Happy Halloween

Best Halloween so far, I went on a mini date with N and had an amazing time. I like spending time with him and holding his hand when we're driving. I'm super comfortable with him. He took me for ice cream and we sat outside on a bench close and just talked. I love the fact that he's ok with showing that he's gay in public, its not like we were kissing  just sitting close and not caring what the small minded ppl of West Texas thought. This little girl came up to us and asked if she could take our picture because we reminded her of her uncles, I'm pretty sure that wasn't the case but we let her anyways. We've already scheduled another date for Friday to go see the new Harold and Kumar movie, oh yeah I almost forgot that I have a job interview at Toys R Us as an overnight stocker. I really hope I get the position because I need the money BAD. I hope it doesn't interfeer with my date on Friday. I hope eveyone had a great Halloween this year, be safe and have fun. Keep yall posted on how things are going with N :)

Halloween alone

I got invited to go celebrate Halloween with N but I'm not feeling up to it. I'm just not feeling like I'm very worthy yet because well I don't have a job, a vehicle, money. I leterally feel like one of those dead beat boyfriends only without the title boyfriend. N doesn't bring up the fact that I don't have a job or car or money so I don't know if it bothers him, I just don't want to be an embarrasement. I've started putting in some applications for some jobs to help me pay bills but I haven't heard back from any of them yet, but on a nother note I am going to tattoo my friend J and he's going to pay me. I am so fucking happy. Ok I side tracked a bit lol, back to N. Everyday he makes me feel more and more special and opens up in new ways too, I like how he told me that  he hates it that I'm sad and if I can think of any way for him to help to not hesitate to tell him and he'll do it. Its very comforting to know how much he cares already. I miss being close to him and hearing him talk about his day and well kissing him. He's a phenominal kisser!!! We haven't had sex though so I don't have anything to report on that ha ha, but I will when it finally happens. I was suppose to go to a Halloween party with him and stay the night with him but wasn't feeling to cheerful. I really wanted to stay with him but not in this mood that I'm in. I want our time together to be a happy one, one without the stress of having to find a job or being broke.

No job = FML

I am having a hard time dealing with life while I'm broke. I have so many things that I need to pay and being broke isn't really an option but its what I've been dealt. I literally dread getting a regular day job but what else am I suppose to do. I also haven't heard from  F or G since we left the dying shop. I've been really depressed because they got to move on to a job where they are making money and I'm SOL. I just want to fucking learn to tattoo and tattoo for the rest of my life. I got the numbers for my friends tattoo shop ready for him but that still doesn't do me any good because the shop won't be open for another few months due to having to renovate it a building to suit the standards of the Texas Health Dept. and get the tattoo and piercing license. I've been talking to a great guy but lately I've been stressed with not having any money that its affecting what we've got. I will admit that I'm ashamed that I've got no money and think to myself that he's not going to want to date someone who is broke like me. It has really been bothering me. My self confidence has really taken a blow these last few days since I left the shop. N has really been making me happy and I love spending time with him. If only I could make the money I need I could have it all: a job, a car, my career, a man. The last one isn't necessary but he makes me happy and I want to feel like I'm not some dead beat loser if we get more serious. In fact I don't want to get more serious with him until I get a job. I'm going to have to suck up my pride and go find a regular job till the shop is open in a few months. FML

Proud but sad

So ever since I quit the shop because the owner decided to sell it while we knew nothing about it, F and G got a job at another more local tattoo shop. Unfortunately I don't have anything to fall back on, I was just an apprentice so I can't just walk into a shop and be an artist like the guys. I've given up so much time and effort to have it all come crashing down on me, I've been strong since leaving D but every week its something new that strikes a blow to my brick walls. I really feel down and sad that I'm back to square one but more broke than before. I seriously just want to cry and retract from life. It would be easier for me to just give up and throw in the towel but I'm a stubborn fool so I'm just going to have to find another way to make it happen. I literally only have $14 to my name and I've got so many things I need to pay, I'm trying but its not good enough right now. I have to keep the thought that one day soon I will have all I want and need in life because I never gave up. All I can do it work on my skills and just apply at different shops for apprenticeships. The look starts tomorrow, I know I'll get denied a few times but I can't give up. I've got someone who inspires me, I don't know if he'll stay in my life for a little bit or for a good while or for the rest of my life but while he's here I'm going to take the inspiration he gives me and use it.

Work out

So I've decided to start working out again. I loved it when I was in perfect shape and the attn I got from it was awesome too! Plus an added bonus is that if I ever run into my ex while I'm in shape he'll see what he's missing. I can do this.

