Why did she have to say that???

I was having a great day, did a small job interview at Al's Formal wear and went for a great bike ride. When I got home my sis told me " hey did I tell you that D lost his wallet?" I just said its because he's a dumbass. It bothered me a lot because it stirred up so many memories of me always trying to find his wallet and phone and keys for him all the time. I find myself thinking about him now, I told R that it was making me sad to think about him. I didn't tell him that what my sister said started making me miss finding stuff for him. It made me miss the time we spent together, then it makes me so mad because I can think about all the happy memories we shared and the happy times I shared with his family. I find myself asking why wasn't I good enough to keep him for myself? What wasn't I doing? Makes me so mad. I know I will never be able to trust him again, but I can't help but want to be in his arms again. I didn't want to leave him, I didn't want to leave his side. Makes me really depressed when I think about what we had, I just want to know what made him stray to others. Is it for the best that we are apart? Will I ever get over him? Will any other man be able to fill in the hole he left in my heart? I have so many questions, and no answers. Had a dream last night about me and him happy together, I woke up scared and almost started crying. I sit alone in this quiet house and all I can hear are the fans blowing and the wind passing through the trees while I can't stop thinking about him and how he sleeps. Wondering if he's moved on to one of those guys he was talking to behind my back. I don't know if I need to hear him say that it was me and that he didn't want me anymore so that I can move on with my life, or if I want him to pursue me and tell me everything will get better and show me that he is willing to prove himself. Then again it would take deleting his facebook account before I could feel okay. I'd want to always be checking his phone and that's not something a relationship needs. I want to convince myself that he will change and that he could be honest to me, but its hard to believe when its not the first time. Sucks knowing that I had my life planned out for us but he threw it all away. Now that I am not with him anymore all these job opportunities and this apprenticeship come up, why couldn't they have shown up earlier in the months? I don't know what is in store for my life, but I have to be strong enough to stand on my own two feet if I'm to survive. No more relying on anyone for anything. Going to ask R to give me a few days of space to think and try to just be me. I like him a lot but right now I'm still not sure I want to move on from D even if he has cheated on me. Whatever I decide I will have to face it head on, even if i have to be the bad guy.