Did my first BIG tattoo today

Finished D's lil bros tribal scorpion tattoo today, I was so nervous when I started but I relaxed. I think it went great, going to fill in the rest in about 2 weeks. Hope you enjoy Falass!!!

Hate

Hate it the word that is cut into my right arm, because it is hate that came into mind. D did it again, I don't know why he has to act like a complete asshole. I really don't know how many more days I can take of this behaviour, why does he think he needs to assert his dominance in this relationship. We are not a pair of cave men fighting for power. My anger towards life as I know it has been building and building inside me and he just doesn't help it at all, I've been driven to punching our dresser several times just so I don't hit him. Believe me I do want to knock some sense into him badly but don't see what good it will do other than to end the relationship in an instant, and then when I feel like my head is going to explode and hitting the dresser doesn't work I break out the razor blade and cut myself. I don't know why I don't just cut sigle lines like regular cutters, I tend to cut a word into my skin. In the past its been I "heart" you, I X U, LOVE, now its HATE. Wow I just noticed a pattern there...its a love/hate pattern. I know I can be very dramatic but thats me and who I am, I'm pretty sure I'm not going to change for anyone. I love D but if our fights are getting so bad as to where I'm driven to cutting myself to relieve some stress then something obviously isn't right. Hopefully this is just a small phase out relationship is going through, Yesterday was our 5year anniversary and all that crap happened. Doesn't look to good now does it, but nothing worth having is that easy now is it. It would be easier to just break up and be done with it but that is to easy. I am giong to work at this relationship and try to make it work like always, seems like I'm always trying to fix something. Feels like a job these days. I see other peoples lives from what they post and it seems like they aren't having problems, so I often wonder what's wrong in mine. I just want to be happy. I am not asking for a lot in life, a few close friends, someone who enjoys being outdoors as much as I do, who doesn't sweat the small stuff, someone who makes me say "DAMN" as soon as I see them. If I had to give up everything in order to be happy like that I feel that I would in an instant. You can always replace objects that you have lost. D is about to go to work @ 8 so I'll be by myself till about 6, is it bad that I look forward to him going to work so I don't have to argue with anyone? I don't even miss him when he is gone, I don't know if we are just lacking something in our lives together or if its finally run its course. I know what I want in life and I hope he does too, but if the two don't match up then maybe its time to move on even though we don't want to go through the pain. I just don't know what is going to happen at this point. If anyone out there happens to read this and you have an opinion please tell me even if its harsh lol. Any advise is good advise.

Makes me sad

I can't get the Glee version of Blackbird out of my head, it makes me think of how free my mothe will be. To know no pain, and to suffer no more. I wish I didn't have to know this reality about my mom but I don't have that luxury now do I. As long as I have the strength of my family behind me then I believe I can survive through it all.

"Blackbird"

"Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Black bird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
all your life
you were only waiting for this moment to be free

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise,
You were only waiting for this moment to arise,
You were only waiting for this moment to arise"

WTF is wrong with me

So I had a great night with D, we went to the movies and saw Hop and Rango. I liked them both but Rango was way way better, Hop was one of those movies where you'd only watch it once but Rango is in the same category as Toy Story and Cars where you would gladly watch it again and again. So another thing happend to me while I was taking a shower just now. I put on Pandora and had it on my Reba channel and it made me think of when I was little and I used to lay next to my mother while she listened to the same songs on her radio. I swear I could smell the perfume she used to wear and how she used to sing along with the songs, it made me so happy to remember those happy times. I broke out in tears and couldn't stop crying alone in the shower. I hate the days ahead of me, to see and know that my mom is suffering day after day hurts me so much. I know losing ones parents is a part of everyone's lives, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. I wish I could take her cancer as my own because I know I am strong enough to survive the treatments. She has fought this most of my life and it has finally started winning, I don't want to think like that but what else can I think about. I have started hating to wake up everyday because I don't want to face the reality of my life over and over. I try to distract myself so I won't think about it but when I stop to do simple things I break down more and more. I love you mom, stay strong and stay here.

What to do?

