Way to send mixed signals

So I met with my X today, was happy to see him. Miss hugging him and being so close to him. Then it got a little crazy, he said he always thinks about me yet he says he's not in love with me just loves me. Wow mixed signals right? He's got a new man but the way he was hugging me didn't seem like he did. I love him and would get back with him if he wanted to but I'm not going to play games or be the other man or be the back up if it doesn't work out with ol boy. I will not wait forever, I wish him all the happiness with whoever this guys is. If you want me then make your move, one way I think about it is "do I really want to live my life without this person I've given my heart to?" If you can honestly think about me and say you don't see yourself with me for the rest of your life then we'll just never talk again, but if you can't deny that you still want me then fuck everyone else and just love me. I've said all I wanted to say and you know how I feel, its in your hands now. You have my number, you know where I live, don't hesitate to say something.

Ha Ha I get the point

I get now that its not going to happen between me and my x nor anyone else. It makes me sad but it is what it is, I'm just going to admit defeat in the battle of love. Its so funny because I try to be a good person and no love is my payment, I'm done being a caring person. Call me loveless from now on because I walk alone. These little moments in life are what help drive me to finish my apprenticeship and move the fuck away so I can forget everything but my family. I'm just tired of not having someone to love and call my own anymore, but if its not meant to be then its ok. I seriously feel like breaking down and just saying "fuck the world" and throwing myself into a deep depression, but I don't have that luxury. I have to keep going stronger than ever, don't let anyone get in my way. It sucks that I want to be with the one man who broke my heart and he doesn't want me. Guess if its that easy for him to move on then he really didn't care and the 5 years we have together didn't mean shit. I look back at what I have written and I've been rambling on like a little school girl but it makes me feel better. Thing I'm going to write a spell tonight to help me block out these feelings and keep love from breaking my heart again.

Numb

Lately I've been feeling like I'm seperate from everyone and everything. I tend to find myself thinking about the past and everything remins me of what was. Honestly I don't even remember when I left D, my days have all blurred together. I feel my heart aching inside my chest, it wants to be loved and not be invisible but at the same time is scared of the unknown. Sometimes I just want to be numb from this world so that I can get through the days. I see that my clouded mind has greatly affected my drawing and tattooing, I love it but been dazing off while at the shop. I just have so much running through my head all the time. I want to know if he has really moved on, and if he has I want him to tell me to stop loving him. I know a lot of people would say that I don't need him because of what he did, but sometimes I just want what I want. I remember crying in his arms when I first found out that my mom was sick again, and he was the only one who saw my tears when I would cry everyday. He wasn't always to thrilled that I tattooed at the apt but he never told me to give up. I remember always knowing what he was thinking and how he felt. That was the scary part, because I knew when he was talking to other men and when he wasn't. Right now I feel like curling up in bed and crying while feeling his arms around me. If I can no longer have that feeling then I'll have to learn to cope and move on, there will always be a spot for him in my heart. I just don't know if there is still a spot for me in his. I just have to keep moving forward with my life, don't let anybody in to disrupt my focus. I will put on a smile for the world to see while I cry on the inside for what I've lost. As far as anyone knows at work my life is perfectly in order, shows how trusting I really am.

The X again

So I sent my x a message on FB today and later asked my sis if that was a stupid thing to have done. She then informed me that he was already seeing someone else. Yeah it hurt a bit to know that it was that easy for him to move on, then again he did cheat on me so its not a complete surprise. I don't know what to think anymore, I'm not going to bug him about anything so I just messaged him back saying that I know he is now with someone else and that he should just disregard that last message. I know I hated how he cheated on me so I'm not going to give him the opportunity to cheat again on someone else. I'm just so tired of being alone and having horrible luck with guys. I'm sad and mad and just want to hate the world right now but it won't make me feel any better so I'm just going to let it all go and just not want any relationship. It does suck that I'm still in love with my x and still want to be with him even after all that he has done to me. Hopefully I can leave all this behind when I finish up my apprenticeship and move away from Texas.

Hate giving guys a chance to fuck up my world,going to shut them out for a while.

Moving on up

So I did 4 awesome tattoos today, guess I've really proven to my boss and the other artists that I've got what it takes to get some machine time. I wasn't expecting to get an amazing tip from one guy I tattooed on, then after he was done he put a deposit down on another tattoo for me to do on Monday. I feel very accomplished and that I've shown how good of an artist I am. I started work on a Koi tattoo but going to finish it Sunday. I love what I do, I'm never going back to working at a normal job ever again.

Part 1

So I finally got my rib tattoo started, but unfortunately for me the apprentice tattoos can only be worked on till 4 pm so we had to stop. I at least got my outline done and a little bit of shading in, going to heal up and when I'm ready I'm going to add in the color. Its going to fucking hurt I know it lol, but its well worth it. I don't want to post up pics of my unfinished tattoo just yet so when its done I'm def going to post it up. P says I wimped out bc it was super painful, well I don't see him with a rib tattoo so I don't know how he can bs me about mine. I'm not gonna lie it kinda bothered me, I just don't like someone telling me that I pussed out when I know thats not the case. I'm just going to cool off and not make it into a big deal, I like him and don't want some little comment that more than likely was a joke ruin what we've got.  Oh and I did my first tattoo on a real client today and got tipped big time!!!! I had a bad ass fucking day today!!! Hope I get to do more tattoos now that they know I can bust em out like the pros.