Hate

Hate it the word that is cut into my right arm, because it is hate that came into mind. D did it again, I don't know why he has to act like a complete asshole. I really don't know how many more days I can take of this behaviour, why does he think he needs to assert his dominance in this relationship. We are not a pair of cave men fighting for power. My anger towards life as I know it has been building and building inside me and he just doesn't help it at all, I've been driven to punching our dresser several times just so I don't hit him. Believe me I do want to knock some sense into him badly but don't see what good it will do other than to end the relationship in an instant, and then when I feel like my head is going to explode and hitting the dresser doesn't work I break out the razor blade and cut myself. I don't know why I don't just cut sigle lines like regular cutters, I tend to cut a word into my skin. In the past its been I "heart" you, I X U, LOVE, now its HATE. Wow I just noticed a pattern there...its a love/hate pattern. I know I can be very dramatic but thats me and who I am, I'm pretty sure I'm not going to change for anyone. I love D but if our fights are getting so bad as to where I'm driven to cutting myself to relieve some stress then something obviously isn't right. Hopefully this is just a small phase out relationship is going through, Yesterday was our 5year anniversary and all that crap happened. Doesn't look to good now does it, but nothing worth having is that easy now is it. It would be easier to just break up and be done with it but that is to easy. I am giong to work at this relationship and try to make it work like always, seems like I'm always trying to fix something. Feels like a job these days. I see other peoples lives from what they post and it seems like they aren't having problems, so I often wonder what's wrong in mine. I just want to be happy. I am not asking for a lot in life, a few close friends, someone who enjoys being outdoors as much as I do, who doesn't sweat the small stuff, someone who makes me say "DAMN" as soon as I see them. If I had to give up everything in order to be happy like that I feel that I would in an instant. You can always replace objects that you have lost. D is about to go to work @ 8 so I'll be by myself till about 6, is it bad that I look forward to him going to work so I don't have to argue with anyone? I don't even miss him when he is gone, I don't know if we are just lacking something in our lives together or if its finally run its course. I know what I want in life and I hope he does too, but if the two don't match up then maybe its time to move on even though we don't want to go through the pain. I just don't know what is going to happen at this point. If anyone out there happens to read this and you have an opinion please tell me even if its harsh lol. Any advise is good advise.