What to do?

Its been a very difficult weekend with D. I have been thinking about a lot and think I might move back into my mother's house, not breaking up with D just moving out. We live completely different lives and just don't see eye to eye and that has thrown us apart. We are fighting constantly and it makes it even more awkward because I know K and C can overhear us arguing. D doesn't want me to leave and says what's the point in staying together if I move out because he doesn't want to live without me here. I believe that I will be driven to leave him if I do continue to live here, so I don't know what to do at this point. I don't want to lose D but at the same time I'm tired of not having any freedom, I know why D doesn't want me to move out. He doesn't trust me with going out with friends because he thinks I'm some huge whore when he isn't around, so if I move out he won't be able to watch me 24/7 so he'd rather end it because he won't have the time to watch my every move. I'm going insane here because all I do is see the inside of this apt day after day after day, I need a job but that isn't going so well. My job history is kinda vast and there is something on my record, it just makes it harder to find something. To add to that I don't have a phone for them to call me so I have to put down D's number all the time, and he never wants to leave the phone with me when he goes to work so I can call around to jobs and see if they have looked at my application. I don't know how I'm going to start out my life but right now I know this isn't how its suppose to be lived.

I don't want to!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay so I have been thinking about this all day and I have decided to start up the job search again, I just don't like having money and also have D look at me like I'm less than him because of it. Going to call around and see what I can get into, I don't expect to land something overnight but I'm shooting for  the stars here lol. Hopefully I land my old position at Sam's Club because I liked that job. I hope having a job will get D off my back and maybe he will start treating me like I'm an actual person. Still going to work on my tattooing but for now until it takes off it'll be my secondary line of work, but more of a work in progress. It doesn't help that I don't have a mentor, I was suppose to be getting help from a friend but he has a life to live so it just didn't work out. I'll get going somehow, not going to let D or anyone get me down from reaching my dream. Soon it'll be my name on the cover of tattoo magazines and I can throw it in the faces of ppl who don't believe in me. Life with D is really complicated right now and I see things in a different light than he does, don't know what is going to happen between us. Going to give it some time and see if anything changes but if the problems persist then I fear we will have to part ways again :( I'm working hard at keeping sane and in this with D but he doesn't make it easy, some of the stuff he says to me haunts me everyday. When he bought that bike for me he actually said, " If we break up this is staying here because that's what you do." That hurt a lot and he just thinks its okay to say that to me. Right now the bad out weighs the good by a lot, and the fact that he can't put bs aside and get along with my brother , who has nothing against D,  and just interact with my family hurt me. I talk to his whole family like they are my own, but when it comes to mine he always gives me this mood like they are not worth the energy to go visit. My family accepts him but they are slowly starting to see how he truly is like I see him when we are alone. Like I said I'm going to keep at it and not give up on our relationship till I just can't anymore but it just seems impossible. I wish D could see what he has right now and not have to learn the hard way that you never know what you have till its gone. I'll keep you guys posted :)

What to do now?

So I think I might be over reacting but this is just how I feel. I tattooed my brother last night and when D got home with his brother and then K arrived they all just left to eat without even inviting me or telling where they were going, I wasn't able to go but I still wanted food. I finished up the tattoo and called D and asked him where he went and he still didn't even ask me if I wanted anything, I had to ask him to pick me up something. So the today I ask him to barrow the truck so I can take Nacho home and when I get here my sister asked me to take her to the store so she can make Menudo, I was already going to the store so I obviously said yes. Well I asked my sis to txt D and let him know I'm going to the store with her and I'll be making him lunch in a little bit, well he calls and says that he's going out to eat with his bro and sis instead of waiting for me to make him anything. I told him I was still at the store and would be a little while longer, he said that K was hungry now...so I just told him to enjoy his food and that I'll see him later on, I was upset to I hung up on him. Don't you think its kinda rude to call someone like 40 mins. after they tell you they are shopping to make you food and while they are already about to pay you tell them that your going out to eat instead. I just think its kinda rude but that's just me. Well my sis and I get to my parents house and unload all the groceries and I call him to see what he's doing, he is still waiting for his food and tell me to go meet up with them. I don't want to be the last min guest, that just makes it weird. So I just asked him to tell me how to make the chili pods for menudo and he says he will be here before work. That was 2 hours ago, I'm pretty sure you don't have to eat for 2 hours. It whatever, I'll just let him spend time with them without me, just hope he doesn't try to suck up to me later on. I try and try to spend time with him but all he does is want to sit down and do nothing, I want to be active even for like an hour. Even when I sit and watch something with him he get on his laptop and ignores me, so when he goes to bed he expects me to follow like a little puppy and do what he says. When I try to do my own thing he gets mad and says that I'm ignoring him, so I suppose its okay for him to ignore me but when its vise versa its not okay. Tired of these games he plays.

