This Sucks

So I have been living at my mom's house since I left D, well when we got back together I refused to move back in with him. I just needed the time to deal with the hurt still but I also want him to work hard at showing me that he can be trusted once again. I do miss him and sleeping beside him every night, but at what cost. Certainly not at the cost of giving up who I am, why is it so hard to just be you with D. He has this thing where he feels like he needs to put on this "Macho strait guy" act when we are in public, yet as soon as we are in private or with MY family he flips and starts hugging on me and being really gay sometimes. It makes me so mad because I can't do that, I act the way I act regardless of who I am around. Just wish he would call me babe in public like I do him, or not act like I'm just a friend when other people are around. I gave him a taste of it in Balmorhea for the Memorial Day Dance and he didn't like it. Maybe I need to do the same here, then again by not seeing him everyday or even talking to him everyday makes me want to hold him and kiss him more. I wish I knew what to do but I don't have the answers. Really need a fairy god mother right now. Guess only time can tell on this one. Going to just take it day by day, if he really wants to be with me then he will make the effort to come see me when he can or call me when he can because I'm not going to do the chasing he is.

Its Different now

So ever since we got back together its been hard to not want to go through D's phone or his emails but I don't. I want to trust him but everytime I see him pick up his phone or jump on his laptop my stomach tightens and my mind starts racing thinking about what he's doing. I still don't think I can trust him with my heart, which is why I'm not going to move in with him for a while. I don't like not being by his side to watch over him and constantly remind him that he is in a relationship so that he doesn't run off on me again. Another thing that bothers me is that I have ONE rainbow shirt that says " We Are Everywhere" and D hates for me to wear it in public. I am not scared to be seen with this shirt on, because I am a very proud gay man. Its not like I'm runing up to people telling each and everyone of them that I'm gay, I just want to wear my pride. I don't see how it differs from people wearing things about themselves like bumper stickers or shirts saying who you voted for or what nationality your are. D hates this shirt and refused to go out in public with me so i simply said " well take me home then so you can go grocery shopping". I'm not going to change who I am anymore for him, either accept it all or lose it all. Not playing games anymore. I never tell him what to wear or how to wear it, I have always accepted him how he is so why can't he do the same. So from now on I'm just going to keep my distance from him and only see him every now and then, hopefully he will grow up and stop thinking about what everyone thinks and just be happy in his OWN life. I don't have time to debate on a shirt, its my body and I'll do whatever I see fit with it. I wish he would love me unconditionally and stop thinking about the world when we step out of the door. He is with me not them. If you have any insight on this matter please feel free to right me, I always welcome advise.

Help Wanted

So I'm here in Balmorhea with D and his family. We went to his brothers graduation party on Friday and I asked him to dance with me. Well one thing lead to another and we went to bed mad at each other because he doesn't want to be gay in public yet wants me to be all over him behind closed doors. I understand the whole no holding hands and kissing passionately like some hot and heavy couple, but a simple "babe" or little quick peck wouldn't kill him. So I had a super long talk with his sis M and I came to an agreement with myself that I would try to treat him like he wants. So on Saturday I don't call him babe or try to be affectionate with him, not trying to be really close to him. I was just acting like a friend by not standing to close, calling him by his first name, being just calm and cool. So when we get back to the house I'm still acting the same way, then when we go to bed he is all pissed that I'm not all up on him trying to jump his bones. So he tells me that he's just gonna call off the trip to San Antonio and Six Flags, I told him "OK" because that's not what I'm here for. I'm here to spend time with him and try to work things out but apparently I'm not doing something right like always. I don't give a fuck if we go back to Midland, its not like I'm living with him or relying on him for my bills. He can spend his last days of his vacation alone for all I care, because if this is how its going to be then I just have one word for him " GOODBYE". I'm not about to let him bring me down again when I didn't do anything wrong. He needs to grow up and stop being a chicken shit about showing some fucking affection towards me, nobody gives a shit. I don't want him to do it to show them that he's with me, I want him to do it to show ME that he's there for ME. I don't even know anyone besides his family so what satisfaction would I get from him showing off how gay he is by dancing or holding my hand? If he doesn't change his ways then he can just move on, I'm not going to give in to anything this time around. He has two choices: get his shit together and just live happy with me and stop worrying about what others think about him, or hit to road and find another closet case to spend his life with. Going to have a talk with him and let him know whats what, I don't give a shit if he leaves me in Balmorhea to find my own way home as long as he finally makes up his FUCKING MIND for once.

