Got my taxes done

So happy, I'm getting a good amount coming in. Finally gonna get my tattoo gear because D is going to loan me the money because he knows I can pay him back.

Well that was a bust

So I asked D for the $300 loan and well lets just say he didn't just shoot me down he blew my ass out the fucking sky. Sucks that the one person you say you love with your whole heart looks at you and tells you " go to a loan company and see if they would give you a loan without a job" that was low D really low. So now I see how it is going to be, once I get up and going on my dream don't think about asking me for jack. I will help pay bills but other than that your money is yours and mine is mine. Some fucked up relationship huh, can't believe I still say I love you after that crap. Worst part is that I just take it and don't talk back because you know I have nowhere to go if you decide to leave me and force me to move out. Let me tell you that is not a great feeling, but I guess it is what it is. I will smile and tell you I love you till the day I die but remember what you deny me of and know that karma works both ways. I never asked to just give me the money but to simply loan it to me and trust in me that I can make my dream come true, but you don't and that hurts bad. I see you so anxious to hand out hundreds and thousands to your family without hesitation and you know you will never see this money again. It just hurts.

Please say it isn't so

So my sister just called me and said my mom was at the store and when she came out my car wasn't there, she thinks someone stole it. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!! I hope the cops can find it bc i think there is a low jack system on it. It has most of my baby nieces stuff in it as well like car seat and other junk. Damn why did this have to happen, the inspection sticker is out on it too so nobody should have been driving it in the first place.

Getting anxious

Hopefully getting my W2 forms in and sending my income tax off. I need that money bad, think I might ask D for a loan until I get the money. Just don't know if he will lend it to me, sad that I am scared to ask my bf for money to make money. I don't have high hopes for him actually lending to me but what is the harm in asking right? Wish me luck world.

Getting closer and closer

I am getting closer and closer to finally getting my tattoo equipment, I am so anxious to cash in my W2s and get that cash. I don't know if D is to happy that I am going to be following my passion but I know that he has stuck by me no matter what. I am going to be working with my friend TJ to learn some tattoo techniques, I have some raw talent so I hope its enough to get some cash in my pocket. Wish me luck for when I finally get my equipment.

Volkswagen Commercial: The Force

hilarious

Meaningless

My life feels so meaningless right now, I don't have a job even though I have been trying to land something since last year. This is not a great way to start the new year, I just know that if I can get enough money together to get some great tattoo equipment the rest will fall into place. It can really open up doors for me but in order to do all that I have to acquire a job and get some money. I want to ask D to buy the stuff for me but he will never do that because he doesn't trust me. I just can't get a break anywhere, man I just feel so damn helpless. I feel as though D would rather spend every cent he has on his family that he hardly ever sees than help me out. It has always been like this, I want to rely on him but I can't. He tells me that I am making my way here at the apt because I don't have a job I'm suppose to have everything clean. Just because I don't have some GM job at some burger flipping place doesn't mean I have to clean your crap up every second of my life. If this was truly a "partnership" he would see that I need help getting my tattooing career off the ground and give me the help I need instead of always telling me that if I had a job i could pay for it myself. I'm trying but some days just don't feel worth getting out of bed to hear that I'm not cleaning enough or that I don't cook enough or just that I'm not good enough. Makes the razor blade more and more tempting to me, just to feel that instant relief from all this crap. No more worrying about him coming home and pointing out that I didn't do this and that, no more restless nights thinking about how my mother feels, no more worrying about anything in this life. If I could have three wishes I'd wish for a happy healthy family, have a tattoo shop of my own, and not have someone constantly telling me that what I do isn't good enough. I am who I am, so if you are reading this just make up your mind already. Either accept me for who and how I am or ask me to leave, I know you know I have always accepted how you are without hesitation. Guess I'm just tired of waking up and my first thoughts are "what is he going to complain about now?" or "what are we going to fight about now?"