Its apart of my life so fuck it lol

I've been super horny lately and I can tell that D is also but we just don't do anything together, it'll probably be like 2 weeks before we even touch one another. I hate it because we used to be so passionate and man the sex was GREAT, but over time it just started feeling like a chore or something that is to messy and overworking that we disregard it. I'm pretty sure our life together would be much better if we were as passionate as we once were. It sucks that the only time the sex is great is when we break up and get back together, I want the passion back and have that romance. Now we just bust one off while the other is busy with something else and call it a day. I like attention like that, call me shallow but it makes me feel sexy and lately I haven't gotten any of that attn from D. I don't feel like its very respectful to tell D but I just wish he was back into shape like he was, I was way more attracted to him when he was fit. Not just because he was fit but because he had more energy which made the sex Motha Fuckin AMAZING!!! But he always says that he doesn't have the time or is always tired from work, truth is that is all a lie because he just doesn't want to spend the energy into getting ready and going to work out and he also says that he doesn't want me to be there while he works out because it makes him feel weird like I'm judging him. IDK what to tell him but I'm concerned about his health if he keeps gaining weight like he is, I just want him to be healthy and happy like we used to be. That still doesn't help my hornyness lol, oh well guess I just have to deal with it or just put it out of mind :(

Money ! Money ! Money !

So since my last update I have ridden my bike only twice and loved both times so much, I took it to the nature trails by my mothers house and had a great time with my dogs Nacho and Orejas (mom's dog). I thought everything was ok but I also forgot for a second who I was dating. I came home and was so tired from riding the bike that I crashed out on the couch ha ha, well when D came home he woke me up and asked me where his dinner was. I woke up and said I was sorry but I fell asleep, so he tells me " well that means I can take back your bike." So I told him to take it back, then he said I was only with him because of his money. That I'm only happy with him when he buys me things, well shit its hard to defend against that. I'm sorry I got happy when you bought a bike for me, any human alive would get happy. I remember getting with D when he was some loser closet case in college working a small time job and barely had any money, fuck half of our first date was at Walmart. I just wish he could see past his BS and just grow up, if I wanted his money I'd ask for it or at least go search for someone who has more bc that is not a problem but not what I want in life. I can only do so much and say so much, I'm not going to beg him for shit. If he feels like I'm only in this for his money then he can tell me to step off and leave, I'm not stopping him from leaving me. Feel like we might need another break so when he goes out of town tomorrow I'm not going, instead I think I'll go stay with my mom and chill with the family. I want to go very badly but just doesn't seem worth it, and D isn't man enough to talk to me to make it better or even apologise for what he said and how he said it, must be bc he thinks he's perfect in everyone's eyes. Well gonna sleep on the couch again, think he needs a reality check on what it feels like to be alone. Feel like crying right now but doesn't seem worth it in the end, well I can't tell the future so hopefully in my next post it gets all better.

With a new day comes new dilemmas

Laptop broke and so did my cell phone, so I'm stuck using D's. This sucks ass a lot but I'm just gonna have to push through it all and try to make some money off my tattooing or get a part time job to help fund my passion until it takes off. Its hard to find a good job with my record and my job history, but I'm not willing to work fast food at all. Hope something comes up soon :(

Miss Nacho

So we had our Chihuahua Nacho this weeked and he is so adorable but we don't want to shell out $450 to let him stay. He loves to cuddle up with us in bed and sleeps a lot lol, that's my kind of dog!!! I love the plan D has for us, he wants to get some land and build a house and have some horses. I will finally get to have Nacho and our baby girl Doofy. Doofy is an American Staffordshire and she is so big and adorable!! Love her eyes because one is blue and the other is white. Oh and well I got my tattoo stuff a few days ago but I'm missing some stuff so I e-mailed the company but still don't have a  response. Pisses me off but what can I do the company is all the way in China :(

Motha Fuckn Hobby Lobby

So D got this sudden urge to go to Hobby Lobby today and see what was on sale, well needless to say we ended up walking out of the store -$81.00 lol. Then we get home and tell K about the huge 50% off sale they are having and she asks us to go back with her so we could help her decorate her room. We get there and its like a mind fuck because there are so many things to choose from like types of words to fonts they come in to what color best fits her room. We finally settle on a few things and are looking around for more when out of nowhere D comes and puts this HUGE ASS picture frame in our cart and says its to add to the deco we bought earlier, FML!! Well K told me that I had a budget of $70 to spend on decorations, well I'm so good that when the cashier rang everything up it came out to $72 because of taxes. Not to mention the frame D bought our total for the day came out to $102, but I don't regret it at all because its adding memories to our little apt family. D is off today so we are going to hang all the decorations up in K's room and our room and move her room around to fit in D and K's brother A. He is younger than K but not the baby of the family that's M. D got him a job working with him and yesterday was his first day, I know he will go far if he applies himself. Going to tattoo my brother tonight, he wants some stars on the back of his neck. D still has a grudge against him but I don't blame him, just wish he would respect me enough to move past it and not expect me to completely drop my brother out of my life. One day they will come to terms especially if D is to be in my life forever, I want that but guess that's easier said than done. We are working on it and I'm working on my anger problems and hopefully he is working on showing me more respect and stop treating me like a child. I see the love D has for me and know its there but see that he expresses it differently than most people would. I don't know if I could ever get his name tattooed on my body but I would def get something that represents my love for him. Hm maybe a shamrock will do with a script "D" in the middle. I'll think of it for a while ha ha, well to all my readers thank you for reading and for the comments. Just know that I may not know you but I already love you, so I hope you never go a day thinking you don't have love in your life because I am here and if you talk to me I WILL answer!! I promise because I know what it is like being lonely and feel invisible to the world especially the ones we love and adore. Blesses Be!!!