Numb

Lately I've been feeling like I'm seperate from everyone and everything. I tend to find myself thinking about the past and everything remins me of what was. Honestly I don't even remember when I left D, my days have all blurred together. I feel my heart aching inside my chest, it wants to be loved and not be invisible but at the same time is scared of the unknown. Sometimes I just want to be numb from this world so that I can get through the days. I see that my clouded mind has greatly affected my drawing and tattooing, I love it but been dazing off while at the shop. I just have so much running through my head all the time. I want to know if he has really moved on, and if he has I want him to tell me to stop loving him. I know a lot of people would say that I don't need him because of what he did, but sometimes I just want what I want. I remember crying in his arms when I first found out that my mom was sick again, and he was the only one who saw my tears when I would cry everyday. He wasn't always to thrilled that I tattooed at the apt but he never told me to give up. I remember always knowing what he was thinking and how he felt. That was the scary part, because I knew when he was talking to other men and when he wasn't. Right now I feel like curling up in bed and crying while feeling his arms around me. If I can no longer have that feeling then I'll have to learn to cope and move on, there will always be a spot for him in my heart. I just don't know if there is still a spot for me in his. I just have to keep moving forward with my life, don't let anybody in to disrupt my focus. I will put on a smile for the world to see while I cry on the inside for what I've lost. As far as anyone knows at work my life is perfectly in order, shows how trusting I really am.

The X again

So I sent my x a message on FB today and later asked my sis if that was a stupid thing to have done. She then informed me that he was already seeing someone else. Yeah it hurt a bit to know that it was that easy for him to move on, then again he did cheat on me so its not a complete surprise. I don't know what to think anymore, I'm not going to bug him about anything so I just messaged him back saying that I know he is now with someone else and that he should just disregard that last message. I know I hated how he cheated on me so I'm not going to give him the opportunity to cheat again on someone else. I'm just so tired of being alone and having horrible luck with guys. I'm sad and mad and just want to hate the world right now but it won't make me feel any better so I'm just going to let it all go and just not want any relationship. It does suck that I'm still in love with my x and still want to be with him even after all that he has done to me. Hopefully I can leave all this behind when I finish up my apprenticeship and move away from Texas.

Hate giving guys a chance to fuck up my world,going to shut them out for a while.

Moving on up

So I did 4 awesome tattoos today, guess I've really proven to my boss and the other artists that I've got what it takes to get some machine time. I wasn't expecting to get an amazing tip from one guy I tattooed on, then after he was done he put a deposit down on another tattoo for me to do on Monday. I feel very accomplished and that I've shown how good of an artist I am. I started work on a Koi tattoo but going to finish it Sunday. I love what I do, I'm never going back to working at a normal job ever again.

Part 1

So I finally got my rib tattoo started, but unfortunately for me the apprentice tattoos can only be worked on till 4 pm so we had to stop. I at least got my outline done and a little bit of shading in, going to heal up and when I'm ready I'm going to add in the color. Its going to fucking hurt I know it lol, but its well worth it. I don't want to post up pics of my unfinished tattoo just yet so when its done I'm def going to post it up. P says I wimped out bc it was super painful, well I don't see him with a rib tattoo so I don't know how he can bs me about mine. I'm not gonna lie it kinda bothered me, I just don't like someone telling me that I pussed out when I know thats not the case. I'm just going to cool off and not make it into a big deal, I like him and don't want some little comment that more than likely was a joke ruin what we've got.  Oh and I did my first tattoo on a real client today and got tipped big time!!!! I had a bad ass fucking day today!!! Hope I get to do more tattoos now that they know I can bust em out like the pros.

Taking the day off

I am taking the day off from the shop so I don't run myself into the ground. I chose to take to today because its one of the non busy days for the tattoo shop so they can handle it without me. I need some rest and time to get my stuff correct. I definately want to start working out today and go for a nice long bike ride. I am planning on touching up my drawing for the rib piece tattoo that I want and catching up on all the anime that I've not been able to watch. I've been talking to P more and more lately and it seems things are back on track and maybe going better than ever. I'm still not making any life changing choices but I'm really enjoying talking with him. I'm just going to enjoy my day off and try not to stress about the shop, I got to do tattoos so far but nothing truly challenging. I did a little piggy and some black and grey shading on one of the artists existing tattoo. I want to lay down some new lines and color some fresh skin, I know I'll get that opportunity soon enough so not rushing anything. More to come.

Can't lose my focus.

So I've lost 2 great apprentices, but you know what I'm not going to throw a pity party over it. I'm just going to take up their slack and keep busting ass like I've been doing. They didn't make me lead apprentice for nothing right? I've been working on getting more and more apprentices and letting people know about it but its taking a little while to get them in the door and to take the test. Its down to 3 apprentices now, Me...Lil Bit....and Flash!!! Whoever I hire on have some big shoes to fill and us three have set the bar fucking high. I like having a manager for the tattoo artists and shop bc when I need imput I can collaborate with them to decide what to do. Had a fucking blast though, put out some bad ass tattoos today and it fucking rained for once. Did only 2 free tattoos today, thats fucking awesome!!!! Proud of us 3 apprentices for always being there for each other and showing that we are here till the end. On a side note the guy I've been having some complications with finally messaged me back and kinda got things figured out. I just have to say that if you know your going to be busy at least give someone a heads up as to why you haven't talked to them in the past 2-3 days. Its ok bc I'm not mad and I don't hold anything against someone, I have told myself that if he is still around when I'm done with my apprenticeship I'm going to try and make it work with him. I like him a lot and am willing to give him a chance if he's willing to try as well. I like that he respects that I have this apprenticeship to finish. Ok everyone, I'm off to bed goodnight . WOOF!!