I'm Done!!

I'm so done with X-mas shopping, now I don't have to worry about forgetting to get someone. I still wonder if D is going to get me that tattoo machine kit I want, so I can get started on my tattooing. I know what my first tattoo is going to be, I am going to ask my mother to write "I Love You Son, Mom" on a piece of paper and then transfer that onto my skin to keep forever because my time with mom is getting shorter and shorter. I am going to miss D if he goes to Balmorhea for Thanksgiving and X-mas, wish he would just stay with me in town and just call his family. I want him by my side at all times and to spend time with mom on her B-day.

Baby

On another note, my brother C is going to be having a baby girl soon. I really hope that she is born on my mothers birthday, that would be special. Ugh I don't know why I am not a kid person but when I see my nephew Johnny I just get all crazy and wanna hug him and go run around with him. I have no idea why but I just connect with him more than I do with any of my other nephews and niece. I always feel like since my brother was never really there for him that I have to be. I know that if I had the money I would COMPLETELY spoil him and his brothers, his mother V is a great friend of mine as well. Awww now I miss him, can't wait till he starts talking more and gets older.

Car

I got back my car but it might only be temporary because my brother C might take it to San Antonio to use it because he has to turn in his Jeep because its too expensive and he has a baby on the way. I really wish I could still have my car but I have to come to terms that I can't pay it and my brother can so I don't want to loose the car to the bank as a repo. I think he is planning on saving to get his own vehicle later on an returning the car to me, it will be paid off in another year and I really want to pay it off and keep it for myself so that I can have a car and won't have a car bill just insurance. I don't know, hopefully it all works out.

Still Looking For a Job

Oh man Oh man, I need a job big time. I wanna buy so many things when I go to the store or to the mall and be able to pay for x-mas presents and my mothers b-day gifts too. Someone help me ugh!!

Really Need a J O B

Okay its been two months since I quit my last job and now its really taking a toll on my life. I need to find something fast and soon, i plan to only be employed for the holidays just to pay for presents and to buy my tattoo gear and needles. Maybe I will keep it longer if its a great job, just in case my tattooing doesn't take off like I want it to. Planning on doing some online hiring tonight and some more in the morning after I do some cleaning. D doesn't go to work till 5 pm so hopefully we don't fight before he goes to work, plan on using his truck to go visit my mother. I miss her a lot, hope to never wake up and not be able to see her face. it makes me tear up when I think about her not going to be there one day. I wonder if i have made her proud of me. Truthfully this is not the life I wanted nor the man I saw myself ending up with, but I'm still young right. I think I have more growing up to do and one day I will see that D is either the ONE or NOT the one for me. We have known each other on and off for the past 4 1/2 years, a few more years might be just what I need to let me know if he is the one or not. Feeling kinda like a failure everyday and well D doesn't make it any easier, he makes it worse because he always belittles me and I have to constantly take it from him without saying what I really feel inside because I fear that if I do he will tell me to get my things and get out. I have nowhere I can go right now, my mothers house is full not to mention there is no such thing as privacy there. I don't have any friends to help me out for a bit, I have no job to pay for my own apt or get a roommate to stay with. Right now all I can do is just grin and bare with it. I am a strong man and I just feel weak and alone with out a solid job and good friends to remind me that I am great and I don't need a man to be safe and be alive.

Obsessed

D and K are so obsessed about the scores in football its kinda driving me crazy. At first it was okay because it wasn't that annoying but now I wanna cut off the internet because D will not step away from the comp to be with me and K is so hooked on the scores as well that she paid more attention to the football blog that she completely ignored the movie we were watching. I wonder if they ever think I am obsessed with anything, I doubt it because I am very good at balancing out my stuff. I like to draw but I am able to stay in the loop if we are all watching a movie or talking. Well thank goodness that it is almost over for a good while. Oh and now onto another topic, my car is being traded between my family like every week it seems. My bro R tool over payments but he lost his job and has not payed the bill now it is two months late and now my bro C wants to take over payments and take it to San Antonio. I need the car as well but don't have the money to pay for it, but D told me that if my bro can't make the payments then I should just take it for myself again and use it to get around and it will help me find a job. I don't want to take it back if my brother needs it but I can't keep putting myself last if I need something as well. If I do get the car back, it will be nice to be able to get around. I'm sure that it will not have insurance on top of not being current with the payments. We will see what happens. Also on another note, I had to take Dixie to the pound because she was not working out in our apt. She was tearing up our carpet and also starting to chew on our couches and constantly barking while she was on our balcony. I don't know if she has been adopted out or been put down, I tried to place her in a shelter instead of the pound but they all turned me down. I had no other choice because nobody would take her in and I could not keep her anymore because if the apt manager found out she was here while we had Ramon they would charge us $50 and then $25 a day for everyday she was here. I feel bad for my brother but I know what its like. There will never be any replacement in the future but I'm sure his heart will heal.

Dixie

I feel bad because I had to take Dixie to the pound today, she was just to much to handle because she was so active and needy. I tried really hard to find her a nice dog shelter that would not kill her but I had no luck. I regret taking her there but I had no other choice besides we were going to have to pay another pet deposit of $450 and we did not have the money.