Unfamiliar territory

It feels strange to be single and not have a guy, I'm so used to always having someone. I like this independence from it all, I can think clearly and not have to worry about someone else for a chance. I am currently looking for jobs, need some money. I have a new plan. 1. Get a job 2. get a car 3. get a laptop 4. SAVE SAVE SAVE 5. Try my hardest to get an apprenticeship in Midland or Odessa. 6. Either move away if I don't land an apprenticeship or find my own apt if I do get my own place. I will have to work really hard if I want all this, but since I'm the one who is the only one keeping me from starving and being a broke ass I am extremely motivated. Had to trim my goatee today so that I won't look like a crazy ass when I apply, hope it helps. Feels weird to have it short again, but its only hair so it can always be grown back. My brother wants me to help him with his business as a locksmith, I'm thinking about it but don't want to get stuck doing it. I don't see myself living in Midland or even Texas for the rest of my life. I plan to move away to a place where I can be me and not end up with a openly proud gay man and have a group of great friends. But I'd like to have the group of friends more than a man right now, need to get out of this house. I love them but sometimes I need someone else to kick it with. Then again, I hate to be broke and go anywhere. So until I find a job I'm stuck at home with my loving family. I want to go to the clubs but not here, to many hoes. Everyone fucks everyone here and that is some nasty shit. Really thinking about trying to save up for a cruise, think it would be a great adventure and add to my life. I'm sure I'd be able to make some great friends from around the country. To travel is my ultimate dream, I just want to see as much as possible while I can. I only have 1 life and I'm not going to waste it in this town dating a loser.

I'm a survivor

I am an adult and need to finally take charge in my life and cut out what isn't good for me anymore. With that said, I have broken it off with D completely. I have not shown any remorse for us splitting up, its done. I wish I could have said, " I still love him unconditionally and want him in my life". But I just can't because he hurt me bad and I don't ever see him changing his ways, that is not what I want in my life. I have bigger plans that just being a small time tattoo artist who is stuck in my home town. I am strong and very able to reach my dreams if I keep my focus up and don't let anything or anyone distract me. Have some good work lined up for this weekend, so hopefully I can get more and more clients in the chair. Still haven't gotten a call from the shop that is suppose to be opening up in Odessa, if they don't call then I'll just keep my head up and try another place. Sooner or later I will get something. I finally love myself enough to stand up and be happy, even if that means being single. Midland and Odessa don't have anything to offer me when it comes to men, they are all just whores that like to sleep around. Thinking about moving away soon, don't know where but anywhere but here.

newest tattoo i've done

New Tattoo done

I did a tattoo on a client today, he was so happy that he paid me more than I asked for. Looks like I have a client for life !!!!!! Working on getting the pics up on the computer so I'll post a pic up soon.

This Sucks

So I have been living at my mom's house since I left D, well when we got back together I refused to move back in with him. I just needed the time to deal with the hurt still but I also want him to work hard at showing me that he can be trusted once again. I do miss him and sleeping beside him every night, but at what cost. Certainly not at the cost of giving up who I am, why is it so hard to just be you with D. He has this thing where he feels like he needs to put on this "Macho strait guy" act when we are in public, yet as soon as we are in private or with MY family he flips and starts hugging on me and being really gay sometimes. It makes me so mad because I can't do that, I act the way I act regardless of who I am around. Just wish he would call me babe in public like I do him, or not act like I'm just a friend when other people are around. I gave him a taste of it in Balmorhea for the Memorial Day Dance and he didn't like it. Maybe I need to do the same here, then again by not seeing him everyday or even talking to him everyday makes me want to hold him and kiss him more. I wish I knew what to do but I don't have the answers. Really need a fairy god mother right now. Guess only time can tell on this one. Going to just take it day by day, if he really wants to be with me then he will make the effort to come see me when he can or call me when he can because I'm not going to do the chasing he is.

Its Different now

So ever since we got back together its been hard to not want to go through D's phone or his emails but I don't. I want to trust him but everytime I see him pick up his phone or jump on his laptop my stomach tightens and my mind starts racing thinking about what he's doing. I still don't think I can trust him with my heart, which is why I'm not going to move in with him for a while. I don't like not being by his side to watch over him and constantly remind him that he is in a relationship so that he doesn't run off on me again. Another thing that bothers me is that I have ONE rainbow shirt that says " We Are Everywhere" and D hates for me to wear it in public. I am not scared to be seen with this shirt on, because I am a very proud gay man. Its not like I'm runing up to people telling each and everyone of them that I'm gay, I just want to wear my pride. I don't see how it differs from people wearing things about themselves like bumper stickers or shirts saying who you voted for or what nationality your are. D hates this shirt and refused to go out in public with me so i simply said " well take me home then so you can go grocery shopping". I'm not going to change who I am anymore for him, either accept it all or lose it all. Not playing games anymore. I never tell him what to wear or how to wear it, I have always accepted him how he is so why can't he do the same. So from now on I'm just going to keep my distance from him and only see him every now and then, hopefully he will grow up and stop thinking about what everyone thinks and just be happy in his OWN life. I don't have time to debate on a shirt, its my body and I'll do whatever I see fit with it. I wish he would love me unconditionally and stop thinking about the world when we step out of the door. He is with me not them. If you have any insight on this matter please feel free to right me, I always welcome advise.

Help Wanted

So I'm here in Balmorhea with D and his family. We went to his brothers graduation party on Friday and I asked him to dance with me. Well one thing lead to another and we went to bed mad at each other because he doesn't want to be gay in public yet wants me to be all over him behind closed doors. I understand the whole no holding hands and kissing passionately like some hot and heavy couple, but a simple "babe" or little quick peck wouldn't kill him. So I had a super long talk with his sis M and I came to an agreement with myself that I would try to treat him like he wants. So on Saturday I don't call him babe or try to be affectionate with him, not trying to be really close to him. I was just acting like a friend by not standing to close, calling him by his first name, being just calm and cool. So when we get back to the house I'm still acting the same way, then when we go to bed he is all pissed that I'm not all up on him trying to jump his bones. So he tells me that he's just gonna call off the trip to San Antonio and Six Flags, I told him "OK" because that's not what I'm here for. I'm here to spend time with him and try to work things out but apparently I'm not doing something right like always. I don't give a fuck if we go back to Midland, its not like I'm living with him or relying on him for my bills. He can spend his last days of his vacation alone for all I care, because if this is how its going to be then I just have one word for him " GOODBYE". I'm not about to let him bring me down again when I didn't do anything wrong. He needs to grow up and stop being a chicken shit about showing some fucking affection towards me, nobody gives a shit. I don't want him to do it to show them that he's with me, I want him to do it to show ME that he's there for ME. I don't even know anyone besides his family so what satisfaction would I get from him showing off how gay he is by dancing or holding my hand? If he doesn't change his ways then he can just move on, I'm not going to give in to anything this time around. He has two choices: get his shit together and just live happy with me and stop worrying about what others think about him, or hit to road and find another closet case to spend his life with. Going to have a talk with him and let him know whats what, I don't give a shit if he leaves me in Balmorhea to find my own way home as long as he finally makes up his FUCKING MIND for once.