruining, desperate to stay in the light by fucking up other peoples lives SOB. I know that if I were to run into you somewhere I will act as though you are dead. I would also like to point out to the world that you are always suppose to have your family's back and take into notice that your nephew just had a kid and didn't have a way to return your FUCKING trailer you selfish old dried up fucking prune. You act as though your whole fucking life would be ruined if you did not get your trailer back. Glad that this whole ordeal has a golden light at the end of the tunnel, because I get to have my brother and his new little family here for X-mas.

I'm Back

So I moved back to Midland to be closer to my family and well D of course, I didn't realize how much I would miss him when I left to Dallas. He sent me money to get back to him, it shows that he really does love me. I am grateful to have him in my life and I am going to work on keeping him in my life. I will hopefully find a job soon, I had an over the phone interview with At&T the other day. So I am keeping my head held high.

Curse their blood

For each wrong you've done may the pain come,
for this disgrace you have shown upon your blood,
I curse your family to a life of nothingness,
I call the triple goddess to my side to help me in this matter,
take their love and happiness from their hearts,
I bring the horned god to my sight,
reign down upon their lives bringing pain and suffering,
I give you the power to sever the ties that bond us by blood,
no more will I call you apart of me,
Take this curse with all my anger....the spirits of the past will haunt your soul,
I give my blood to stain yours,
I make it thee,
So mote it be.

Not doing the best I thought I could

So its been a few days since I moved to Dallas with my friend A, I have not found a job yet and its kinda wearing me down. I don't have any idea where I am at because these roads are so damn confusing to me, hate feeling lost. Yes I will also admit that I am getting very homesick and have even started thinking that I made a huge mistake by leaving D, but I already made that decision and in doing so I hurt him. I just have to suck it up I suppose and just try to make it work out for the best. I want to be successful in life, but feel lonely without D by my side. I screwed up that relationship and I don't think I will ever get it back. Yes there were a lot of problems between us that needed to seriously be resolved, and I don't like being confined to such a over ruled life. I just wanted a simple little life with him, maybe have 2 or 3 good friends that we could hang around with and maybe go have dinner with or invite over for dinner and a movie or a game of Smartass. I know I have responsibilities like a car payment and some other bills like cell phone and internet to pay, but I have always had my own way of doing things. I know  I would have gotten a job soon and would have started making my tattoo work shine bright. I will take the blame for ending the relationship and breaking his heart, I have no shame in that. With that said though, a relationship is a PARTNERSHIP and not suppose to be where one fallows the other one around like a lost little puppy dog. I know in my heart that if D would have just cared more about what was going on in the inside of me rather than the part of me not having a job I would have stayed. Even now my family is showing him support for his grandfather, even my friend that he hates is showing him support. I wish he would have given me even a little bit of that attention when I was with him, I felt so alone when I stood next to him. He used to make me feel so happy and proud to tell everyone that I had him as my man, I remember starting every conversation with a new friend that included him in it. I was always telling them I was happily taken and had no interest in anyone else. Why couldn't you show me some damn love and support D? I was right there and you just stood silent and just watched me cry my eyes out in front of you. I needed your strength to help keep me up, and yet you refused to give it to me, why D? Why did you just try to run my life without ever trying to get involved. I gave you my heart and my full attention, I knew and cared about everything that ever happened in your life, I had big plans for our life. I noticed that you only showed me affection when it was convenient to you, I hate how you always seem to try and change right when I am leaving. Well if you would have just cared for me like I care for you in the first place like you should have done, I wouldn't be in Dallas with A and missing you and K so much that it makes me want to cry. I think of you a lot. I don't know if your family hates me again, or if you even want to talk to me. I just want you to know that if you open your heart to someone who has already given you theirs, then you will truly be happy instead of always fighting. You have a mouth for a reason, use it to tell the ones you love that you care for them and love them with everything you have. I miss being by your side. Right now I wish I could just close my eyes and make everything better, but I can't. I want to make mom better and live a happy life with the one I love by my side, but I suppose its not that easy huh. If you do read this, then I don't care if you want to bitch me out or tell me that I am a no good waste of time. Then do so without any regrets, just let me know how you feel because that is what I have been asking for this whole time we have known each other. I will say this, I love you and always will. Even when I am living in a different town, thank you for everything you have ever given me or shown me in the amount of time we have spent together.

Made it here

So I survived my first day in Dallas, I hope I can land a job soon so I can finally pay my car bill and my other bills as well. Going to look into what I can hopefully get into. Want a great job so I can pay bills and not be broke. Here is for hoping for a better tomorrow and better future.

Well tomorrow is the day

Going to be saying goodbye to my family tonight and leaving tomorrow at 9 am. Wonder if anyone believes I can make it in Dallas, if nobody believes I suppose I will just have to believe enough for everyone. I am sad because I might have to miss xmas with my family this year because I might not have enough money to get back down here and back to Dallas.

End of the Week

I am leaving this week on Friday or Saturday morning, some of my family is not happy about my decision but I just have to keep my head up and try to live my life. I just want my life to come together and just include my family, my friends, and my career (tattooing).

Almost Ready

So I finally got my tire fixed and my oil changed with a fresh new oil filter, I am almost ready to move. I just need to sell my camcorder and say goodbye to my family and hope that I don't get lost on my way. Looking forward to seeing the big bright lights of Dallas my new home, but I am hoping to still have some money to travel back to Midland for X-mas with my mother and family. I like sleeping on the couch at my mom's lol, very peaceful and warm unlike D's apt. Was always so cold and blah there, would have killed to leave the freaking Heater on there. Hmm I wonder if A wouldn't mind keeping the heater on a low setting to keep it warm there. I applied at the ZOO lol, hope I get the job. Everyone wish me luck.

Dallas

So since last time I was on here, I was in a relationship with D and was living with him and K. Now I am living with my mom as of 20 mins. ago. When I get enough money to fix the car for good and then I'm on my way to Dallas to live with my bestie A. Hope I find what I am looking for down there, which is a job and my tattoo career.