Help Wanted

So I'm here in Balmorhea with D and his family. We went to his brothers graduation party on Friday and I asked him to dance with me. Well one thing lead to another and we went to bed mad at each other because he doesn't want to be gay in public yet wants me to be all over him behind closed doors. I understand the whole no holding hands and kissing passionately like some hot and heavy couple, but a simple "babe" or little quick peck wouldn't kill him. So I had a super long talk with his sis M and I came to an agreement with myself that I would try to treat him like he wants. So on Saturday I don't call him babe or try to be affectionate with him, not trying to be really close to him. I was just acting like a friend by not standing to close, calling him by his first name, being just calm and cool. So when we get back to the house I'm still acting the same way, then when we go to bed he is all pissed that I'm not all up on him trying to jump his bones. So he tells me that he's just gonna call off the trip to San Antonio and Six Flags, I told him "OK" because that's not what I'm here for. I'm here to spend time with him and try to work things out but apparently I'm not doing something right like always. I don't give a fuck if we go back to Midland, its not like I'm living with him or relying on him for my bills. He can spend his last days of his vacation alone for all I care, because if this is how its going to be then I just have one word for him " GOODBYE". I'm not about to let him bring me down again when I didn't do anything wrong. He needs to grow up and stop being a chicken shit about showing some fucking affection towards me, nobody gives a shit. I don't want him to do it to show them that he's with me, I want him to do it to show ME that he's there for ME. I don't even know anyone besides his family so what satisfaction would I get from him showing off how gay he is by dancing or holding my hand? If he doesn't change his ways then he can just move on, I'm not going to give in to anything this time around. He has two choices: get his shit together and just live happy with me and stop worrying about what others think about him, or hit to road and find another closet case to spend his life with. Going to have a talk with him and let him know whats what, I don't give a shit if he leaves me in Balmorhea to find my own way home as long as he finally makes up his FUCKING MIND for once.

Weekend in Balmorhea

So I am here in Balmorhea, Tx. for D's brother's graduation. He is the last one of the siblings to graduate. I'm proud of him, man I remember meeting him when he was little lol. I've known him since he was 12 years old, wow that makes me feel so old even though I'm only 23. After the graduation and the party today there is the annual Memorial Street Dance held in the center of town. I like it because there is music and dancing, byob, oh and must not forget the many food booths. I will admit that I am more excited about the food than anything else. Going to be eating a lot this weekend, but I'll work it off when we go to San Antonio for the next part of the vacation. Six Flags here we come on the 29th. We'll be coming home on the 2nd of June so D can pay his rent and start work on Saturday. I have been eagerly waiting for the call from the tattoo shop that sent me the e-mail about an apprenticeship but still haven't gotten a call. They open on the 1st of June so if they don't call by then I'll just have to take the initiative and call them myself. Hopefully they will see that I really want this and welcome me to learn all there is to this beautiful art. I have so many plans for my future and getting an apprenticeship is the first step in reaching my goals. Wish me luck everyone.

Why did she have to say that???

I was having a great day, did a small job interview at Al's Formal wear and went for a great bike ride. When I got home my sis told me " hey did I tell you that D lost his wallet?" I just said its because he's a dumbass. It bothered me a lot because it stirred up so many memories of me always trying to find his wallet and phone and keys for him all the time. I find myself thinking about him now, I told R that it was making me sad to think about him. I didn't tell him that what my sister said started making me miss finding stuff for him. It made me miss the time we spent together, then it makes me so mad because I can think about all the happy memories we shared and the happy times I shared with his family. I find myself asking why wasn't I good enough to keep him for myself? What wasn't I doing? Makes me so mad. I know I will never be able to trust him again, but I can't help but want to be in his arms again. I didn't want to leave him, I didn't want to leave his side. Makes me really depressed when I think about what we had, I just want to know what made him stray to others. Is it for the best that we are apart? Will I ever get over him? Will any other man be able to fill in the hole he left in my heart? I have so many questions, and no answers. Had a dream last night about me and him happy together, I woke up scared and almost started crying. I sit alone in this quiet house and all I can hear are the fans blowing and the wind passing through the trees while I can't stop thinking about him and how he sleeps. Wondering if he's moved on to one of those guys he was talking to behind my back. I don't know if I need to hear him say that it was me and that he didn't want me anymore so that I can move on with my life, or if I want him to pursue me and tell me everything will get better and show me that he is willing to prove himself. Then again it would take deleting his facebook account before I could feel okay. I'd want to always be checking his phone and that's not something a relationship needs. I want to convince myself that he will change and that he could be honest to me, but its hard to believe when its not the first time. Sucks knowing that I had my life planned out for us but he threw it all away. Now that I am not with him anymore all these job opportunities and this apprenticeship come up, why couldn't they have shown up earlier in the months? I don't know what is in store for my life, but I have to be strong enough to stand on my own two feet if I'm to survive. No more relying on anyone for anything. Going to ask R to give me a few days of space to think and try to just be me. I like him a lot but right now I'm still not sure I want to move on from D even if he has cheated on me. Whatever I decide I will have to face it head on, even if i have to be the bad guy.

