Sometimes music takes the words right out of my mouth

This is how I feel when I think about D. 

Why do you keep coming back?

If your so happy with him now then ask yourself why you keep checking up on my life? I've already said that I will always love you no matter what, even though you hurt me. I am strong enough to look past that and just move on from that, I wouldn't have made myself look like a complete dumb ass trying to get a hold of you and asking your brother and my sister if you were single or if you missed me if I didn't want to be with you. You gave me mixed signals when you hugged me and told me you always thought about me yet say your with someone else, time is not on your side. I can't wait forever for you to decide if you want him or me, I'm not going to allow myself to be the second choice if shit hits the fan with him. Either you want to be with me or you want to be with him. If its him then fine, I'll be happy for you just don't give me some hope that your still thinking about me. If you want to be with me then man up and say so. I'm working my ass off to achieve my dream and live a fantastic life for myself, you can choose to either be apart of that because you love me or let me go for good. What I want from you is to be an honest man and love me for the rest of my life like you first promised me when you first said you loved me, no more secrets or talking to other men. Just have complete faith in each other. I can do that, just tell me you want me and we will be. No games or beating around the bush. Life is to short for all that, you know I love you so come and get me I'm right here D.

Didn't think I would be ok

I honestly did think that I'd be able to funtion today since I got my heart trampled on by D but you know what. I'm having a fucking awesome day lol. It hurt at first and felt like every breath was going to be my last but after a good sleep and some time around my awesome shop family I started feeling happy and realized that if D has moved on then I as least know that there isn't any false hope. I don't have to keep thinking if he's going to be with me now, he's moved on and happy so why should I keep dwelling on being single. I may not have a man but I'm fucking happy and thats all that matters. I love myself enough to just keep going, if D does decide to be with me then thats fucking great but if he doesn't then thats fucking great too :)

Comparison

Seems like I compare every man that I like to my X, idk if that's fair but its what I tend to do. Right now nobody is good enough for me, then again I can easily not be good enough for them. Its a fine line that I walk along, seems like I'm destined to fail if I keep measuring them up to the greatest loves of my life. If you know how I feel please tell me how you got through this. I need some help any help.

Way to send mixed signals

So I met with my X today, was happy to see him. Miss hugging him and being so close to him. Then it got a little crazy, he said he always thinks about me yet he says he's not in love with me just loves me. Wow mixed signals right? He's got a new man but the way he was hugging me didn't seem like he did. I love him and would get back with him if he wanted to but I'm not going to play games or be the other man or be the back up if it doesn't work out with ol boy. I will not wait forever, I wish him all the happiness with whoever this guys is. If you want me then make your move, one way I think about it is "do I really want to live my life without this person I've given my heart to?" If you can honestly think about me and say you don't see yourself with me for the rest of your life then we'll just never talk again, but if you can't deny that you still want me then fuck everyone else and just love me. I've said all I wanted to say and you know how I feel, its in your hands now. You have my number, you know where I live, don't hesitate to say something.

Ha Ha I get the point

I get now that its not going to happen between me and my x nor anyone else. It makes me sad but it is what it is, I'm just going to admit defeat in the battle of love. Its so funny because I try to be a good person and no love is my payment, I'm done being a caring person. Call me loveless from now on because I walk alone. These little moments in life are what help drive me to finish my apprenticeship and move the fuck away so I can forget everything but my family. I'm just tired of not having someone to love and call my own anymore, but if its not meant to be then its ok. I seriously feel like breaking down and just saying "fuck the world" and throwing myself into a deep depression, but I don't have that luxury. I have to keep going stronger than ever, don't let anyone get in my way. It sucks that I want to be with the one man who broke my heart and he doesn't want me. Guess if its that easy for him to move on then he really didn't care and the 5 years we have together didn't mean shit. I look back at what I have written and I've been rambling on like a little school girl but it makes me feel better. Thing I'm going to write a spell tonight to help me block out these feelings and keep love from breaking my heart again.

Numb

Lately I've been feeling like I'm seperate from everyone and everything. I tend to find myself thinking about the past and everything remins me of what was. Honestly I don't even remember when I left D, my days have all blurred together. I feel my heart aching inside my chest, it wants to be loved and not be invisible but at the same time is scared of the unknown. Sometimes I just want to be numb from this world so that I can get through the days. I see that my clouded mind has greatly affected my drawing and tattooing, I love it but been dazing off while at the shop. I just have so much running through my head all the time. I want to know if he has really moved on, and if he has I want him to tell me to stop loving him. I know a lot of people would say that I don't need him because of what he did, but sometimes I just want what I want. I remember crying in his arms when I first found out that my mom was sick again, and he was the only one who saw my tears when I would cry everyday. He wasn't always to thrilled that I tattooed at the apt but he never told me to give up. I remember always knowing what he was thinking and how he felt. That was the scary part, because I knew when he was talking to other men and when he wasn't. Right now I feel like curling up in bed and crying while feeling his arms around me. If I can no longer have that feeling then I'll have to learn to cope and move on, there will always be a spot for him in my heart. I just don't know if there is still a spot for me in his. I just have to keep moving forward with my life, don't let anybody in to disrupt my focus. I will put on a smile for the world to see while I cry on the inside for what I've lost. As far as anyone knows at work my life is perfectly in order, shows how trusting I really am.

