Working

Wow the wind today is horrible, and I have to work in it.

Didn't last long now did it

I left N, well his words " I don't have time for any relationship" let me know its time to say goodbye. Then he says " I truly cared about you", yeah if he truly cared about me he wouldn't have started a relationship with me if he couldn't handle being in one. Thanksgiving blows this year ugh FML, Xmas is going to suck even more beause the past 5 xmas' I've been by D's side. I don't want to be without him anymore but that's not my choice to make is it? I love him with all my heart but he doesn't love me, I'd like to know how he stopped loving me and what I did that was so bad for him to move on. I guess I'll never know, I think I'm destined to live with a missing piece in my heart where D's love is suppose to go. If your reading this D just know that I love you forever and always. I'm not to proud to say that I want to be back by your side.

it took this long huh?

I can't get over how much I miss D, I feel like crying on someone's shoulder but I can't because I have nobody. I don't have any friends to turn to because I don't have any that are close to me like that. I'm alone in life right now, I'm tired of this feeling. I remember how I would cry on D's shoulder or in his arms when I first heard that my mom's cancer was back. It didn't matter what time it was, he would hold me and not let go till I was done. I felt safe with him, I just want that feeling back. I could tell him anything, fuck I miss him.

no phone till payday

So I may have given my phone a love tap that was to hard and cracked the screen, now I have to wait till I get paid on Friday to get a new one FML right lol. I told N and well he kinda freaked out on me, basically made it seem like I'm some violent monster who beats people. I'm not perfect nor have I ever claimed to be perfect, I made a mistake and I'm the one who has to pay for it not him or anyone else so why does he have to insist that I'm one step away from doing a killing spree. He keeps saying that he sees a lot of red flags already, well I see a lot more. He has no time for me because of his busy life, he might move away when he lands a job out of city or state, feels like everytime we are able to be together its just a sexual attraction. He says that he can't give me 100% of himself because he might move away and his busy life, so now I find myself asking myself if I want to wait to be dumped. I thought I finally found a great guy but like always its to good to be true. I have already told myself that it might work out in time, so that's what I'm giving it. If something else arises I'm just going to end it, I don't want to be in a relationship that's full of problems. I also remembered that it was D's bday a few days ago, having problems with N and D's birthday has gotten me into a sad mood. I still miss him, it doesn't help that everytime a relationship doesn't work out I think about him more and more. I can't replace him with anyone else, but he doesn't want me so what am I to do? It also sucks because we've spent xmas together for the past 5 years, I hate to decorate but I miss watching him decorate and force me to help him. I don't know if he reads my blog anymore.

Another one....FML

So its starting to look like things are to good to be true with N. We never spend time together or text anymore. We were suppose to spend some time together this past weekend but his family came to see him so we didn't, I was really bummed that I didn't see him. I later told him how I felt but didn't want him to think I want him to ever choose me over his family. Things have kinda gone down hill since then, we don't talk as much anymore. I'd hate to say that its a failed attempt at a relationship but its looking like it. I'm going to hold on a bit longer to see if this just a tiny bump in the road. I know it would be a lot easier if I had betty working, but if this falls through then I'll move on like always.

First day at work

So my first day at work was tuesday but I forgot to post lol, it wasn't very busy and I enjoyed it. I was at the wash bay cleaning the cars and found that I got into the groove of things very fast and started knocking them out like nothing. I was suppose to be off Wed and Thurs but my handsome boss asked me if I could come in on either of those days so I told him I'd be in on Thurs at 7am. Little did I know that it's going to be fucking 30 degrees in the morning and by the time I leave work it'll only be 60 degrees. FML right ha ha!!! Its ok though as long as I stay busy I don't think I'll be that cold. My brother is trying to help me get a different job where I will be making more money so I'll see how that goes. More money means I'll get to fix Betty faster and get a better phone because the one I have now is crapping out on me not to mention that I'll be able to finally pay my phone. I don't have the money to pay it so its going to be cut off tomorrow and I won't be able to talk to N unless I'm at home via FB since he lives in Odessa and I live in Midland. He's super busy and we barely get to see each other in person so me having my phone cut off is a major bump in the road. I'll get to see him this weekend hopefully, I sure do miss being in his arms. One thing that made my day was that my sis told me that D's new man is ugly and that my man is a huge upgrade from D. I just smiled so big because D chose 20% over 80% and now he's stuck with an ugly guy who probably doesn't do what I did for him. N is the lucky one now as am I for being able to be with N, he makes me happy and is very supportive. I can tell that he truly cares about me like I care about him. As of now I know that I would not take D back if he came around, to many lies between me and him to be happy on any level.

Finally

I got a call from Enterprise and its the call I've been needing. I got the jod and I start tomorrow, from what I gather its a set schedule Fri-Tues with Wed and Thurs off. Its only $8 and hour but hey that's better than making $0 a day. First things first get my phone and bronco paid for, then start investing in fixing my black betty. Oh that's what I've decided on calling my bronco I'm going to paint it black and call her Black Betty :) I'll let you guys know how the job goes tomorrow.