So its been a few days

Well we somehow worked things out and are just going to tkae it SLOW!!! I almost lost my chance with R because of my insecurities that I developed while I was with D. I believed that I wasn't worth waiting for or even pursuing by another man. Thanks to R's talks I realized that in order to make my life the way I want it I have to be the one to make the choices. So I told him that I would like to wait till Oct 31st to make my mind up if he has a spot in my life. If I don't make a choice by then I told him that he can just walk away from me with no remorse because we agreed that 4 months is plenty of time to make up my mind. So far everything has been starting good, oh and we are going to abstain from sex. We told each other that if we make it official that we will be completely monogomous and celebrate with the most intimate of actions, SEX!! So until then we are going to just date and wait, so this past Saturday he took me out to eat and to the movies. I had the best fucking date ever, and he is so fun to be around. Oh did I mention that our date was 12 hours long, yeah it didn't even feel like that because I was having such a great time with him. Even though we agreed to not have sex that doesn't mean we can't kiss, and man there was a lot of kissing lol. We went to the drive in and watched Fast Five and Brides Maids. Well we just wanted to see Brides Maides so while Fast Five was playing we were just talking and well kissing the whole time. Yeah best movie ever lol. Oh if you haven't seen Brides Maids then you need to see it because its fucking hilarious, there were a lot of people with kids who watched Fast Five. Well wen Brides Maids came on all those people with kids left in the first 5 mins because it was so vulger and raunchy lol. So my kind of movie and also R's kind as well, we were laughing so hard during the whole movie. I highly recommend it. After the movies ended we went to a quiet place to talk some more till about 3 am and then he took me home. I so didn't want to leave his side but know that I can't afford to jump into a relationship so fast. Its going to be worth it to take it slow and build it up. Going to spend the weekend with him, so excited for that!!!! Love them kisses and that smile.

Just Friends

So I had a long talk with R and we decided that we should just be friends because my life is way to complicated. Just going to hold off on dating, gotta get my life on track. Really hoping that I get the apprenticeship at Brutal Nation Ink..keeping my hands tied.

I'm sorry

So I finally told R that I needed to just work on me, and it went kinda how I thought it would go. I knew he was going to take it hard but not that hard. I know he was and still is dealing with some family demons but I still can't let that get in the way of making myself better. I still want him as a friend even if he moves on, because its not often that you meet someone great like him. I rushed into things way to fast and the result was hurting him in the end. That was the last thing on my mind but I had to man up and tell him the truth. No more pussy footing around with people, I have to take full control of my life because nobody else can. My sis tells me that she would like to see me get back with D, but I don't see that happening. It hurts me when she says stuff like that, aren't you suppose to take my side? I get sad at times because I may not have a nice apt like when I was living with D but I wouldn't trade the time I have spent with my family. It hurts when someone brings him up like it doesn't hurt me. Its not like I am running away from the pain, its just that I feel like I can't get over it if everyone keeps talking about him like we are still together. If I keep my head up I know that someday I will not think about him or even flinch when someone brings him up, but for now I just try to keep myself from breaking down. I feel horrible that I hurt R like this, if I could make it up to him in any way I would. The more and more I learnt about his lifestyle, the more I began to realize that I had chosen the wrong path to take with him. I regret not being his friend first and being able to learn all about him and then pursuing something romantic. But that ship has sailed and I have ruined any chances of us ever getting serious. I now have to focus on my tattooing and making it my lifes passion, I know I will find someone someday. It just isn't the right time for me, but it will someday. I love you all!!!! Be safe, Be strong!!

