Alone

Every time D gets out of hand with the things he says to me I tend to go into a dark place and it seems like the world knows this. When I turn on Pandora on my laptop all these sad songs came on and made me feel even worse and every thought of D makes me want to slash my wrists and leave this world so I won't have to deal with his stuck up attitude towards me. I hate that he throws his money in my face every time we have an argument, I suppose the only way he will see me as an equal is if I make as much as him. I don't have anyone I can turn to and comfort me, I'm all alone. I know my family loves me but they have their own shit to deal with and they usually take his side, I don't have any friends to turn to because they are all out of town and I have no car. When I get down and out all I can do is turn on the music and imagine myself in a happy home without any pain, thoughts of cutting enter my mind and for a second I want to give in and watch my blood trickle out of my cuts but I don't. I don't want to be ridiculed for it but don't know any other way to escape his tormenting voice that haunts my mind. I don't know what to do anymore, some days are good and some are horribly wrong where everything turns out to be my fault one way or another. I can never do anything right and if I do it usually doesn't last very long before he knocks me back down below him. I don't talk with my mother like I would like to and now that she is slipping away from me more and more everyday I fear that my chances are flying by. I believe that if my mother passes away that I will just pack up my life and leave this town and go anywhere, anywhere but here. I hold my sanity in well but don't show my pain to many people. I hate that the one person I allow myself to be vulnerable with just ignores me and pretends that he hears nothing while I cry alone. I am invisible but when he needs something I suddenly appear and can't escape his sight. Well I suppose that this very blog is another way I am able to vent my feelings, but it still doesn't replace an actual person. Going to bed now, going to lay next to him but still feel like we are in separate worlds. Soon I hope to throw all his money back into his face.