Money ! Money ! Money !

So since my last update I have ridden my bike only twice and loved both times so much, I took it to the nature trails by my mothers house and had a great time with my dogs Nacho and Orejas (mom's dog). I thought everything was ok but I also forgot for a second who I was dating. I came home and was so tired from riding the bike that I crashed out on the couch ha ha, well when D came home he woke me up and asked me where his dinner was. I woke up and said I was sorry but I fell asleep, so he tells me " well that means I can take back your bike." So I told him to take it back, then he said I was only with him because of his money. That I'm only happy with him when he buys me things, well shit its hard to defend against that. I'm sorry I got happy when you bought a bike for me, any human alive would get happy. I remember getting with D when he was some loser closet case in college working a small time job and barely had any money, fuck half of our first date was at Walmart. I just wish he could see past his BS and just grow up, if I wanted his money I'd ask for it or at least go search for someone who has more bc that is not a problem but not what I want in life. I can only do so much and say so much, I'm not going to beg him for shit. If he feels like I'm only in this for his money then he can tell me to step off and leave, I'm not stopping him from leaving me. Feel like we might need another break so when he goes out of town tomorrow I'm not going, instead I think I'll go stay with my mom and chill with the family. I want to go very badly but just doesn't seem worth it, and D isn't man enough to talk to me to make it better or even apologise for what he said and how he said it, must be bc he thinks he's perfect in everyone's eyes. Well gonna sleep on the couch again, think he needs a reality check on what it feels like to be alone. Feel like crying right now but doesn't seem worth it in the end, well I can't tell the future so hopefully in my next post it gets all better.

With a new day comes new dilemmas

Laptop broke and so did my cell phone, so I'm stuck using D's. This sucks ass a lot but I'm just gonna have to push through it all and try to make some money off my tattooing or get a part time job to help fund my passion until it takes off. Its hard to find a good job with my record and my job history, but I'm not willing to work fast food at all. Hope something comes up soon :(

Miss Nacho

So we had our Chihuahua Nacho this weeked and he is so adorable but we don't want to shell out $450 to let him stay. He loves to cuddle up with us in bed and sleeps a lot lol, that's my kind of dog!!! I love the plan D has for us, he wants to get some land and build a house and have some horses. I will finally get to have Nacho and our baby girl Doofy. Doofy is an American Staffordshire and she is so big and adorable!! Love her eyes because one is blue and the other is white. Oh and well I got my tattoo stuff a few days ago but I'm missing some stuff so I e-mailed the company but still don't have a  response. Pisses me off but what can I do the company is all the way in China :(

Motha Fuckn Hobby Lobby

So D got this sudden urge to go to Hobby Lobby today and see what was on sale, well needless to say we ended up walking out of the store -$81.00 lol. Then we get home and tell K about the huge 50% off sale they are having and she asks us to go back with her so we could help her decorate her room. We get there and its like a mind fuck because there are so many things to choose from like types of words to fonts they come in to what color best fits her room. We finally settle on a few things and are looking around for more when out of nowhere D comes and puts this HUGE ASS picture frame in our cart and says its to add to the deco we bought earlier, FML!! Well K told me that I had a budget of $70 to spend on decorations, well I'm so good that when the cashier rang everything up it came out to $72 because of taxes. Not to mention the frame D bought our total for the day came out to $102, but I don't regret it at all because its adding memories to our little apt family. D is off today so we are going to hang all the decorations up in K's room and our room and move her room around to fit in D and K's brother A. He is younger than K but not the baby of the family that's M. D got him a job working with him and yesterday was his first day, I know he will go far if he applies himself. Going to tattoo my brother tonight, he wants some stars on the back of his neck. D still has a grudge against him but I don't blame him, just wish he would respect me enough to move past it and not expect me to completely drop my brother out of my life. One day they will come to terms especially if D is to be in my life forever, I want that but guess that's easier said than done. We are working on it and I'm working on my anger problems and hopefully he is working on showing me more respect and stop treating me like a child. I see the love D has for me and know its there but see that he expresses it differently than most people would. I don't know if I could ever get his name tattooed on my body but I would def get something that represents my love for him. Hm maybe a shamrock will do with a script "D" in the middle. I'll think of it for a while ha ha, well to all my readers thank you for reading and for the comments. Just know that I may not know you but I already love you, so I hope you never go a day thinking you don't have love in your life because I am here and if you talk to me I WILL answer!! I promise because I know what it is like being lonely and feel invisible to the world especially the ones we love and adore. Blesses Be!!!