Weekend in Balmorhea

So I am here in Balmorhea, Tx. for D's brother's graduation. He is the last one of the siblings to graduate. I'm proud of him, man I remember meeting him when he was little lol. I've known him since he was 12 years old, wow that makes me feel so old even though I'm only 23. After the graduation and the party today there is the annual Memorial Street Dance held in the center of town. I like it because there is music and dancing, byob, oh and must not forget the many food booths. I will admit that I am more excited about the food than anything else. Going to be eating a lot this weekend, but I'll work it off when we go to San Antonio for the next part of the vacation. Six Flags here we come on the 29th. We'll be coming home on the 2nd of June so D can pay his rent and start work on Saturday. I have been eagerly waiting for the call from the tattoo shop that sent me the e-mail about an apprenticeship but still haven't gotten a call. They open on the 1st of June so if they don't call by then I'll just have to take the initiative and call them myself. Hopefully they will see that I really want this and welcome me to learn all there is to this beautiful art. I have so many plans for my future and getting an apprenticeship is the first step in reaching my goals. Wish me luck everyone.

Why did she have to say that???

I was having a great day, did a small job interview at Al's Formal wear and went for a great bike ride. When I got home my sis told me " hey did I tell you that D lost his wallet?" I just said its because he's a dumbass. It bothered me a lot because it stirred up so many memories of me always trying to find his wallet and phone and keys for him all the time. I find myself thinking about him now, I told R that it was making me sad to think about him. I didn't tell him that what my sister said started making me miss finding stuff for him. It made me miss the time we spent together, then it makes me so mad because I can think about all the happy memories we shared and the happy times I shared with his family. I find myself asking why wasn't I good enough to keep him for myself? What wasn't I doing? Makes me so mad. I know I will never be able to trust him again, but I can't help but want to be in his arms again. I didn't want to leave him, I didn't want to leave his side. Makes me really depressed when I think about what we had, I just want to know what made him stray to others. Is it for the best that we are apart? Will I ever get over him? Will any other man be able to fill in the hole he left in my heart? I have so many questions, and no answers. Had a dream last night about me and him happy together, I woke up scared and almost started crying. I sit alone in this quiet house and all I can hear are the fans blowing and the wind passing through the trees while I can't stop thinking about him and how he sleeps. Wondering if he's moved on to one of those guys he was talking to behind my back. I don't know if I need to hear him say that it was me and that he didn't want me anymore so that I can move on with my life, or if I want him to pursue me and tell me everything will get better and show me that he is willing to prove himself. Then again it would take deleting his facebook account before I could feel okay. I'd want to always be checking his phone and that's not something a relationship needs. I want to convince myself that he will change and that he could be honest to me, but its hard to believe when its not the first time. Sucks knowing that I had my life planned out for us but he threw it all away. Now that I am not with him anymore all these job opportunities and this apprenticeship come up, why couldn't they have shown up earlier in the months? I don't know what is in store for my life, but I have to be strong enough to stand on my own two feet if I'm to survive. No more relying on anyone for anything. Going to ask R to give me a few days of space to think and try to just be me. I like him a lot but right now I'm still not sure I want to move on from D even if he has cheated on me. Whatever I decide I will have to face it head on, even if i have to be the bad guy.

So its been a few days

Well we somehow worked things out and are just going to tkae it SLOW!!! I almost lost my chance with R because of my insecurities that I developed while I was with D. I believed that I wasn't worth waiting for or even pursuing by another man. Thanks to R's talks I realized that in order to make my life the way I want it I have to be the one to make the choices. So I told him that I would like to wait till Oct 31st to make my mind up if he has a spot in my life. If I don't make a choice by then I told him that he can just walk away from me with no remorse because we agreed that 4 months is plenty of time to make up my mind. So far everything has been starting good, oh and we are going to abstain from sex. We told each other that if we make it official that we will be completely monogomous and celebrate with the most intimate of actions, SEX!! So until then we are going to just date and wait, so this past Saturday he took me out to eat and to the movies. I had the best fucking date ever, and he is so fun to be around. Oh did I mention that our date was 12 hours long, yeah it didn't even feel like that because I was having such a great time with him. Even though we agreed to not have sex that doesn't mean we can't kiss, and man there was a lot of kissing lol. We went to the drive in and watched Fast Five and Brides Maids. Well we just wanted to see Brides Maides so while Fast Five was playing we were just talking and well kissing the whole time. Yeah best movie ever lol. Oh if you haven't seen Brides Maids then you need to see it because its fucking hilarious, there were a lot of people with kids who watched Fast Five. Well wen Brides Maids came on all those people with kids left in the first 5 mins because it was so vulger and raunchy lol. So my kind of movie and also R's kind as well, we were laughing so hard during the whole movie. I highly recommend it. After the movies ended we went to a quiet place to talk some more till about 3 am and then he took me home. I so didn't want to leave his side but know that I can't afford to jump into a relationship so fast. Its going to be worth it to take it slow and build it up. Going to spend the weekend with him, so excited for that!!!! Love them kisses and that smile.

Just Friends

So I had a long talk with R and we decided that we should just be friends because my life is way to complicated. Just going to hold off on dating, gotta get my life on track. Really hoping that I get the apprenticeship at Brutal Nation Ink..keeping my hands tied.