Halloween alone

I got invited to go celebrate Halloween with N but I'm not feeling up to it. I'm just not feeling like I'm very worthy yet because well I don't have a job, a vehicle, money. I leterally feel like one of those dead beat boyfriends only without the title boyfriend. N doesn't bring up the fact that I don't have a job or car or money so I don't know if it bothers him, I just don't want to be an embarrasement. I've started putting in some applications for some jobs to help me pay bills but I haven't heard back from any of them yet, but on a nother note I am going to tattoo my friend J and he's going to pay me. I am so fucking happy. Ok I side tracked a bit lol, back to N. Everyday he makes me feel more and more special and opens up in new ways too, I like how he told me that  he hates it that I'm sad and if I can think of any way for him to help to not hesitate to tell him and he'll do it. Its very comforting to know how much he cares already. I miss being close to him and hearing him talk about his day and well kissing him. He's a phenominal kisser!!! We haven't had sex though so I don't have anything to report on that ha ha, but I will when it finally happens. I was suppose to go to a Halloween party with him and stay the night with him but wasn't feeling to cheerful. I really wanted to stay with him but not in this mood that I'm in. I want our time together to be a happy one, one without the stress of having to find a job or being broke.