Its been a very difficult weekend with D. I have been thinking about a lot and think I might move back into my mother's house, not breaking up with D just moving out. We live completely different lives and just don't see eye to eye and that has thrown us apart. We are fighting constantly and it makes it even more awkward because I know K and C can overhear us arguing. D doesn't want me to leave and says what's the point in staying together if I move out because he doesn't want to live without me here. I believe that I will be driven to leave him if I do continue to live here, so I don't know what to do at this point. I don't want to lose D but at the same time I'm tired of not having any freedom, I know why D doesn't want me to move out. He doesn't trust me with going out with friends because he thinks I'm some huge whore when he isn't around, so if I move out he won't be able to watch me 24/7 so he'd rather end it because he won't have the time to watch my every move. I'm going insane here because all I do is see the inside of this apt day after day after day, I need a job but that isn't going so well. My job history is kinda vast and there is something on my record, it just makes it harder to find something. To add to that I don't have a phone for them to call me so I have to put down D's number all the time, and he never wants to leave the phone with me when he goes to work so I can call around to jobs and see if they have looked at my application. I don't know how I'm going to start out my life but right now I know this isn't how its suppose to be lived.

I don't want to!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay so I have been thinking about this all day and I have decided to start up the job search again, I just don't like having money and also have D look at me like I'm less than him because of it. Going to call around and see what I can get into, I don't expect to land something overnight but I'm shooting for  the stars here lol. Hopefully I land my old position at Sam's Club because I liked that job. I hope having a job will get D off my back and maybe he will start treating me like I'm an actual person. Still going to work on my tattooing but for now until it takes off it'll be my secondary line of work, but more of a work in progress. It doesn't help that I don't have a mentor, I was suppose to be getting help from a friend but he has a life to live so it just didn't work out. I'll get going somehow, not going to let D or anyone get me down from reaching my dream. Soon it'll be my name on the cover of tattoo magazines and I can throw it in the faces of ppl who don't believe in me. Life with D is really complicated right now and I see things in a different light than he does, don't know what is going to happen between us. Going to give it some time and see if anything changes but if the problems persist then I fear we will have to part ways again :( I'm working hard at keeping sane and in this with D but he doesn't make it easy, some of the stuff he says to me haunts me everyday. When he bought that bike for me he actually said, " If we break up this is staying here because that's what you do." That hurt a lot and he just thinks its okay to say that to me. Right now the bad out weighs the good by a lot, and the fact that he can't put bs aside and get along with my brother , who has nothing against D,  and just interact with my family hurt me. I talk to his whole family like they are my own, but when it comes to mine he always gives me this mood like they are not worth the energy to go visit. My family accepts him but they are slowly starting to see how he truly is like I see him when we are alone. Like I said I'm going to keep at it and not give up on our relationship till I just can't anymore but it just seems impossible. I wish D could see what he has right now and not have to learn the hard way that you never know what you have till its gone. I'll keep you guys posted :)

What to do now?

So I think I might be over reacting but this is just how I feel. I tattooed my brother last night and when D got home with his brother and then K arrived they all just left to eat without even inviting me or telling where they were going, I wasn't able to go but I still wanted food. I finished up the tattoo and called D and asked him where he went and he still didn't even ask me if I wanted anything, I had to ask him to pick me up something. So the today I ask him to barrow the truck so I can take Nacho home and when I get here my sister asked me to take her to the store so she can make Menudo, I was already going to the store so I obviously said yes. Well I asked my sis to txt D and let him know I'm going to the store with her and I'll be making him lunch in a little bit, well he calls and says that he's going out to eat with his bro and sis instead of waiting for me to make him anything. I told him I was still at the store and would be a little while longer, he said that K was hungry now...so I just told him to enjoy his food and that I'll see him later on, I was upset to I hung up on him. Don't you think its kinda rude to call someone like 40 mins. after they tell you they are shopping to make you food and while they are already about to pay you tell them that your going out to eat instead. I just think its kinda rude but that's just me. Well my sis and I get to my parents house and unload all the groceries and I call him to see what he's doing, he is still waiting for his food and tell me to go meet up with them. I don't want to be the last min guest, that just makes it weird. So I just asked him to tell me how to make the chili pods for menudo and he says he will be here before work. That was 2 hours ago, I'm pretty sure you don't have to eat for 2 hours. It whatever, I'll just let him spend time with them without me, just hope he doesn't try to suck up to me later on. I try and try to spend time with him but all he does is want to sit down and do nothing, I want to be active even for like an hour. Even when I sit and watch something with him he get on his laptop and ignores me, so when he goes to bed he expects me to follow like a little puppy and do what he says. When I try to do my own thing he gets mad and says that I'm ignoring him, so I suppose its okay for him to ignore me but when its vise versa its not okay. Tired of these games he plays.