Alone

Every time D gets out of hand with the things he says to me I tend to go into a dark place and it seems like the world knows this. When I turn on Pandora on my laptop all these sad songs came on and made me feel even worse and every thought of D makes me want to slash my wrists and leave this world so I won't have to deal with his stuck up attitude towards me. I hate that he throws his money in my face every time we have an argument, I suppose the only way he will see me as an equal is if I make as much as him. I don't have anyone I can turn to and comfort me, I'm all alone. I know my family loves me but they have their own shit to deal with and they usually take his side, I don't have any friends to turn to because they are all out of town and I have no car. When I get down and out all I can do is turn on the music and imagine myself in a happy home without any pain, thoughts of cutting enter my mind and for a second I want to give in and watch my blood trickle out of my cuts but I don't. I don't want to be ridiculed for it but don't know any other way to escape his tormenting voice that haunts my mind. I don't know what to do anymore, some days are good and some are horribly wrong where everything turns out to be my fault one way or another. I can never do anything right and if I do it usually doesn't last very long before he knocks me back down below him. I don't talk with my mother like I would like to and now that she is slipping away from me more and more everyday I fear that my chances are flying by. I believe that if my mother passes away that I will just pack up my life and leave this town and go anywhere, anywhere but here. I hold my sanity in well but don't show my pain to many people. I hate that the one person I allow myself to be vulnerable with just ignores me and pretends that he hears nothing while I cry alone. I am invisible but when he needs something I suddenly appear and can't escape his sight. Well I suppose that this very blog is another way I am able to vent my feelings, but it still doesn't replace an actual person. Going to bed now, going to lay next to him but still feel like we are in separate worlds. Soon I hope to throw all his money back into his face.

So I finally Inked myself

I got the courage up and iked myself, touched up a cherry blossom tat I got a while back. Its passable but could have done better that's for sure but I know I will get better as time passes.

Yay we are going to Balmorhea, TX

D's family lives in Balmorhea, TX and we are going to see them and hopefully its hot enough Thursday for us to go swimming. I love swimming in the water there because its so clear and fresh, I have never been able to swim all the way down to the bottom or even close enough to see the water coming out from the spring. They say you can see the sand bubbling up from where the water is coming out of the ground, one day though lol. D doesn't really like to leave me alone because there are usually a lot of hot bears there and I can't help but look and appreciate them ha ha, but its just looking for me. I can't wait to be able to tan and not be so blah. I wish D would push aside his fear and show me some affection, not saying to grope me and have a full on make out session in front of everyone...just hold my hand or even pay attention to me and not act like I'm just your friend. It really hurts my feelings but what am I gonna do, start a fight and potentially break up and be stranded in Balmorhea...I don't think so!!!! Even though it always hurts my feelings I can't waste a good relationship because of that. One day he will gather the courage and hold my hand in public and tell me he loves me and on that day I will know that he truly means it from the bottom of his heart. If your not willing to go out of your comfort zone for the one you love then your not fully committed to them, I pray he will come to be the man I need him to be in time. So for now I'll act content with being pushed aside for a few days while he spends time with his family and speak Spanish while I sit and act like I even listen to what they are saying. Good thing I can take my laptop and get online. Well I'll try posting up some picks of Balmorhea when I get back or while I'm in Balmorhea, so hope to get to use my underwater camcorder tomorrow so I can post some underwater pics for you guys. Oh I almost forgot, thank you everyone who reads my blog even though all I do is nag lol. You make my words mean something and don't make me feel like its a waste of time. Even though I cannot hear you or see you it feels nice to be acknowledged.

So I finished a few more practice tattoos

I think I'm a lot better now since I started a few days ago, my hand is getting used to the weight of the machines and I'm starting to shade a whole lot better. My lines are still a little shaky but thats because I don't take breaks like I should but I'm still learning and sure that in time I will be able to tattoo straight lines perfectly. I am so glad that D puts up with the loud humming sound my machines make, he has been very supportive of me ever since I started. I also ordered some more equipment, I am getting very fast at setting up my station now and even started dabbling in mixing my inks to get a different shade. I have been talking to a fellow artist and he has been giving me pointers here and there, I am very glad that I joined the site for tattoo artists. Well more to come hopefully!!!

If you take her I will seek revenge against you

My mom is sick and not looking to good, she has been battling cancer since I was a young boy. She has gone into remission a few times but the SOB just always comes back and ruins our lives. She grows weaker everyday and has a constant pain in her stomach and chest. The doctors never have any good news to tell her, it just seems to keep getting worse. If she is taken away from me I will scream to the heavens my hatred.