The X again

So I sent my x a message on FB today and later asked my sis if that was a stupid thing to have done. She then informed me that he was already seeing someone else. Yeah it hurt a bit to know that it was that easy for him to move on, then again he did cheat on me so its not a complete surprise. I don't know what to think anymore, I'm not going to bug him about anything so I just messaged him back saying that I know he is now with someone else and that he should just disregard that last message. I know I hated how he cheated on me so I'm not going to give him the opportunity to cheat again on someone else. I'm just so tired of being alone and having horrible luck with guys. I'm sad and mad and just want to hate the world right now but it won't make me feel any better so I'm just going to let it all go and just not want any relationship. It does suck that I'm still in love with my x and still want to be with him even after all that he has done to me. Hopefully I can leave all this behind when I finish up my apprenticeship and move away from Texas.

Hate giving guys a chance to fuck up my world,going to shut them out for a while.

Moving on up

So I did 4 awesome tattoos today, guess I've really proven to my boss and the other artists that I've got what it takes to get some machine time. I wasn't expecting to get an amazing tip from one guy I tattooed on, then after he was done he put a deposit down on another tattoo for me to do on Monday. I feel very accomplished and that I've shown how good of an artist I am. I started work on a Koi tattoo but going to finish it Sunday. I love what I do, I'm never going back to working at a normal job ever again.

Part 1

So I finally got my rib tattoo started, but unfortunately for me the apprentice tattoos can only be worked on till 4 pm so we had to stop. I at least got my outline done and a little bit of shading in, going to heal up and when I'm ready I'm going to add in the color. Its going to fucking hurt I know it lol, but its well worth it. I don't want to post up pics of my unfinished tattoo just yet so when its done I'm def going to post it up. P says I wimped out bc it was super painful, well I don't see him with a rib tattoo so I don't know how he can bs me about mine. I'm not gonna lie it kinda bothered me, I just don't like someone telling me that I pussed out when I know thats not the case. I'm just going to cool off and not make it into a big deal, I like him and don't want some little comment that more than likely was a joke ruin what we've got.  Oh and I did my first tattoo on a real client today and got tipped big time!!!! I had a bad ass fucking day today!!! Hope I get to do more tattoos now that they know I can bust em out like the pros.

Taking the day off

I am taking the day off from the shop so I don't run myself into the ground. I chose to take to today because its one of the non busy days for the tattoo shop so they can handle it without me. I need some rest and time to get my stuff correct. I definately want to start working out today and go for a nice long bike ride. I am planning on touching up my drawing for the rib piece tattoo that I want and catching up on all the anime that I've not been able to watch. I've been talking to P more and more lately and it seems things are back on track and maybe going better than ever. I'm still not making any life changing choices but I'm really enjoying talking with him. I'm just going to enjoy my day off and try not to stress about the shop, I got to do tattoos so far but nothing truly challenging. I did a little piggy and some black and grey shading on one of the artists existing tattoo. I want to lay down some new lines and color some fresh skin, I know I'll get that opportunity soon enough so not rushing anything. More to come.

Can't lose my focus.

So I've lost 2 great apprentices, but you know what I'm not going to throw a pity party over it. I'm just going to take up their slack and keep busting ass like I've been doing. They didn't make me lead apprentice for nothing right? I've been working on getting more and more apprentices and letting people know about it but its taking a little while to get them in the door and to take the test. Its down to 3 apprentices now, Me...Lil Bit....and Flash!!! Whoever I hire on have some big shoes to fill and us three have set the bar fucking high. I like having a manager for the tattoo artists and shop bc when I need imput I can collaborate with them to decide what to do. Had a fucking blast though, put out some bad ass tattoos today and it fucking rained for once. Did only 2 free tattoos today, thats fucking awesome!!!! Proud of us 3 apprentices for always being there for each other and showing that we are here till the end. On a side note the guy I've been having some complications with finally messaged me back and kinda got things figured out. I just have to say that if you know your going to be busy at least give someone a heads up as to why you haven't talked to them in the past 2-3 days. Its ok bc I'm not mad and I don't hold anything against someone, I have told myself that if he is still around when I'm done with my apprenticeship I'm going to try and make it work with him. I like him a lot and am willing to give him a chance if he's willing to try as well. I like that he respects that I have this apprenticeship to finish. Ok everyone, I'm off to bed goodnight . WOOF!!

Hate when things happen and they are to good to be true, thought i found a guy i clicked with but it all went to shit :-(

New Tattoo

So I've been working on letting the boss man allow one of my apprentices to tattoo on me. Flash is a really good guy and I trust him with tattooing me. Its going to be a big rib piece, very colorful but with some black and gray work. A traditional Dagger with a ribbon that says LOVELESS on it and around the dagger are going to be some awesome sugar skulls. I can't wait to get it soon, still drawing it up and pushing to get it. Wish me luck guys.