New found respect

So I have a client that wants some script on her back and well she is super picky. I have done so many drawings that my back is now hurting and I'm so stressed out. If you want to be so picky then feel free to print out what you want in the font you want and I'll just tattoo it. Then some people think I'm some master tattoo artist and want the most detailed work known to man. Then we go back to me not having anyone to help me out, sometimes I just want to call it quits for now till I can land an apprenticeship at a great shop. Been aplying at different places that I normally wouldn't apply because I need the money now that I'm not with D anymore, but even though life has gotten a lot harder I don't regret anything. I hope deep down that he is sorry and regrets his choices for the rest of his life because it was wrong of him to do that to me. If I was a bad person I would have cursed him the first day I was away from him but I'm not. Then there is the fact that I'm more open to practice my wicca without him telling me that its stupid. Now that I have stepped back from his stone heart I can see that I should have left earlier. He was no good for me in everyway, I guess I was just blinded by all the things he promised me in life like a happy home and happy family. I had our whole future planned out in my head, we were going to be so happy together. Then I finally had to wake up from it all and realize that he was a liar and would lie to anyone and everyone he could just to get what he wanted. Its so hard to move on and not want to cry everytime I think about losing everything I dreamt of. I've only seen a small glimpse of R's life, I don't know what to expect from him. We get along great and have a great friendship right now, I want to rush into this so bad right now but I believe in doing so I will end up driving myself right back into D's lying arms. R and I have made an agreement that if either of us decide that we aren't meant to be lovers but only friends then we will say so asap. I've never met someone like R and it scares me that he can be alot of the things I find attractive in a man. I have noticed that I have a tendancy to fall for the first man that comes along after I leave D and it always blows up in my face. I need to cleanse my soul of all the heartbreak D has caused me and just let go of him. Its hard when you spent the last 5 years living alongside someone else, but I know that with the help of my family and friends I will be able to survive. I have to remember that I can't change myself to fit into someone else's life, they have to be willing to accept my lifestyle as I have to accept theirs. I need someone that is responsible with their life and doesn't just do whatever they want and not expect consequences. R has a gypsy soul and that leads him to move around alot and take tons of trips, I like that very much so. He invited me on a trip to Cali earlier, it was so sudden but I didn't even hesitate to say YES. I like that instead of telling me that we were gonna have to cancel our weekend hang out, he decided to take me along with him so he wouldn't have to miss me anymore. I don't think I can move away from mom and the family right now, but that doesn't mean I won't take trips somewhere. I really want to get my tattooing together so I can make enough money to get a vehicle and be able to travel wherever I want whenever I want. I'm a free spirit now and nothing is going to hold me back. Well its time to get some sleep because I have to practice a lot tomorrow so that I can start bringing in that money, oh there is this job I really want because its Mon- Fri. Perfect job for making money and still allowing me to get the weekends off to hang out. Love you everyone, until next we meet in this life of ours.

Missing him

So I saw him on Sunday and ever since then I've been wanting to spend everyday with him but then again I like having to wait. Ugh Saturday hurry up and get here. So I promised R that I wouldn't watch the new Ep of Glee, because I was going to watch it with him this weekend. We have so much in common that its insane. I've had to reassure my sis and mom that I'm not rushing into anything, I told him that I need to wait and so far he's been super respectable towards my choices. Well only time will tell right? Well until then I'm going to get a job and get my tattooing refined, get a truck, get my own place. When I'm nice and set with my life then I'll be ready to have someone stand next to me in life.

Got some work lined up

So glad that I have finally gotten some work lined up. A little nervous but its what I need to get my name out there for even more clients. I'll post up some pictures when I do the tattoos.

Teddy Bear Time

Finally got him on my right leg, isn't he cute!!!

........

