Finished it YAY!!!!!!!!!!

So I finally finished the big scorpion tattoo I started a few weeks ago. I like the way it came out, the red really makes it pop out. I know I can be great at this now, but I can't say D feels the same way. Something he said to me earlier is still bothering me, he said something about me always quitting what I start. Basically telling me that I'm not going to succeed in tattooing. You don't tell that to someone especially your loved one, your suppose to believe in them and support their dreams but instead D is doing the opposite. I don't know if I want to be with someone who puts down my dreams, if I hear more of this dream smashing talk I'm going to leave. Well enough of that on to the pictures of the tattoo!!!!

How can you be so one sided

I never persecute D when he is doing his thing but when I'm completely open to him about who I write on FB or talk to on my phone he gets very mad and defensive. I hate it that he gets to talk to whoever he sees fit and the same rule doesn't go for me. I have nothing to hide from him so that's why I feel comfortable telling who I talk to, so does that mean he has stuff to hide because he never tells me anything. He keeps that locked up tight, it makes me think but I just don't give a fuck anymore. If he cheats on me then he just better not give me anything or I will break him into many small pieces, and leave. I hope that he will be man enough to tell me its over if he finds someone else, obviously it will hurt me to have him tell me that but it is what it is. We are both adults and sometimes our minds change on who we want to be with. Well while I'm on this topic, you have to be able to keep someone happy and respected in order to be able to call them yours. Treat them with respect. Treat me with respect.

For Cheyenne

Did a tattoo for baby Cheyenne on Ashley's wrist. I didn't take a very good picture so I am just going to post the bad ones I took. Sorry for the quality guys.

Sarah Jane Smith R.I.P.

My father's tattoo that I did

I started off my Easter with a bang, well more like a BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!! Because I gave my dad a tattoo for his late sister, I hope wherever she may be she likes it. It meant a lot to me to be asked to put it on him. Going to put a small tattoo on my brothers fiance today, so I'll be posting up that pic later. Oh and did I mention that my apts pool is finally open, well its not very big or deep. Its only 5' deep :( bummer but hey we had fun in it either way so I can't complain. Its suppose to be like 100 on Saturday so I'm going swimming again then, but maybe I'll take a dip by myself before then. If I manage to get a tan I'll post up a pic lol.

So I have to finish what I started right

I need to finish up C's tattoo but just have been lacking any will power to practice on my fake skins so I don't fuck his real skin up. Maybe a nice bike ride will cheer me up and I can get to work, even though its late. I need to desperately go grocery shopping so we can have food to cook, but alas I must wait for D and C to get home from work to go because they had requested that we all go together. I know I should make a list but not right now, hell I'm basically the only one that cooks around here so I already know what to get at the store. I stopped by Dollar Tree earlier and got some cleaning supplies and plastic cups so I don't have to wash so many cups. I also had an interview at Homedepot today and I hope it went well and they hire me, I need this job bad right now. I have no money coming in and my tattooing isn't going as fast as I originally planned it to. I was supposed to have a mentor but he had to go work on oil rigs or something like that to support his family. I don't blame him and I am not mad at him for choosing to do so, it just sucks not having someone to tell me what I'm doing right and wrong. I have confidense that I will get it down soon and be tattooing before the end of this year. That is my goal to have at least do 10 tattoos and get paid for most of them, because supplies are so not cheap. If I land this job or any job soon then I wouldn't have to worry about the expenses because I can fund myself for a while, and stock up on some different size needles and grips. What's up with most ppl wanting something religious like angel wings or crosses...I totally don't believe in any of that but if its what they want then I suppose I will do them, I'd much rather do more wiccan and celtic type tattoos. Oh well beggers can't be choosers now can they :) Hope everyone had a great day!!! I don't believe in the whole concept of easter but I do enjoy spending time with my family and eating all those yummy hard boiled EGGS!!!! So going to have STANKY farts afterwards lmao!!! Oh well its a small price to pay for yummy eggs.

Some days are to difficult to stand

So D is just being difficult lately, he has been doing things to piss me off lately. I wish he wouldn't say the things he says when we are in front of his family, it just makes me feel so disrespected. When I say something about leaving to my moms he does a complete 180 and starts kissing ass. I really don't know what goes on in his head, when he treats me like crap and I do something about it he gets reminded that I don't need him and I'm not someone to follow his rules. Wish I could have someone that is like me, a "what you see is what you get" kind of person. Wish D was like that but guess that's asking for dirt to turn into gold.