Alone

Every time D gets out of hand with the things he says to me I tend to go into a dark place and it seems like the world knows this. When I turn on Pandora on my laptop all these sad songs came on and made me feel even worse and every thought of D makes me want to slash my wrists and leave this world so I won't have to deal with his stuck up attitude towards me. I hate that he throws his money in my face every time we have an argument, I suppose the only way he will see me as an equal is if I make as much as him. I don't have anyone I can turn to and comfort me, I'm all alone. I know my family loves me but they have their own shit to deal with and they usually take his side, I don't have any friends to turn to because they are all out of town and I have no car. When I get down and out all I can do is turn on the music and imagine myself in a happy home without any pain, thoughts of cutting enter my mind and for a second I want to give in and watch my blood trickle out of my cuts but I don't. I don't want to be ridiculed for it but don't know any other way to escape his tormenting voice that haunts my mind. I don't know what to do anymore, some days are good and some are horribly wrong where everything turns out to be my fault one way or another. I can never do anything right and if I do it usually doesn't last very long before he knocks me back down below him. I don't talk with my mother like I would like to and now that she is slipping away from me more and more everyday I fear that my chances are flying by. I believe that if my mother passes away that I will just pack up my life and leave this town and go anywhere, anywhere but here. I hold my sanity in well but don't show my pain to many people. I hate that the one person I allow myself to be vulnerable with just ignores me and pretends that he hears nothing while I cry alone. I am invisible but when he needs something I suddenly appear and can't escape his sight. Well I suppose that this very blog is another way I am able to vent my feelings, but it still doesn't replace an actual person. Going to bed now, going to lay next to him but still feel like we are in separate worlds. Soon I hope to throw all his money back into his face.

So I finally Inked myself

I got the courage up and iked myself, touched up a cherry blossom tat I got a while back. Its passable but could have done better that's for sure but I know I will get better as time passes.

Yay we are going to Balmorhea, TX

D's family lives in Balmorhea, TX and we are going to see them and hopefully its hot enough Thursday for us to go swimming. I love swimming in the water there because its so clear and fresh, I have never been able to swim all the way down to the bottom or even close enough to see the water coming out from the spring. They say you can see the sand bubbling up from where the water is coming out of the ground, one day though lol. D doesn't really like to leave me alone because there are usually a lot of hot bears there and I can't help but look and appreciate them ha ha, but its just looking for me. I can't wait to be able to tan and not be so blah. I wish D would push aside his fear and show me some affection, not saying to grope me and have a full on make out session in front of everyone...just hold my hand or even pay attention to me and not act like I'm just your friend. It really hurts my feelings but what am I gonna do, start a fight and potentially break up and be stranded in Balmorhea...I don't think so!!!! Even though it always hurts my feelings I can't waste a good relationship because of that. One day he will gather the courage and hold my hand in public and tell me he loves me and on that day I will know that he truly means it from the bottom of his heart. If your not willing to go out of your comfort zone for the one you love then your not fully committed to them, I pray he will come to be the man I need him to be in time. So for now I'll act content with being pushed aside for a few days while he spends time with his family and speak Spanish while I sit and act like I even listen to what they are saying. Good thing I can take my laptop and get online. Well I'll try posting up some picks of Balmorhea when I get back or while I'm in Balmorhea, so hope to get to use my underwater camcorder tomorrow so I can post some underwater pics for you guys. Oh I almost forgot, thank you everyone who reads my blog even though all I do is nag lol. You make my words mean something and don't make me feel like its a waste of time. Even though I cannot hear you or see you it feels nice to be acknowledged.