Time for more rambling from my heart

So I finally got the bronco home and gutted the entire inside out and bug bombed the shit out of it. My brothers and family friend are willing to help me fix him up as long as I pay for the parts. Thing is that I don't have any real money coming in at the moment, I survive off tips from the tattoo shop. I also learned that the shop is up for sale from the boss, and the fucked up part is that I had to learn via Craigslist. I can't believe I'm going to loose what I worked so hard to gain. I know F and G will be able to get a job tattooing somewhere else but not me, I'm only an apprentice and have only my basics down. If I have to tattoo out of the house again I will but don't think I will be able to learn like I can at a shop. I don't know what I'm going to do but I'll figure something out. I still need to pay my friend for the bronco but she's not in any hurry for the money. I also need to come up with another $400 to fix the bronco to how I need it. In times like these I get sad because I don't have anyone I can lean on and turn to for comfort. I have this blog that's all, I miss D a lot when I'm sad. I know he doesn't want me anymore and that he has already moved on but I still love him. I think about how I devoted myself to him and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him only to have it all ripped out of my heart. I somehow pride myself on not shedding a tear for him, but maybe that's what I need? I'm sad and have all this anger and loss of love inside of me trapped. Sometimes I just wish I could drive and drive till I end up in another town and start a new life. I don't want to be sad anymore or miss him anymore but I can't help it. I listen to one song by The Script called Nothing a lot, one part says that if she just saw how sad he was she would change her mind. I sometimes think like that and want to just end up on his doorstep asking if he'll take me back into his life.Then again I don't want to be seen as begging for his love, I want him to love me because he wants to. There are so many things that I see that would make my life so much easier but I can't reach any of them from where I'm standing. Its going to be up to me to take a step and figure something out to get what I want, I don't know if D will want to come back into my life or not but even if I'm sad I can't sit still and wait forever. I don't know what's going to happen at the shop but I'm not going to give up my tattooing passion. I am alone with no love but that doesn't mean I'm always going to be alone, one day I'll have a husband and I'll be a tattoo artist and living the life I see for myself. Its not going to come in one day but I'll have it one day.