Volkswagen Commercial: The Force

hilarious

Meaningless

My life feels so meaningless right now, I don't have a job even though I have been trying to land something since last year. This is not a great way to start the new year, I just know that if I can get enough money together to get some great tattoo equipment the rest will fall into place. It can really open up doors for me but in order to do all that I have to acquire a job and get some money. I want to ask D to buy the stuff for me but he will never do that because he doesn't trust me. I just can't get a break anywhere, man I just feel so damn helpless. I feel as though D would rather spend every cent he has on his family that he hardly ever sees than help me out. It has always been like this, I want to rely on him but I can't. He tells me that I am making my way here at the apt because I don't have a job I'm suppose to have everything clean. Just because I don't have some GM job at some burger flipping place doesn't mean I have to clean your crap up every second of my life. If this was truly a "partnership" he would see that I need help getting my tattooing career off the ground and give me the help I need instead of always telling me that if I had a job i could pay for it myself. I'm trying but some days just don't feel worth getting out of bed to hear that I'm not cleaning enough or that I don't cook enough or just that I'm not good enough. Makes the razor blade more and more tempting to me, just to feel that instant relief from all this crap. No more worrying about him coming home and pointing out that I didn't do this and that, no more restless nights thinking about how my mother feels, no more worrying about anything in this life. If I could have three wishes I'd wish for a happy healthy family, have a tattoo shop of my own, and not have someone constantly telling me that what I do isn't good enough. I am who I am, so if you are reading this just make up your mind already. Either accept me for who and how I am or ask me to leave, I know you know I have always accepted how you are without hesitation. Guess I'm just tired of waking up and my first thoughts are "what is he going to complain about now?" or "what are we going to fight about now?"

Hoping to land a job soon

So I had a job interview on Thursday and I am keeping my fingers crossed about getting it. I like the details about the job functions and what I would be doing, there are some opportunities to advance in the company so I like that. The pay is good enough to fund my tattoo gear and pay some pretty good bills that need paying. I know I will have to catch up on my car payments and also get my phone bill paid off so I can turn it back on and have an actual phone instead of this crummy prepaid cell phone. I'm not going to get my hopes up for nothing but I can still have some optimism about it. I need something really bad so lets hope this works out for me.

WTF

So I get home from an interview and D asks me how it went, so I simply replied " it went fine." Then he stares at me for almost a minute until I ask him, "are you okay babe?" and he said "no nothing is wrong." so I leave to start making us some food to eat. Well he has the radio on and starts looking at some videos so he mutes it for a good 10 minutes. I take that as a cue that I can use it, so I get to the radio and he raises his voice at me telling me that he is still using it and is going to use it after he watches his videos. I said okay and went to get my mp3 player and listen to it while I cook and put up some laundry. When I started getting the laundry ready to put up he comes into the room and closes the door and asks me why I was ignoring him since I got home. I was so lost because I asked him if anything was wrong with him earlier and he said nothing and now he is complaining that I am ignoring him. Well we started arguing about everything and he starts telling me that I don't clean like he wants basically and telling me that if I wasn't going to work I have to clean the apt for him. Basically telling me that if I don't make money I have to be his Bitch. I hate that he acts like this but I just suck up his mean words because I can't afford to stand up to him and be kicked out. My mothers house is the only place I have to go. I love him but can't take being talked down to, I won't deny that I can't clean like he likes because I'm not him. I try my hardest to look for job, shit I just came from an interview before he started fighting with me. He gets me to the point where I just want to break something and yell at the top of my lungs, then when I do he always makes me feel worse and like shit. I hate taking it but what can I do, I just hope that when I get a job he will back off and finally just let us be happy. If it doesn't change I fear that we will leave each other again, he already says that I act like I don't live there like he wants me to say "yes I want to leave." I want to stay with him, but he needs to back off me and stop putting me down so much. I know what to do just hate the consequences of it all. I just wish we could be in the same room and not fight.

Homemaker

So D gave me a choice, he said I can become a complete house husband and not have to find a job anymore or find a job. Well I like the idea of staying at home and making it nice and comfy for him when he comes home from work, but I don't know if its for me. I started sending out applications and resumes and well I got an immediate call back from one place today. It is a drug screening job that is based in Odessa, TX but the position I applied for is in Midland, TX where I drive around and test people. I don't know all the details about this job but it seems fun because I will get a company vehicle to drive around all day and collect pp from random strangers ha ha. I have to go to their office tomorrow at 1:30pm so I hope D has time to take me.

Showcasing my work that I have done so far.

So I decided to post my art work that I have done so far, I am putting together a portfolio to show off to future tattoo artists for an apprenticeship. I hope whoever looks at my blog enjoys my drawings :)

Complicated

Lately I have been listening to Rihanna's song Complicated, it makes me think about my relationship with Daniel. She really hit the nail on the head with this one song lol :) Its so complicated between Daniel and me because of all the stuff we have put each other through but we both can't ever find the strength to leave each other. I love him more than any other man I have ever loved, hope he is really the one for me. I don't think I would want to live without him even if he is complicated :)