Sometimes music takes the words right out of my mouth

This is how I feel when I think about D. 

Why do you keep coming back?

If your so happy with him now then ask yourself why you keep checking up on my life? I've already said that I will always love you no matter what, even though you hurt me. I am strong enough to look past that and just move on from that, I wouldn't have made myself look like a complete dumb ass trying to get a hold of you and asking your brother and my sister if you were single or if you missed me if I didn't want to be with you. You gave me mixed signals when you hugged me and told me you always thought about me yet say your with someone else, time is not on your side. I can't wait forever for you to decide if you want him or me, I'm not going to allow myself to be the second choice if shit hits the fan with him. Either you want to be with me or you want to be with him. If its him then fine, I'll be happy for you just don't give me some hope that your still thinking about me. If you want to be with me then man up and say so. I'm working my ass off to achieve my dream and live a fantastic life for myself, you can choose to either be apart of that because you love me or let me go for good. What I want from you is to be an honest man and love me for the rest of my life like you first promised me when you first said you loved me, no more secrets or talking to other men. Just have complete faith in each other. I can do that, just tell me you want me and we will be. No games or beating around the bush. Life is to short for all that, you know I love you so come and get me I'm right here D.

Didn't think I would be ok

I honestly did think that I'd be able to funtion today since I got my heart trampled on by D but you know what. I'm having a fucking awesome day lol. It hurt at first and felt like every breath was going to be my last but after a good sleep and some time around my awesome shop family I started feeling happy and realized that if D has moved on then I as least know that there isn't any false hope. I don't have to keep thinking if he's going to be with me now, he's moved on and happy so why should I keep dwelling on being single. I may not have a man but I'm fucking happy and thats all that matters. I love myself enough to just keep going, if D does decide to be with me then thats fucking great but if he doesn't then thats fucking great too :)

Comparison

Seems like I compare every man that I like to my X, idk if that's fair but its what I tend to do. Right now nobody is good enough for me, then again I can easily not be good enough for them. Its a fine line that I walk along, seems like I'm destined to fail if I keep measuring them up to the greatest loves of my life. If you know how I feel please tell me how you got through this. I need some help any help.

Way to send mixed signals

So I met with my X today, was happy to see him. Miss hugging him and being so close to him. Then it got a little crazy, he said he always thinks about me yet he says he's not in love with me just loves me. Wow mixed signals right? He's got a new man but the way he was hugging me didn't seem like he did. I love him and would get back with him if he wanted to but I'm not going to play games or be the other man or be the back up if it doesn't work out with ol boy. I will not wait forever, I wish him all the happiness with whoever this guys is. If you want me then make your move, one way I think about it is "do I really want to live my life without this person I've given my heart to?" If you can honestly think about me and say you don't see yourself with me for the rest of your life then we'll just never talk again, but if you can't deny that you still want me then fuck everyone else and just love me. I've said all I wanted to say and you know how I feel, its in your hands now. You have my number, you know where I live, don't hesitate to say something.

Ha Ha I get the point

I get now that its not going to happen between me and my x nor anyone else. It makes me sad but it is what it is, I'm just going to admit defeat in the battle of love. Its so funny because I try to be a good person and no love is my payment, I'm done being a caring person. Call me loveless from now on because I walk alone. These little moments in life are what help drive me to finish my apprenticeship and move the fuck away so I can forget everything but my family. I'm just tired of not having someone to love and call my own anymore, but if its not meant to be then its ok. I seriously feel like breaking down and just saying "fuck the world" and throwing myself into a deep depression, but I don't have that luxury. I have to keep going stronger than ever, don't let anyone get in my way. It sucks that I want to be with the one man who broke my heart and he doesn't want me. Guess if its that easy for him to move on then he really didn't care and the 5 years we have together didn't mean shit. I look back at what I have written and I've been rambling on like a little school girl but it makes me feel better. Thing I'm going to write a spell tonight to help me block out these feelings and keep love from breaking my heart again.

Numb

Lately I've been feeling like I'm seperate from everyone and everything. I tend to find myself thinking about the past and everything remins me of what was. Honestly I don't even remember when I left D, my days have all blurred together. I feel my heart aching inside my chest, it wants to be loved and not be invisible but at the same time is scared of the unknown. Sometimes I just want to be numb from this world so that I can get through the days. I see that my clouded mind has greatly affected my drawing and tattooing, I love it but been dazing off while at the shop. I just have so much running through my head all the time. I want to know if he has really moved on, and if he has I want him to tell me to stop loving him. I know a lot of people would say that I don't need him because of what he did, but sometimes I just want what I want. I remember crying in his arms when I first found out that my mom was sick again, and he was the only one who saw my tears when I would cry everyday. He wasn't always to thrilled that I tattooed at the apt but he never told me to give up. I remember always knowing what he was thinking and how he felt. That was the scary part, because I knew when he was talking to other men and when he wasn't. Right now I feel like curling up in bed and crying while feeling his arms around me. If I can no longer have that feeling then I'll have to learn to cope and move on, there will always be a spot for him in my heart. I just don't know if there is still a spot for me in his. I just have to keep moving forward with my life, don't let anybody in to disrupt my focus. I will put on a smile for the world to see while I cry on the inside for what I've lost. As far as anyone knows at work my life is perfectly in order, shows how trusting I really am.