What to do, what to do??

So I've been talking to a guy for a while, I'd say like a month through txt message. I met him through bearwww.com and he's a great guy as from what I can tell. I'm not having false illusions that he's going to sweep me off my feet lol, its nice to talk to someone who gets you. He's a very handsome man, we've even added each other to our facebooks and sometimes chat via facebook or bearwww.com or txt message. We'll I told him that I'm not looking for anything serious right now nor will I be until I finish my training next year. If we are still talking by this time next year I told him that I'd like to meet and so how things go. Its been nice talking to him over the weeks, he's really kept my mind on my apprenticeship. Well I've sent a few pics of me that had my I <3 U tattoo in them to him. I wasn't telling him I <3 U its just my tattoo and I can't remove it lol. So when he wrote back with <3 U one night I kinda freaked out bc I'm not ready to have someone throw that at me especially when I've never even met the guy. So I told him that I'm not ready for that and its best to cool it. He got mad bc well to him it was just a simple saying, but to me it means a lot more. I have been heartbroken so many times that I've become Loveless, so I told him that I just don't think we should throw those words around and well he told me that he wasn't in love with me and wasn't going to argue with me and said he's done. I felt like poop when he said that. I txt him a few times to just say that I freaked out bc it means so much to me and that I understood how he felt now. I told him that I didn't want to lose him bc he was a great guy, I let him know that if he wanted to continue to talk just to get at me when he wanted after he cooled down. I left him alone the rest of the day until the night and txt him if he wasn't going to talk to me anymore. He txt me back saying that I need to stop reading into things so much, I half agree with that bc its hard for someone like me who's been cheated on to not have a red flag when commitment pops up or I love you pops up. I've got my walls up so I don't get hurt, yeah I've let some down bc its nice to talk to someone who I'm attracted to and share a lot of things in common with. Well I messaged him this morning but no reply :( I'm not going to get my hopes up if he does decide to just drop me, not going to stress to much about it bc I know if I do I'll be taking focus away from my aprenticeship.

$350

So I talked to a guy today and he said he could fix my laptop for $300, I am trying to sell my Wii to make up half that. I'm planning on asking my parents to loan me the rest so I can finally get it fixed. I rely on my laptop so much. I also need to pay my phone which is $52. I don't make enough in tips right now bc the shop just opened and isn't getting the business it needs just yet. If I was a call boy I'm sure I can make enough to buy a house lol but I'm not going down that road. Lets just hope I can pull a miracle out of my broke ass and get it fixed and my phone paid.

Lighter

So last night this guy came into the shop to get one of our free tattoos, I helped him out and got him set up. I thought he left but later came back, and I noticed that he changed his shirt and fixed his hair. He wasn't getting a new tattoo just hanging around the shop. Well come to find out he was scoping me out, and yeah I was not interested. Before he left he slipped the receptionist a lighter with his number written on it, she handed it to me after he left. I was quick to say, no thanks but I'm keeping this bad ass lighter ha ha ha. MP our receptionist was so mad that I wasn't going to give him a shot, she told me he was cute and sweet. I still wasn't changing my mind because he was definately not my type. Oh and really who gives you a broken lighter with your number on it, better make sure that shit works when you give it to me. I think thats been the fourth number I've gotten from a guy while working at the shop, going to start a collection jar soon. I'm flattered but not interested in any of them.

One month down!!!!!!

So I finally completed my first month at the shop, I'm so happy that I got this far. I look back on my older posts of when I was eagerly waiting for them to call me. I remember being so nervous to take my drawing test that I almost threw up. I recall when my boss man told me I was good enough to become an apprentice in his shop, I almost cried but didn't want to look like some punk ass. My first day I was fucking nervous like the first day of school all over again, I remember being so scared to talk to any of the artists or other apprentices. I've grown to love them all and confide in them when I need help with something. I've seen numerous apprentices come and take the test to only throw this opporunity away. I love every minute of it and even though some times are hard and feel like they are breaking you down its all worth it. It makes you stronger. I was recently promoted to lead apprentice so that means its my job to direct the apprentices in whos doing what. I like it because I've held manager positions before so I'm used to it. I don't just sit on the sidelines and watch them work, I get into the cleaning with them and sign waving too. The title lead doesn't change all that much for me, just means that if they have a problem they tell me and I'll fix it and just be in charge of things so that they can focus on perfecting their drawings skills and learing from the artists. I see potential in everyone of them, its up to them to have the drive to reach the end and become a pro tattooist. I know I have the drive and the passion. I have made some bad ass friends at the shop and we have become a tight crew, I know what to expect from them and they know what to expect from me so we work smoothly together. I'm happy where I'm at now, and having these people around me has really helped me move on with my life.

Yeah it sucks playing around with all the guys at the shop, it just makes me wanna fuck so bad ugh why me. They have no idea what they do to me