So I finally got a phone AGAIN lol

It certainly has been a while since I've had a phone due to me accidentally dropping my phone in the rain and not noticing till the next morning. D said he wouldn't buy me a new one because I have already gone through several phones in the past 2 years, but I plan on keeping this one for a while because it suits my needs for now. I'm always home so why do I need the internet on my phone right, all I need right now are unlimited texting and phone calls. Well not really on the phone calls because I'm not that talkative. I'd rather text you instead of call you ha ha ha, that's sad right. But if I think your worth my time then I'll talk your ear off :) Well last night I was playing with it and looking at all the little features and well I accidentally locked it up and couldn't figure out how to unlock it lol. So I tried calling the company and they were closed for the night so I had to wait till this morning to call them back and settle this. Well this is where my stupidity kicks in. I call the guy and get the phone unlocked and hang up, well dumbass me I go back and lock it up again because I was curious lol. Did I mention that I forgot to write down the unlock code and never remembered it. So I had to call them back and explain to the guy that I just called him 5 mins. ago and needed to unlock my phone again ha ha ha. He laughed with me lol, so after he helps me unlock it he stays on the line and tells me how to completely unlock my phone so I don't go in and lock it up like a dumbass. I was so grateful to him. I knew that they were recording me so I was telling him "thank you so much man you saved me", "your the best, you did sich a great job helping me today", "I wish every call I make was this easy". So hopefully that helps him out with getting some recognition or something. Oh did I mention that my day started with D yelling at 8:30 this morn lol. He was suppose to work at 8 but he turned off his alarm instead of hitting snooze and overslept 30 mins. I guess when he realized he overslept he got up and yelled "OH SHIT I DID IT AGAIN" he scared me and I literally jumped up. He started running around getting ready and I was the calm one so I was calling out the things he was forgetting and looking for his wallet to save him time. So this morning was very active, lets just hope that never happens again. Yeah right that's like asking for it not to be cold in antarctica. Doing a tattoo on my mom today and maybe another one on C, my mom wants her nickname on her wrist. C wants me to do a big cross but he still hasn't healed from the one he just got, so I'm gonna refuse to tattoo a big tattoo till his heals more. Hopefully I can post a pic of my mom's tattoo later on today.

Did my first BIG tattoo today

Finished D's lil bros tribal scorpion tattoo today, I was so nervous when I started but I relaxed. I think it went great, going to fill in the rest in about 2 weeks. Hope you enjoy Falass!!!

Hate

Hate it the word that is cut into my right arm, because it is hate that came into mind. D did it again, I don't know why he has to act like a complete asshole. I really don't know how many more days I can take of this behaviour, why does he think he needs to assert his dominance in this relationship. We are not a pair of cave men fighting for power. My anger towards life as I know it has been building and building inside me and he just doesn't help it at all, I've been driven to punching our dresser several times just so I don't hit him. Believe me I do want to knock some sense into him badly but don't see what good it will do other than to end the relationship in an instant, and then when I feel like my head is going to explode and hitting the dresser doesn't work I break out the razor blade and cut myself. I don't know why I don't just cut sigle lines like regular cutters, I tend to cut a word into my skin. In the past its been I "heart" you, I X U, LOVE, now its HATE. Wow I just noticed a pattern there...its a love/hate pattern. I know I can be very dramatic but thats me and who I am, I'm pretty sure I'm not going to change for anyone. I love D but if our fights are getting so bad as to where I'm driven to cutting myself to relieve some stress then something obviously isn't right. Hopefully this is just a small phase out relationship is going through, Yesterday was our 5year anniversary and all that crap happened. Doesn't look to good now does it, but nothing worth having is that easy now is it. It would be easier to just break up and be done with it but that is to easy. I am giong to work at this relationship and try to make it work like always, seems like I'm always trying to fix something. Feels like a job these days. I see other peoples lives from what they post and it seems like they aren't having problems, so I often wonder what's wrong in mine. I just want to be happy. I am not asking for a lot in life, a few close friends, someone who enjoys being outdoors as much as I do, who doesn't sweat the small stuff, someone who makes me say "DAMN" as soon as I see them. If I had to give up everything in order to be happy like that I feel that I would in an instant. You can always replace objects that you have lost. D is about to go to work @ 8 so I'll be by myself till about 6, is it bad that I look forward to him going to work so I don't have to argue with anyone? I don't even miss him when he is gone, I don't know if we are just lacking something in our lives together or if its finally run its course. I know what I want in life and I hope he does too, but if the two don't match up then maybe its time to move on even though we don't want to go through the pain. I just don't know what is going to happen at this point. If anyone out there happens to read this and you have an opinion please tell me even if its harsh lol. Any advise is good advise.

Makes me sad

I can't get the Glee version of Blackbird out of my head, it makes me think of how free my mothe will be. To know no pain, and to suffer no more. I wish I didn't have to know this reality about my mom but I don't have that luxury now do I. As long as I have the strength of my family behind me then I believe I can survive through it all.

"Blackbird"

"Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Black bird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
all your life
you were only waiting for this moment to be free

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise,
You were only waiting for this moment to arise,
You were only waiting for this moment to arise"

WTF is wrong with me

So I had a great night with D, we went to the movies and saw Hop and Rango. I liked them both but Rango was way way better, Hop was one of those movies where you'd only watch it once but Rango is in the same category as Toy Story and Cars where you would gladly watch it again and again. So another thing happend to me while I was taking a shower just now. I put on Pandora and had it on my Reba channel and it made me think of when I was little and I used to lay next to my mother while she listened to the same songs on her radio. I swear I could smell the perfume she used to wear and how she used to sing along with the songs, it made me so happy to remember those happy times. I broke out in tears and couldn't stop crying alone in the shower. I hate the days ahead of me, to see and know that my mom is suffering day after day hurts me so much. I know losing ones parents is a part of everyone's lives, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. I wish I could take her cancer as my own because I know I am strong enough to survive the treatments. She has fought this most of my life and it has finally started winning, I don't want to think like that but what else can I think about. I have started hating to wake up everyday because I don't want to face the reality of my life over and over. I try to distract myself so I won't think about it but when I stop to do simple things I break down more and more. I love you mom, stay strong and stay here.