Time for more rambling from my heart

So I finally got the bronco home and gutted the entire inside out and bug bombed the shit out of it. My brothers and family friend are willing to help me fix him up as long as I pay for the parts. Thing is that I don't have any real money coming in at the moment, I survive off tips from the tattoo shop. I also learned that the shop is up for sale from the boss, and the fucked up part is that I had to learn via Craigslist. I can't believe I'm going to loose what I worked so hard to gain. I know F and G will be able to get a job tattooing somewhere else but not me, I'm only an apprentice and have only my basics down. If I have to tattoo out of the house again I will but don't think I will be able to learn like I can at a shop. I don't know what I'm going to do but I'll figure something out. I still need to pay my friend for the bronco but she's not in any hurry for the money. I also need to come up with another $400 to fix the bronco to how I need it. In times like these I get sad because I don't have anyone I can lean on and turn to for comfort. I have this blog that's all, I miss D a lot when I'm sad. I know he doesn't want me anymore and that he has already moved on but I still love him. I think about how I devoted myself to him and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him only to have it all ripped out of my heart. I somehow pride myself on not shedding a tear for him, but maybe that's what I need? I'm sad and have all this anger and loss of love inside of me trapped. Sometimes I just wish I could drive and drive till I end up in another town and start a new life. I don't want to be sad anymore or miss him anymore but I can't help it. I listen to one song by The Script called Nothing a lot, one part says that if she just saw how sad he was she would change her mind. I sometimes think like that and want to just end up on his doorstep asking if he'll take me back into his life.Then again I don't want to be seen as begging for his love, I want him to love me because he wants to. There are so many things that I see that would make my life so much easier but I can't reach any of them from where I'm standing. Its going to be up to me to take a step and figure something out to get what I want, I don't know if D will want to come back into my life or not but even if I'm sad I can't sit still and wait forever. I don't know what's going to happen at the shop but I'm not going to give up my tattooing passion. I am alone with no love but that doesn't mean I'm always going to be alone, one day I'll have a husband and I'll be a tattoo artist and living the life I see for myself. Its not going to come in one day but I'll have it one day.

WTF

So I saw my first bf's profile pop up on my FB and sent him a message to see how he has been, I didn't mean anything about it just to say hi. He messaged back and we txt each other all day. It was nice to catch up, i'm not looking for something romantic with him bc he has a man. I don't know if I'm going to talk to one guy bc well he stood me up and didn't call me for days then calls me out of the blue at 9 am. WTF right? Not going to play games with some guy. Oh and well it looks like my apprenticeship is about to come crashing down because the shop isn't making the money it needs and they haven't been paying the bills. I'm already ordering some supplies to start tattooing from home. Not cool.

Promises or bigger and better....still waiting for that lol

So my boss has been telling me that I'm going to be getting more machine time when the new shipment of supples comes in. Well I have my doubts about that concidering that I have to pay $20 everytime I want to tattoo on someone when we give out free tattoos everyday. I don't see why I have to pay when I'm trying to be an artist to bring money into his shop and ppl he doesn't even know get free tattoos. I don't get it but oh well right. I just want to tattoo and live my life, don't know if I'm going to stay with the shop after I'm given the ok that I passed my tattooing test. I want to try and live my life around to world tattooing and learning about the worlds tattoos. Looking at that lifestyle I don't see much time for a loved one, its a sacrifice I'm willing to make. I have been wanting to get in contact with my ex since I got back into town from my trip to Brownsville but I haven't, he's got a man and clearly is over the whole idea of being with me so I must truck on right? Talking to someone but its nothing serious, don't know if I really want it to be because of where I see my life going. Time will tell right? I have been asking myself if D ever wanted to get back together with me would I go for it? Sometimes the answer is Yes and sometimes its No, I love him and when we split I wasn't the one who wanted to be apart. I may have ended it because he fucked up but not because I didn't want to be with him anymore. I'll just continue to live my life and just focus mainly on my tattooing passion.

Why is it that everytime i see a red ford i hope and pray its D? Still miss him a lot

Been a while since I have posted

Work is going great, so happy that I'm getting a vehicle. Its a red '82 Bronco 2. It needs some work but I'm willing to put in the time and money if it means I will have my own ride. Things in my personal life are ok, I'm no longer talking to J. I have been talking to someone else but don't think its going to go very far. I would like to have something but I look at my life and see that if I do get someone then I'd have to break their heart when I move away to tattoo in another town. I can't let anyone or anything get in the way of my tattooing. The old me would have just settled and gotten a shit job and been with whoever, not anymore. I love tattooing way to much to stop now. I'm hoping to get more machine time within the next few weeks.