What can I say, there are so many feelings that I want to express to the world right now. My life has taken such a different turn since I've left D. I can't believe he would do that to me, I gave him my entire world. I hope he can get his shit together before he breaks another heart. I've already kinda met someone already but don't want to rush into anything bc I don't want to get hurt and also I need time to heal from what D has done to me. I've explained my feelings toward this person and hope that he can understand what I'm going through. I like spending time with him but don't want him to be my excuse to not feel the pain of D's ways. I like that we have a whole lot in common and that he is so close with his friends and just very laid back, I will say that its not something that I'm used to. I'm used to being confined and not allowed to have friends. I know why now, bc D was worried that I would find out that he was talking to everyone and their mothers behind my back. I know my life will be beter without him but its still hurts to not be with him. I'm searching for jobs right now so that I can get my life together. I was talking to my best A and he told me that I never take the time to just get me right, I want to but I feel as though I might have pulled R in to deep already to not hurt him. I have to man up and let him know that even though we want to go full force into each other (so to speak lol) that I am going to need time to just be single. Its not like I want to date anyone else, I just need to live for myself for a while. I have no job, no vehicle, no money...yeah that looks like a hot mess right there. I'm in no position to be dating anyone right now. I just hope we can still be friends and hopefully one day when I'm able to stand on my own two feet we can be together.

Done

So I finally had enough, I caught him. He messed up and got found out. I can't believe he would do such a thing, but if I think about it. Its not that surprising so me. D has done this all before and this is the last straw, well that's what I said last time. I'm hoping to finally make it without him and move on with my life. I had plans to make a happy life with him but guess he didn't see it the same way. I'm going to be successful in my life and he is going to regret what he did for the rest of his life. I am strong and fully capable of being happy without him, but not going to say that its going to be easy. I'll keep you all updated now that I have more time to update lol, be safe everyone.

Found a hot bear on a blog I follow !!!!!!!!!!

He is so FUCKING HOT!!!!!!!! Just my perfect type!!!!

Best Mothers Day

Had a great mothers day with all the mothers in my life. Oh did I mention that my bro cooked up some awesome crawfish. I love them, and that's not the end of it. Along with it being Mother's Day yesterday it was my cousin's bday too. So what kind of cousin would I be if I didn't get him a cake, well just because I haven't seen him in a while I decided that after he blew out his candle he was so eager to taste it that he shouldn't have to wait for a plate. So he ended up getting a face full of cake lol. I missed him a lot, we were besties back in the day. Always riding around having fun or getting into trouble. We went to his mom's house, it was a sad part of our day. It hasn't been a while since she has passed away, I could still feel her while I was in that house. We managed to find an old photo of her and my cousin covered in dirt. My other aunt tore up the place and left it looking like shit, I couldn't believe how you can do that to your sister's house and not care. There is an old truck my aunt gave to my cousin and he told me and my dad that we could have it. The thing is that we think she took the title thinking she was going to sell it for herself. Not only do I want that truck so I can get around but I want to keep it in the family for as long as possible. It needs a good tune up and some TLC but he said that he runs fine, oh and a great paint job. When I do get him, I'm going to paint it Black. I want to file for a lost title but my dad wants to see if he can get the title back from his sis first. I would like it to be in my name, but if he wants it in his name I don't mind. Then again if I'm going to be doing all the work on it I'd like it in my name bc I don't want all my hard work going to someone else. Well we will see what happens with the truck in the days to come. Going to Balmorhea today for the Mexico Mother's Day, D says that its celebrated on the 10th. Yay I get to go swimming!!!

Found another hot bear daddy!!!

His name is Nick Moretti and WOW!!!

Man of my dreams!!!!!!!

So I found this pic of a hot bear on a blog I follow. My eyes almost fell out of my head when I saw him ha ha ha!! So for those of you who are wondering what kind of men I'm into here is a perfect example.

So I am sad today :(

I found some water in my camcorder the other day and the manual said to let it air dry with all the little doors open in a dry room. Well I charged it and its all kinds of fucked up :( So I came to the sad conclusion that its no longer of any use. I loved this camera so much and my birthday is this Friday so it couldn't have come at a worst time. I have no job so there is no possibility of me getting a new one anytime soon. Hopefully I can do better on my tattoos and start making money to pay for a new one. I gotta look up prices on a new underwater camcorder, want one that goes lower than 10ft. Well on the upper hand I did manage to upload my most recent tattoos to my FB page, hopefully I can get some customers through that. I guess all I can do is chant and hope for a blessing from the gods.