Meaningless

My life feels so meaningless right now, I don't have a job even though I have been trying to land something since last year. This is not a great way to start the new year, I just know that if I can get enough money together to get some great tattoo equipment the rest will fall into place. It can really open up doors for me but in order to do all that I have to acquire a job and get some money. I want to ask D to buy the stuff for me but he will never do that because he doesn't trust me. I just can't get a break anywhere, man I just feel so damn helpless. I feel as though D would rather spend every cent he has on his family that he hardly ever sees than help me out. It has always been like this, I want to rely on him but I can't. He tells me that I am making my way here at the apt because I don't have a job I'm suppose to have everything clean. Just because I don't have some GM job at some burger flipping place doesn't mean I have to clean your crap up every second of my life. If this was truly a "partnership" he would see that I need help getting my tattooing career off the ground and give me the help I need instead of always telling me that if I had a job i could pay for it myself. I'm trying but some days just don't feel worth getting out of bed to hear that I'm not cleaning enough or that I don't cook enough or just that I'm not good enough. Makes the razor blade more and more tempting to me, just to feel that instant relief from all this crap. No more worrying about him coming home and pointing out that I didn't do this and that, no more restless nights thinking about how my mother feels, no more worrying about anything in this life. If I could have three wishes I'd wish for a happy healthy family, have a tattoo shop of my own, and not have someone constantly telling me that what I do isn't good enough. I am who I am, so if you are reading this just make up your mind already. Either accept me for who and how I am or ask me to leave, I know you know I have always accepted how you are without hesitation. Guess I'm just tired of waking up and my first thoughts are "what is he going to complain about now?" or "what are we going to fight about now?"