If you take her from me,
I will avenge her death with yours,
I plead with you and offer my own soul for you to take,
Just don't take her from me,
I ask of you triple goddess and horned god to bless my actions,
Grant me to power to save thy mother from the darkness of death,
Grant me the power to seek revenge on the world for wanting to take her pure light from my sight,
Her work is not done on this world,
If you take her from me,
You will have to deal with me and all my wrath.

:)

So D called me today and he apologized for last night, I think me choosing to sleep on the couch gave him plenty of alone time to think things over. I told him that I was still upset over the way talked to me and treats me unfairly and he said he was sorry, I reassured him that I wouldn't tell him about my chat site if I was planning on cheating. I love him and see us together for a long time, he knows me like no other person will ever know me.

Forced to wait another day :(

So I found out that my packages are not coming Wednesday but on Thursday, I don't know why that is so but whatever. I at least get to have them together, so that's a yay!! Just don't know what I'm going to do today since I was waiting for it to get here and I could dive right in. Oh and the situation with D still isn't good, we are not talking.

Get over it and live life D

I seriously don't know why D is tripping over the fact that I am on a tattoo chat site, yes I'm telling you all about it while I am checking out guys and hitting on them. Your so damn dumb D get over your untrusting shit and grow up, and how dare you tell me that while I live under your roof I need to obey your rules and not be on the chat site that is helping me with all my tattoo questions and make contacts across America. If you really don't like it then just be respectful and keep it to yourself and never tell me to OBEY your rules, I am your partner and you need to respect me and my dream or we just might need to go separate ways. I don't want you to put something so silly like a chat site between us, I don't know what your problem is but your just going to have to find someway around it because I'm not stopping. I am starting my dream and nobody on this earth is going to be able to stop me from reaching it, if it leads me to being single and alone while reaching it then so be it. But I would much rather prefer that you are there by my side enjoying life beside me, I said I don't want to break up anymore and finally live together with you for the rest of our lives. If that is not what you want then say so and I will leave, I want to be happy with you but if you don't want to be happy with me then I can't stop you now can I. Make up your mind already, are you going to be a selfish and stubborn child or be the man I love and stand by my side like I stand by yours? You don't have to tell me anything because your actions will tell me everything.

Only a few more hours

So I am going to be ordering my first tattoo supplies later on today. I wanted to do it last night but my friend B wasn't online to help me so I am going to give him a call tomorrow after I add mins to my phone. I am so excited to get the stuff.

Got my taxes done

So happy, I'm getting a good amount coming in. Finally gonna get my tattoo gear because D is going to loan me the money because he knows I can pay him back.

Well that was a bust

So I asked D for the $300 loan and well lets just say he didn't just shoot me down he blew my ass out the fucking sky. Sucks that the one person you say you love with your whole heart looks at you and tells you " go to a loan company and see if they would give you a loan without a job" that was low D really low. So now I see how it is going to be, once I get up and going on my dream don't think about asking me for jack. I will help pay bills but other than that your money is yours and mine is mine. Some fucked up relationship huh, can't believe I still say I love you after that crap. Worst part is that I just take it and don't talk back because you know I have nowhere to go if you decide to leave me and force me to move out. Let me tell you that is not a great feeling, but I guess it is what it is. I will smile and tell you I love you till the day I die but remember what you deny me of and know that karma works both ways. I never asked to just give me the money but to simply loan it to me and trust in me that I can make my dream come true, but you don't and that hurts bad. I see you so anxious to hand out hundreds and thousands to your family without hesitation and you know you will never see this money again. It just hurts.

Please say it isn't so

So my sister just called me and said my mom was at the store and when she came out my car wasn't there, she thinks someone stole it. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!! I hope the cops can find it bc i think there is a low jack system on it. It has most of my baby nieces stuff in it as well like car seat and other junk. Damn why did this have to happen, the inspection sticker is out on it too so nobody should have been driving it in the first place.

Getting anxious

Hopefully getting my W2 forms in and sending my income tax off. I need that money bad, think I might ask D for a loan until I get the money. Just don't know if he will lend it to me, sad that I am scared to ask my bf for money to make money. I don't have high hopes for him actually lending to me but what is the harm in asking right? Wish me luck world.

Getting closer and closer

I am getting closer and closer to finally getting my tattoo equipment, I am so anxious to cash in my W2s and get that cash. I don't know if D is to happy that I am going to be following my passion but I know that he has stuck by me no matter what. I am going to be working with my friend TJ to learn some tattoo techniques, I have some raw talent so I hope its enough to get some cash in my pocket. Wish me luck for when I finally get my equipment.

Volkswagen Commercial: The Force

hilarious