Its not official yet but.....

So I let N know how I feel about him and what we could have together and he feels the same way. He's taking me to the movies tonight and we're going to talk about the potential relationship. He's been hurt like I have its just that mine is more recent but that still doesn't mean he isn't just as hurt as I am. I know what its like to be lied to and so does he, I know that I will always be honest and faithful. I'm taking a risk that he will be to. I like him so much so that I'm willing to put myself out there and be vulnerable. More to come hopefully great news to share with you guys.

Am I ready to take the plunge again????

So things with N are going great and well today he asked me what I think about us potentially being a couple. I thought about it and I couldn't find anything negative to point out. He's been 100% honest with me from the start and usually I find something about the guys I date to be wrong but with him I can't. I don't find myself thinking about D anymore I just think about N. I smile everytime I see him or think about him, he makes me feel so damn comfortable. I think I'm ready to put myself out there again, its been one hell of a journey to get to where I am now. Things are slowly starting to get better and I have N to thank because when I was sad and ready to just throw in the towel he didn't let me stay down he made me smile and see that things always get better. If things take a more serious turn I'm not going to turn and run the other way, I'm going to allow myself to be vulnerable with him and let him know that I am ready to be with him. I just hope he feels the same way. I'm not saying we're going to get the wedding bells ready more like being exclusive instead of just dating. I'd proudly call him mine if he calls me his :)

A bit worried

So I had a job interview today and it went great, I didn't expect to find out that the manager was a fellow tattoo artist. She was so happy to find another person who knew about tattoos other than "oh they look cool" lol, we talked for about 30 mins. talking about tattooing and completely forgot the interview. She then realized that I was suppose to get an interview and just decided to pass me and send my backround check off. They only thing that worries me is that my backround isn't the best in the world, I just hope it goes through because I really need this job for the money. She told me its strictly seasonal and I told her that I wasn't trying to be rude but that's all I really wanted and to not have a career out of her job lol. She knew I want to be a tattoo artist so she didn't mind. Its $9.50 and hour overnights, I need this. Wish me luck guys :)

Happy Halloween

Best Halloween so far, I went on a mini date with N and had an amazing time. I like spending time with him and holding his hand when we're driving. I'm super comfortable with him. He took me for ice cream and we sat outside on a bench close and just talked. I love the fact that he's ok with showing that he's gay in public, its not like we were kissing  just sitting close and not caring what the small minded ppl of West Texas thought. This little girl came up to us and asked if she could take our picture because we reminded her of her uncles, I'm pretty sure that wasn't the case but we let her anyways. We've already scheduled another date for Friday to go see the new Harold and Kumar movie, oh yeah I almost forgot that I have a job interview at Toys R Us as an overnight stocker. I really hope I get the position because I need the money BAD. I hope it doesn't interfeer with my date on Friday. I hope eveyone had a great Halloween this year, be safe and have fun. Keep yall posted on how things are going with N :)

Halloween alone

I got invited to go celebrate Halloween with N but I'm not feeling up to it. I'm just not feeling like I'm very worthy yet because well I don't have a job, a vehicle, money. I leterally feel like one of those dead beat boyfriends only without the title boyfriend. N doesn't bring up the fact that I don't have a job or car or money so I don't know if it bothers him, I just don't want to be an embarrasement. I've started putting in some applications for some jobs to help me pay bills but I haven't heard back from any of them yet, but on a nother note I am going to tattoo my friend J and he's going to pay me. I am so fucking happy. Ok I side tracked a bit lol, back to N. Everyday he makes me feel more and more special and opens up in new ways too, I like how he told me that  he hates it that I'm sad and if I can think of any way for him to help to not hesitate to tell him and he'll do it. Its very comforting to know how much he cares already. I miss being close to him and hearing him talk about his day and well kissing him. He's a phenominal kisser!!! We haven't had sex though so I don't have anything to report on that ha ha, but I will when it finally happens. I was suppose to go to a Halloween party with him and stay the night with him but wasn't feeling to cheerful. I really wanted to stay with him but not in this mood that I'm in. I want our time together to be a happy one, one without the stress of having to find a job or being broke.

No job = FML

I am having a hard time dealing with life while I'm broke. I have so many things that I need to pay and being broke isn't really an option but its what I've been dealt. I literally dread getting a regular day job but what else am I suppose to do. I also haven't heard from  F or G since we left the dying shop. I've been really depressed because they got to move on to a job where they are making money and I'm SOL. I just want to fucking learn to tattoo and tattoo for the rest of my life. I got the numbers for my friends tattoo shop ready for him but that still doesn't do me any good because the shop won't be open for another few months due to having to renovate it a building to suit the standards of the Texas Health Dept. and get the tattoo and piercing license. I've been talking to a great guy but lately I've been stressed with not having any money that its affecting what we've got. I will admit that I'm ashamed that I've got no money and think to myself that he's not going to want to date someone who is broke like me. It has really been bothering me. My self confidence has really taken a blow these last few days since I left the shop. N has really been making me happy and I love spending time with him. If only I could make the money I need I could have it all: a job, a car, my career, a man. The last one isn't necessary but he makes me happy and I want to feel like I'm not some dead beat loser if we get more serious. In fact I don't want to get more serious with him until I get a job. I'm going to have to suck up my pride and go find a regular job till the shop is open in a few months. FML

Proud but sad

So ever since I quit the shop because the owner decided to sell it while we knew nothing about it, F and G got a job at another more local tattoo shop. Unfortunately I don't have anything to fall back on, I was just an apprentice so I can't just walk into a shop and be an artist like the guys. I've given up so much time and effort to have it all come crashing down on me, I've been strong since leaving D but every week its something new that strikes a blow to my brick walls. I really feel down and sad that I'm back to square one but more broke than before. I seriously just want to cry and retract from life. It would be easier for me to just give up and throw in the towel but I'm a stubborn fool so I'm just going to have to find another way to make it happen. I literally only have $14 to my name and I've got so many things I need to pay, I'm trying but its not good enough right now. I have to keep the thought that one day soon I will have all I want and need in life because I never gave up. All I can do it work on my skills and just apply at different shops for apprenticeships. The look starts tomorrow, I know I'll get denied a few times but I can't give up. I've got someone who inspires me, I don't know if he'll stay in my life for a little bit or for a good while or for the rest of my life but while he's here I'm going to take the inspiration he gives me and use it.